The very things we dislike and push our buttons in others are the very things we dislike about ourselves. In psycho babble it's called our shadow, or our disowned self. There's some hipocracy going on in your story.....
"He had made vows to me and God to be honest, faithful, and true to me til death due us part"
"I do love my current husband and never talk about these things to him because I don't want to hurt him but I don't trust him because I don't want to be a fool again and that really bothers him"
You physically kicked the ex out, filed and received an immediate divorce, remarried but are very much still in an emotional relatoinship with your ex, 6 1/2 years later. As you know, it's not so much the physical betrayal that hurts like a mother, nor is it keeping you seething for years on end... it's the emotional one. No two things can occupy the same space... whilst you choose to strongly remain tied to your ex via your thoughts, feelings and reactions (ie emotions) you are being emotionally untrue to your current husband.... that makes you a hipocrite, no better or worse than your ex.
Excusing your lying (as you well know, omitting to speak the truth IS lying) by telling yourself that you never talk about these things with him so you don't hurt him is condescending.... your present husband is not a child that needs your protection from the truth of what's really driving you, he has every right to a marriage based on his partner being wholeheartedly emotionally available to him and a marriage based on honesty.... virtues and dynamics in a marriage you command but do not live yourself.
What is a marriage without trust?.... a farce. Trust is simply not negotiable... either it's there or it's not. Whilst I feel and understand, only too well, the pain and fear from your betrayal experience, whatever way you slice it and dice it... you are not fully emotionally committed to your current marriage.... just as your ex wasn't to yours.
The events of 6 1/2 years ago are over... nothing can be corrected, changed or fixed... getting answers you feel he owes you will only perpetuate things in your mind. It'll only serve to give you something new to focus on for possibly another 6 1/2 years. You know ALL you need to know. Betrayel IS horrible but frankly, you're emotional bearings are a bit off whack. 20, 30, 40 years from now the events will still be the same.... will your anger and hate be too?. The only thing that can change now is your perception of those events. You mentioned something about life being short... yeah it is.... mentally living in the past for so long pursuing what you didn't receive is not living.
The only pay off that's clear for you to be contuining to give him so much energy is you get to avoid having to deal with the real issue... you. You have the perfect excuse not to really put yourself out there again, to protect yourself, to not be responsibile for your happiness after the fact. You've chosen the easy path:
"Never trust again how they use to because they won't be made a fool twice"
"I will never be able to love him or trust him the way I did my first husband...he stole that from me too"
You're continuing to play the victim.... he stole nothing from you, only what you're allowing him to have. DO the hard work and deal with the hand you've been dealt.... YOUR issues instead of using your ex, his new wife, the unfairness, the bitterness, anger, excuses and story as a get out of jail free card to avoid dealing with your pain and fear. Yes, you MIGHT get hurt again like that, that's the nature of the beast... but so what? You WILL survive!. You're cheating yourself and your new husband by not allowing yourself to be vulnerable to him emotionally.... without vulnerability there is no real intimacy.... why bother being married?. Oh, and your ex wins ALL round!.
If anything I've said seems heartless to you, that's fine..... there is nothing noble or healthy in choosing to play this blame game of yours... to wake up everyday and marinate in your victim juices all these years after the event is rather masochistic actually. Personal growth and maturity come through realising you are 100% responsible for anything and everything you think and thus feel. Deal with it. Things happen in life... we can't control the weather, other people or bad events.... the only thing you do have in your power is how you choose to react to anything... choose wisely
I am assuming that you still have to keep some contact with this man that you were once married to? Did you have a child together? I can't see after so many years, and even being married to another man that you still feel such strong hate towards him. The only thing that I can think of is that you must have some type of contact with him....or run in to him and his wife on occasion.
Besides the above... You need to re-program your thoughts. For every horrible thing that you think of this first husband of yours....you need to tell yourself 2 positive things....
for instance you may say....He is a bastard...
then 2 postive things you have to say after that.......1. you would have never met your wonderful 2nd husband if it wouldn't have been for him.... and 2. you would have never of known what a loving relationship was like if he wouldn't have done this to you....whether you want to believe it or not...he was not a loving person to you....(husband 1)...and you should be happy you didn't have to grow old with such a bastard...HE DID YOU A FAVOR..HE OBVIOUSLY IS SELF ABSORBED AND SELFISH AND HE FOUND HIS MATCH...THIS CHICK HE IS WITH NOW...IS THE SAME AS HIM....SHE TOOK THE CHOICE TO GO OUT WITH HIM EVEN WHEN HE WAS MARRIED... HISTORY USUALLY REPEATS ITSELF...UNLESS SOMEONE SEEKS HELP.....AND I AM SURE THEIR RELATIONSHIP WILL NOT WORK OUT FOR A LONG PERIOD...IF YES IT DOES THEN THEY DESERVE EACH OTHER.
He is a jerk and you found out early enough where you found someone else. And, how brave it was of you to face reality and not ignore it like some women would. and, believe me, some women may keep this man in their life. You are a very brave and courageous person...to have been able to face reality the way you did. I WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME....SO GIVE YOURSELF SOME CREDIT FOR BEING SUCH A STRONG PERSON YOU ARE....AND SEEK SOME MORE COUNSELING SO THAT YOU CAN RID YOURSELF ON THIS BAGGAGE OF ANGER...AND THEN LEAD A HAPPY LIFE. POST ANYTIME....U NEED HELP
Believe it or not, I have no contact with him. I have not even seen him since I had to sue him and re-open our divorce in 1997. I saw him in Court and we talked for a while like nothing had ever happened and then I never saw him again. Believe it or not, this man (my ex) and I went together to a Divorce attorney and he sat there and held my hand crying and asked the Atty if he ever changed his mind could we get remarried. I honestly believe that the only reason he married this girl is because he got her knocked up and he and I had no kids yet so he had to be loyal to his children. That is the type of guy he was...that's why I never thought he would cheat...it wasn't in him. Either that or he was a very good liar. He kept telling me over and over when he left that he would always love me but this is something he had to do. She proceeded to have 2 more kids by him in the next 2 1/2 years after that...Pretty smart girl if you ask me. She was making sure she had him good and trapped. She actually called me AFTER they were married and asked me to meet her for coffee...which I did, I don't know why...and sat there asking me advice on what she should do because he would always talk about me and she was afraid he would come back to me. DUH? Hello?!? If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you. Anyway, I have not seen nor spoken to my ex-husband since 1997. In fact, he has moved to another state with his job but I have kept in touch with his parents ever since, sending them a Christmas Card and letter every year. However, his father wrote me a letter this past Christmas and asked me to stop having contact with them because even though they love me and always will and they think what he did was wrong they feel that me keeping in contact with them is preventing me from healing and moving on with my life. I have respected their wishes, of course. Needless to say, all of these posts I have been reading really are helping and putting a new perspective on things for me. I guess all this time I have blamed myself and thought "If I only had done this" or "If I hadn't done that" and that I should have tried to keep him but I just couldn't see begging a man to love me and stay with me that had obviously not had the same feelings for me. It was, however, like a different person. From the moment I found about her he was like someone I had never met. Distant, cold, and like he didn't give a rat's ass that he was throwing away 7 years and breaking my heart. I'm not even certain that he felt one moment of guilt for what he's done and I guess I never will. So is life. My husband now is not only 10 times better looking than my first husband, he is a fabulous father and most of the time a pretty great husband too. He moved in with me 2 weeks after we met...4 weeks later I was pregnant...and two months after meeting eachother we were saying "I do" on the beach in Maui, Hawaii. We've been married 3 years now and he's adopted my son and given him his last name. He's great. I just want to be able to give him all of me. Thanks for all the help! Michelle
Funny thing about people who feel guilty ... they sometimes tend to behave even more cruelly. Perhaps seeking to escalate the situation so that the person they hurt will retaliate, thus giving the original wrong-doer grounds for denouncing the person they hurt. Some people just can't face the consequences of their actions.
You're so much better off, clearly. That's all that matters.
You always hit the points so on the nail and so clearly. I have often witnessed the behavior you described in your post above and could never, ever figure out why. It's still nuts to me. But, then again, there are an awful lot of crazy people in this world.
I don't know if you realize it, but you have explained why lots of people are mean to those who are very nice to them. They feel guilty about accepting gifts and other kindnesses from people they don't particularly care about so they crap on them...hoping to get something worse back so they can feel better (if you get my point). Hell, that's the point you just made.
With such a grasp of human behavior, how do you keep your sanity in such a bizarre world?
although I can't claim that the insight is mine. David Mamet laid it out in The Spanish Prisoner: "They will behave cruelly toward you because they feel guilty."
Originally posted by TheCrawfordsNM He OWES me those answers. It's not fair. He should have to pay for what he did to me
He doesn't OWE you, or anyone else, anything. He pledged his loyalty and love to you and failed to follow through on that promise - but that doesnt mean that he owes you anything.
The only thing in life that is fair, is that eventually we all die. Between birth and death there are no guarantees and what may seem unfair to you will seem fair to another.
Why should he have to pay for what he did to you? You are divorced now. You had no children together - so he has no responsibility in that regard.
I would be devastated if my husband cheated on me. I'm sure I would go through the same range of emotions that you have/are going through. I'm sure I would want to lash out too -- it's natural to want to hurt the ones that hurt you.
I hope that your coming here and reading so many opinions and thoughts will help you to move past this. Not just for you, but for your family too.
I just noticed something that the original poster wrote:
"My husband now is not only 10 times better looking than my first husband, he is a fabulous father and most of the time a pretty great husband too. He moved in with me 2 weeks after we met...4 weeks later I was pregnant...and two months after meeting eachother we were saying "I do" on the beach in Maui, Hawaii."
Not trying to be judgmental at all, but just curious here....it seems you moved into your current relationship (and subsequent marriage) *extremely* quickly.....most people don't move in together after 2 weeks, wow.
Do you think you did this because you were hoping being with your current husband would help ease the pain from your ex? Kind of a rebound thing? It sounds like you really didn't have all that much time to really heal from your past marriage. How long after you divorced the first guy did you meet this current one?
I'm actually a little suprised that you jumped into a second marriage so quickly....considering you admit to having trouble trusting.
Maybe the above could explain why you're still having problems putting your past behind you??
I totally agree with you that I jumped into this marriage VERY quickly, however, it was NOT a rebound thing. My divorce from #1 was final on September 5, 1996 and I married my current husband on October 26, 2000 so there was a 4 year time frame in there. I did have a rebound (my son's father) that I was in a relationship with and lived with for almost 2 years immediately following my divorce but after I split from him I stayed completely single for 2 years trying to get my head and heart straight. I dated casually but never had a boyfriend in these two years. When I met my current husband it was instantly that we both knew we should be together. We never had any doubts and it's been nearly 3 years now and we are still going strong. Do I think I could be more open and giving to him? yes, perhaps. But I also believe that our past makes us what we are and that someday I will eventually let my walls down. My husband now knows what I went through and how tender that subject is for me. He also knows that I kept my wedding dress and ring from my ex-husband as well as a huge box in the attic that has all of our photos together from High School. Prom, our Wedding, etc. and letters between the two of us and that sort of thing. That is part of my past and I told him that if he was that jealous that he couldn't handle me having photos in a box that we didn't need to be together. He is totally OK with it. I guess if you are someone who only gives yourself half-heartedly to a relationship you can not fathom what I am going through, however, if you pour your heart and soul into a relationship like I do then you could understand. I also think it would be different if I had any CLUE that he was leaving or having an affair and if I had gotten some closure or been able to get some answers and a goodbye. They say it takes one year to get over every year you were with someone and I am coming right up to that mark. I only hope that it's true. I WANT to be over all this...trust me...it is not fun to be in constant hurt and turmoil. Hopefully, with the advice from you all and the help of God I will be able to move on sooner than later. Thanks again!
Crawford, I've seen both my sisters go through divorces around the same time, and while each handled it differently, it was harder to watch the second one because she still loved her no-good, lying, cheating husband dearly, and he used that to his advantage. Yeah, she dated, but she treated the men like **** because she didn't trust any of them. Eventually, though, she married a good friend of hers who worked for the same company as she did, and it amazes me how much hope that relationship has given her. I don't think I've seen her this happy even when she was married to her high school sweetheart. I think she finally told herself to let him go, that he wasn't going to come back to her, that he wasn't going to give her the closure she needed, she had to do it herself. Of course, she later told us that her ex was NOT happy when she announced she was going to remarry (he had already divorced his second wife and had lived with 2 other women), because he expected her to wait for him!
As hard as it is to admit that your marriage failed -- especially when you considered it a vow before God -- hanging on to your anger at what happened is only going to backfire on you. It's just not worth having those kinds of feelings for someone who did you wrong. It sounds like your husband now is a compassionate man who cares a lot about you, and he deserves ALL of you in this relationship, not just what you can dole out because you're focusing too much on what happened with your ex.
Last edited by quankanne; 18th March 2003 at 11:27 AM..
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I am just commenting on the statement where you say it takes a year for every year you were with a person to heal. I disagree with that. There is no set time on when you're supposed to be healed pending on how long you were with the person. If you think about it, that's ludicrous.
If you are only with a person for a year and within that year you were cheated on and severly abused mentally and emotionally, that person is expected to be over it within a year? And if you look at it in the opposite perspective whereas someone was in a relationship for a few years, but wasn't badly abused and only had minimal issues, they are supposed to take those few years to get over it?
I think you heal at your own pace according to your own needs. The amount of time you spent in the relationship won't dictate to you how long you are expected to get over it. It depends on how much damage was done and how that individual is at dealing with it and moving on.
So don't condemn yourself to a year after year sentence of hurting/healing just because you were with him for that long. It is time that you faced all you have been through and truly be able to move on. I hope you find the strength to do so. It will set you free.
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__________________
"Your second chance makes a brilliant first impression
on someone who walks in just when you get it right." ~Unknown
"Your vision will become clear,
Only when you look into your heart.
He who looks outside, dreams.
He who looks inside, awakens." ~Carl Jung
first of all i cant type so be prepared.
to the people who say if she is a Christian she should't be doing what she is doing. a Christian is not a saint or god, Christians are not perfect.
when you really love someone and they cheat on you it is devastating, it tears you down, its like someone died,if you don't get answers you don't get over it.
if people want to have sex or be with another get a divorce first!
sleep around before you get married if you feel the need, have some self control. people are so selfish it makes me sick!
if you pour your heart and soul into a relationship like I do then you could understand.
I believe you gave everything you had in your first marriage, but the sad fact is, it failed. You can't go back, you can't change it, it's history and a sad part of life.
I have to ask you though, being this Ex is controlling so many of your thoughts, do you really think you are pouring your heart and soul into your second marriage?
No offense, but I don't. This Ex of yours might as well be sitting on your couch with his feet propped up, asking you what's for dinner.
I went through your situation when an ex cheated and a wise person told me...
If you hate this person (my ex) so bad, why are you taking them home to dinner?
Being I hadn't seen the Ex in a few months, I thought, "Huh, What the hell is she talking about, I'm not taking him to dinner".
Then she explained to me, you get up in the morning and you think of him, you go to work and think of him, you come home in a bad mood because you're thinking of him, so why are you bringing him home to dinner too?
In a sense, this Ex still has control over you, and you are giving it to him, by giving all your thoughts to something you will never be able to change.
Rest easy in the fact that what comes around, goes around. We all will one day have to answer to our maker for our sins.
I firmly believe that some of the pain we must endure in life is for a reason. Kind of like, to get something really good, you have to experience something awful to appreciate it.
Let it go dear and thank God for what you have in front of you now.
I'll wish you all the strength you need, to heal and move on.
"When I say my prayers every night I beg God to take this anger, hurt, and resentment out of my heart...it just hasn't happened yet. I just hope that some day he does the same thing to her because you don't really know what it feels like until it happens to you."
Sorry.. drifitng through and caught this thread. I have to ask, why is it that people expect God to do all of the work for them? Hasn't anyone heard of God helping those who help themselves? He can't do it when you are unwilling to begin letting go of the anger and resentment that you harbor. Instead, you seem to actively be seeking ways to fuel your hatred of them. You can pray night and day, but if you are not willing to put your words into actions, then there is no point. Praying for God to lift the anger and resentment from you is kind of cancelled out by the prayers for bad things to happen to your ex. You need to actively seek ways to forgive. Not him. He doesn't deserve your forgiveness. But you have to forgive you.
I'm not saying that you have done anything wrong, but as someone who has been where you're at, I know that you are still harboring these feelings because, deep down, you feel like it's your fault. Let me clue you in on a secret. It doesn't matter how thin, beautiful, rich, or intelligent you are. Halle Berry's husband screwed around on her, too. It doesn't matter how good a wife you were, how honest, hardworking, thoughtful, attentive, and loving you were, either. Because none of this was about you, sweetie. It was about him. I know you feel like you should have known. I know you feel like the world's biggest fool for not figuring it out sooner. But, the thing is, when you love someone, you expect them to be honest with you. It doesn't occur to you that they would be capable of this kind of betrayal of their morals, or of your relationship. And when that happens, it forces you to re-examine every belief that you have about people, about your judgment, about your entire life. But the fact that he violated sacred vows is a reflection on his moral bankruptcy. It in no way says anything about the kind of person that you are, only the kind of person that he is.
You're right. It isn't fair that he did this to you. It isn't fair that he gave you no answers, when he is the only one that has them. But, no one ever promised that life would be fair, just that it would be life. It is what you make of it. When you finally allow yourself to forgive YOU, that's when the healing starts, and not before.
And remember, living well, and truly being happy with your life, is the very best revenge that you will ever have. Because when you finally let it all go, and live each day for you, and your family, instead of for the past, he will still be stuck with a wife who trapped him into marriage, and she'll still have a husband that she will never be truly sure whether he is staying because he loves her, or because he feels obligated.
I do care about his wife. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her, feel guilt and pain for her.
Am I proud of what I do NO! it's something that has happened.
Is it something that will end YES
Will he leave his wife, never
Will I ever forgive myself, probably not!
Bottom line, OW do think of the wives. There are some of us that care.... but there are other circumstances at times.
You have every right to be angry with your Husband. Hurt, revenge, but don't do it. There are always two sides to a story.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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