Nearly 2 years ago my relationship with my parents rapidly deteriorated because they would get drunk and out of control, and then constantly abuse and threaten me and my fiancée. I was thrown out of my home by my mother, who is an alcoholic and, i have realized, is totally unhinged, and she immediately spread lies about myself and my fiancée, so that my family and friends would be on her side, and i did not have the chance to tell people what really happened.
These lies resulted in us being beaten up, threatened with a gun and unable to leave the house because we were just immediately followed and had rocks thrown at us etc.
I was unable to get back home to see my 10 year old brother and sister because my mother went completely mad, and was harassing and terrorising my and my fiancée's family continuously for over a year.
My siblings have been told lies by my parents (the few i have heard are that i tried to stab my mum, and then ran off with my fiancée because i didn't care about my family), and they turned against me almost straight away. They were very abusive when i saw them in the street, but they sent me cards at Christmas saying they loved me and wanted me back.
I have now moved very very far away, and we are finally safe, and i have started to rebuild my life and myself, and desperately want to contact my siblings, to let them know i didn't leave them out of choice, and the things they have been told aren't true, and i still love them.
I have no idea what to say though? They are 10 and 13. How should i phrase the letter? Obviously i can't just tell them what happened, as they aren't going to believe that their parents were the cause of all the problems, or believe all the things they did to me, but I want to explain that i didn't do all the bad things they have been told, and that i love them .... help!!
keep it low-key – inquire about them, then let them know how much you love them. I think your wanting to touch base with them shows them that you're still interested, and the trust grows from there. And like kids everywhere, even if they're being little monsters, they want to be assured of your love for them.
__________________ The best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
keep it low-key – inquire about them, then let them know how much you love them. I think your wanting to touch base with them shows them that you're still interested, and the trust grows from there. And like kids everywhere, even if they're being little monsters, they want to be assured of your love for them.
Low key? How do i do that?
Where i get stuck though .... the truth is that my parents caused the trouble, then made it worse, threw me out, spread lies and ruined my life .... but none of that i can say to two young children who are still living with and under the influence of my parents ... so how do i get them on my side and to forgive me without actually placing the blame on my parents??
It would take Adult comprehension to understand your actions.
Two red flags to bear in mind:
1:how do you know your letter wouldn't be interceded by the parent? Sorry but manipulative folks have no problem crossing moral lines and reading mail intended for a minor.
2: Your parent is ill. I mean really Ill. I don't mean it in a condesending way. Its the reality of the disease. Your actions in leaving were the wisest. It is my wish for you that your Mom does get help, and see's the errors of her actions. She will ultimately have to come to terms with her ghosts. And there are ALOT of them.
Understand that your siblings probably will question your leaving, but they are also sick from being in the presence of an alcholic. There minds arent going to be clear enough to understand your real adult and normal reasons for leaving.
The reason someone said to keep it lite is because your siblings dont need to relive your actions, but they sure will welcome your support in knowing you care.
low-key ... tell them you're thinking of them (or something specific made you think of them), that you hope they're doing well and that you love them. Period.
meaning, just enough to know they're on your mind, but not enough to give your parents ammo to use against you. Kids figure out the truth quickly enough, and if you're making friendly overtures by letting them know you're thinking of them, they're gonna notice that YOUR behavior is way different than what YOUR FOLKS say ...
Nearly 2 years ago my relationship with my parents rapidly deteriorated because they would get drunk and out of control, and then constantly abuse and threaten me and my fiancée. I was thrown out of my home by my mother, who is an alcoholic and, i have realized, is totally unhinged, and she immediately spread lies about myself and my fiancée, so that my family and friends would be on her side, and i did not have the chance to tell people what really happened.
These lies resulted in us being beaten up, threatened with a gun and unable to leave the house because we were just immediately followed and had rocks thrown at us etc.
I was unable to get back home to see my 10 year old brother and sister because my mother went completely mad, and was harassing and terrorising my and my fiancée's family continuously for over a year.
My siblings have been told lies by my parents (the few i have heard are that i tried to stab my mum, and then ran off with my fiancée because i didn't care about my family), and they turned against me almost straight away. They were very abusive when i saw them in the street..
my god thats awful and im truly sorry.. i can only begin to imagine..
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaimemurray
..but they sent me cards at Christmas saying they loved me and wanted me back.
I have now moved very very far away, and we are finally safe, and i have started to rebuild my life and myself, and desperately want to contact my siblings, to let them know i didn't leave them out of choice, and the things they have been told aren't true, and i still love them.
I have no idea what to say though? They are 10 and 13. How should i phrase the letter? Obviously i can't just tell them what happened, as they aren't going to believe that their parents were the cause of all the problems, or believe all the things they did to me, but I want to explain that i didn't do all the bad things they have been told, and that i love them .... help!!
i would let them decide for themselves who you are. if you become close, you can tell them what happened when the time is right. if they get to know you, they'll believe it, and sympathize. you cant convince them of anything as it is now though, focus on the positive.. like the fact that you love them and the stuff that they do for fun.. your relationship with them doesnt have to be about your relationship with the rest of your family.
I believe this is your side of the story and not the complete story. I would like to hear your parents' side and their point of view of what happened.
Well that's your prerogative, but I don't see why you felt the need to post it. I posted here to ask for help and advice ... clearly your post was not aimed to help in any way.
The fact is that I love my brother and sister, and it was not my choice or wish to have them out of my life, this was taken out of my hands, and now I know my situation is safe and stable, I want to let them know that they are always welcome, and also give them support if they ever need it.
Last edited by jaimemurray; 18th September 2009 at 2:37 PM..
Let me ask you this, do you think your parents are abusing your younger sinblings?
I haven't been at home for nearly two years, so can't answer that with any degree of knowledge. I know they treated them badly while I was there, and that they have a troubled and difficult home life, but they have learnt to just put up with it, to pacify their parents a bit. Why?
Clarify - Out of curiousity - what value do you think hearing her parents' side of the story will bring to this thread? In fact do you actually believe your posts are helpful? Because frankly I'm not seeing it.
Jamiemurray - I'm keeping everything crossed for you. But remember if it doesn't happen this time, don't give up. Feel free to PM me if you wish - trust me, I've been there!
I second the motion that Clarify just isnt that into posting advice or showing support as trying to create an argument. This isnt a legal site or a Parent verses child site. Yes folks here know there are more then just one side! BUt that person/persons isnt here. SO deal with the statements or the conveying of the persons dilema. I have often beleived truth comes in many forms. From the heart, from the pain, from the facts....Try to zoom in on that instead of trying to find faults...
JM, you'll know when the time is right to approach why you left – trying to unload all of this on them when you're just getting to know them again is unfair and unwise. I know it's troubliing you, but you've GOT to first build the relationship with them, to a point where they feel they can ask you and get an honest answer. Because as another poster pointed out, right now, everything out of your mouth is questionable, thanks to the crap your mom's been telling them.
GO SLOW even if you want to do otherwise; the relationship is like a fragile plant that needs to be nurtured, not drowned, in order to grow.
It's about 23 years later now and I am still their go-to person when they need advice/support/help whatever. high-five, sister! This is fantastic news
Curiousnycgirl - Thanks for that and I'll let you know what happens. I'm not sure if she even uses her account, but hopefully!
Tayla - truth comes in many forms. From the heart, from the pain, from the facts That's really insightful. I had to read it a few times, but now I see what you mean, and I agree with you.
Quankanne - thanks for the advice: I understand now (thanks for persevering!). I'll take it slow, as you said it's most important just to get a relationsip with them again, and get them to feel that i am there for them ... explanations can come later. Especially as the truth would make their home life awkward, so it's not an option until they are older and independent.
I'm willing to bet she does use her facebook account - I'm pulling for you - once again Quank is dead on - keep it light - leave the rough stuff to the appropriate time - just establish contact and be there for her.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
What do i say to my estranged siblings?
and I'll let you know what happens. I'm not sure if she even uses her account, but hopefully! 
Hybrid Mode
