So scared but here goes. I discovered that my husband of 10 years (13 years together) was cheating with a co-worker, 10 years younger than me and also married. Mainly an emotional affair with a few kisses. After I made the discovery he decided our marriage was over. He ran. I wanted to try and work things out as I believe that we both made mistakes. I took our love for granted at times. He is adamant it is over. He had been unhappy for some time. He has still been using me for emotional support and intimacy. I advised him yesterday that I can longer be that woman to him. Lots of mixed signals. This happened a month ago. I am falling apart as I did not see this coming. I knew we had problems as he works away all week but I did not expect this. He says he loves me. We have a lovely daughter who does not know yet as I am loathe to break her heart. I have a wonderful support network so I am very lucky in that respect. He does not seem to appreciate that I am in shock and devastated by this as he had already left the marriage in his head. I want him to be happy but I am so hurt that he is not willing to attempt to save our marriage. I am having individual counselling as is he. He has agreed to go to joint couselling but only so I can understand that it is over. A few years ago he survived a life threatening illness and I think since then he has changed (understandably). The pain is so great that I am embarressed that I am having difficulty coping. I am trying to put on a 'brave face' for my daughter, but I am pertrified.
Hi, I'm no expert like alot of experienced folks here, but I will throw my recent experience 2 cents in.
Okay, this is going to sound a little business like, but I had some guys mentoring me on the practical side even though there is an emotional part that is going to cloud things up. You need to protect yourself and your daughter. Lawyer up! Record phone calls, be the first to file so you can control the timeline. Make sure you and the daughter are taken care of. It may seem amicable now, but it can get nasty so you should be prepared to get what is fair for you. Make a checklist and start getting busy taking care of all your property, funds, and proof of improper marital conduct. The checklist will keep you moving forward and getting things done does wonders for self-esteem.
You will need to decide what you want. Is there a chance for reconciliation before its too late? Maybe the counseling session he agrees to go to will let him get some things out on the table. Don't do what I did which was try to refute stuff. Just pushes him farther away. Just say "sorry you feel that way" and let him get it out.
The "instruction book" is very clear about whether to break this covenant, and I don't know where you stand with all that, but your beliefs come in to play too. I am a believer that there is only one reason that justifies the dissolution. I had my wife in a counseling session and she went just to check it off the list and wanted to file for divorce immediately after we left there. It sounds like you are working on yourself and the next relationship you have will be better from this.
Could you forgive and forget if you reconciled? If not, you will move though this faster and the healing will begin for you and you daughter once you can decide to move on. I am sure it will be his loss, but right now you need to take care of your own journey and continue to take care of that daughter, the most important thing in this whole equation. What he doesn't have correct is his pecking order: The man upstairs, You and your daughter, and then himself. If that was the case he would be working this stuff out. Your pecking order right now needs to be the man upstairs, your daughter and then yourself. The rest will take care of itself if you keep it that way.
I discovered that my husband of 10 years (13 years together) was cheating with a co-worker, 10 years younger than me and also married. Mainly an emotional affair with a few kisses.
Same thing happened to me but don't take his word for it that it was just a few kisses. Cheaters lie their a** off and deny, deny, deny. If the MW is still in his life then you stand no chance in h*ll of saving the M.
You must let go, it's the only thing that will save you. The man you knew, is gone. Save your dignity and do a complete turnaround. Tell him you love him and want to stay with him and make sure he understands that. Next thing you do is limited contact. Start living your life for you, improve yourself in the areas you feel need improving and concern yourself with just you and your daughter. He will miss you then. Do not be emotionally available to him and keep conversations brief. He will wonder about you. The thing is to get his interest by getting on with your life and showing him you will move on with or without him.
I'm sorry this is happening to you and if your H does come around the MW has to be out of the picture. Otherwise, you suffer and then are made to be in competition with her which will cause you unbearable pain. If that scenario plays out, get a lawyer and a divorce straight away, no ifs, ands, or buts.
__________________ you've been too gone for too long, now it's too late to come back home-------randy travis
I cried when I began reading the replies to my post. I felt understood again, as although I have so much support, it is not the same as communicating with people who have been there or are still there. I have never felt so alone as I have in the last month. I have never wanted to take my own life but I have wondered how I actually wake up some mornings. I want to accept what is happening but I am in shock as are my friends and family.
Singledad2 - thankyou very much for your reply, I will read more of your experience. In Australia I think the whole divorce thing is a little different, as far as cheating having an impact etc, although I have not yet got any legal advice. Maybe I am trying to avoid that so I can be in denial a bit longer. Your pecking order comments were so true, seeing that on the computer screen made me feel slightly better as I realise I should not be so surprised by his actions. What more can I expect? In some ways I feel pity for him as I know he is lost but I can't take care of him anymore. If this is the life he wants then he needs to live it.
I believe that I could forgive as I can take responsibility for my part in this but maybe I am saying that out of desperation....
Hopesndreams - Thanks so much for taking time to reply. Yes I guess I should not believe anything he says, he has been lying to me for 4 months, that I know of. It feels like a bad dream. It is our 10th wedding anniversary on Thursday. I am truly beaten. I don't want to be a victim but I find it hard to be strong. I feel I have failed our daughter by not being able to salvage this marriage. You are right when you say I need to let go, we have never separated before and I just cant get my head around it.
First of all, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. These first few months are hell, and I understand a lot of what you're feeling.
Second, you did not fail your daughter, your husband did (this may not sink in yet but you should hear it).
Third, do NOT be embarrassed that you are having difficulty coping. EVERYONE on this forum is having/has had difficulty coping. Drinking, suicidal thoughts, rebounding, begging, crying, depression, moping, stalking, rage, etc. All par for the course. That's why the forum exists. Read other people's threads (MrMayI, Lupa, Tojaz, LisaUK, Ryepatch, Broken Hearted, Auroracoladybug etc.) But I know how you feel because I'm also ashamed for taking time away from law school to deal with my situation (and it's not a divorce).
The fact that you're posting here means that you're ready to start your healing journey. I've noticed that most people start posting about a month or so in, after the shock starts to wear off. You can put on a brave face for your daughter but you can share you fears here. Post when you need to; I'll be listening.
"I told him I was not giving up. He seems annoyed at me for that."
Ouch! Mistake. Don't be discouraged though. Do a 180 and DON'T talk about the marriage. Learn from this. He seemed annoyed because he probably was. Doing the 180's means finding out what works and what doesn't. Please look up the list of 180's and follow them like the bible. Living day by day is great but if you don't have a road map living day by day doesn't mean a hill of beans. My wife who is in MLC, cheated on me and asked for a seperation says the same thing all the time "I'm taking it day by day" but she has no real plan on her own healing, no focus, and is taking it one day at a time. I hear from her friends that she often spends all day in bed (which is not her). Doesn't seem to work well for her if you catch my drift. Taking it day by day without a real plan for healing is like a sail boat in the wind without the sails tied down. You can float day by day but when you don't plan to tie the sails down you will just let the current take you wherever it wants and you will just........float. Also the plan you come up with now will definately change as you go through the process. What you want now will change a month from now as you tweak your plan.
Make sure in the day by day thing you allow yourself to feel the pain and anger and the range of emotions. It is necessary in your healing. BTW. I haven't heard ANY anger from you. So focused on HIS happiness. That sounds very nobel of you. Sorry if this sounds a bit matter of fact but it seems so unreal. Perhaps you are too focused on his well being and not enough on your own. Remember, the ONLY way to save a marriage when one person doesn't want it is to save yourself first.
Also, I wouldn't believe him about the OMW. My wife said the same thing only to find out she was still seeing him. He is probably saying it to get you off his back or to prevent you from telling the OW's husband. But that shouldn't prevent you from taking care of yourself and your child and making a plan for healing.
Look, infidelity does not mean the end of the world. And as you seem to know, does not have to be a deal breaker. Its possible the infidelity was just a manifestation of the distance in the marriage - both emotionally and physically.
Just because as you said : In his mind, the marriage is already over...doesnt mean a thing. Not yet. Because a marriage being over in his mind is NOTHING like a marriage being over in reality. NOTHING.
Right now, you are a victim of his actions. Why just you?? How can he possibly have a grasp on reality without baring the consequences of his own actions? Whether the marriage recovers or not, you need to reveal this affair to OW and to her husband. What have you to lose?
Stop being his emotional support. Stop being intimate with him. He hasnt lost or changed a thing yet...except that now you are openly the victim, openly being punished, openly being blamed. Over in his head? Show him what over is.
__________________
"She looks like the real thing She tastes like the real thing My fake plastic love."
Radio Head
Well said 2sure. Well said. Exposure is a must. I guarantee you he is still with OMW. First part of your plan should be to expose the affair as hard as it may be. don't tell your husband. Go to www.marriagebuilders.com and read the site and section on exposing the affair. I feel for you. It is not easy but he is in fantasyland and needs a wake up.
Thanks to everyone for the responses. People will think I am stupid but I dont think I can tell the other woman's husband. Well I could but I am too scared. I feel so weak and I dont know if exposing this whole thing is the right thing to do.....Sometimes I think about revenge but I dont act on it at all. I dont have enough anger yet I guess. I am usually an assertive person who would always stand up for herself but now I am acting like the victim.
Today is my 10th Wedding Anniversary. No phone call, nothing...Should I call him or just try and forget this whole day? I know I need to stand up here and get stronger and start working on myself but I am consumed with thoughts of my marriage ending up in divorce and that I am going to completely lose my husband, losing my home and my daughter's security. I know the home is a material thing but I dont want to lose everything at once.
don't call him today!!! i didn't call my wife on our anniversary or send her anything, which i'm sure she was expecting, and though she hasn't contacted me yet, she hasn't served me papers yet.
let him sit there expecting your call and not getting it. let him wonder. he'll think about you much more if you don't. don't call him at all when you're upset. come on here and post exactly what you would say to him if you could, he'll never know and you'll get it off your chest. then go treat yourself somehow, go out for ice cream or whatever, preferrably with a friend.
hang in there. tomorrow will be easier.
as for posting on other people's threads, i didn't start doing it much til recently. we all screwed up our situations in one way or another, we're realizing some of the mistakes we made and we don't want you to make!
as for exposing the affair, i defer to those with more experience, but just don't do it in a way that makes you look jealous or vengeful, or, most importantly, pathetic. hold off until you're sure of your plan. he could resent you as meddling or controlling. from what i read, most affairs burn out of their own accord after a while. get a lot of advice on this before you act, read the stuff people are telling you to read.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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