[alphamale]

Originally Posted by JamesM

And to continue what bhweller said, many people do not find out that they have bipolar disorder or any other disorder (physical or mental) until after they are married.

mental illness, like any other disease comes in different "flavours"....there is mild, medium, severe and profound.

so as long as the person doesn't have severe or profound bipolar disorder you should be good to go.

[sveltskye]

I am bipolar and I think that I am seriously a great candidate for being in a relationship, though I am currently not right now. I would be happy to discuss with anyone who would like to learn more about the disease. There are also several books on the subject of being in a relationship or being a loved one of someone with bipolar.
Bipolar people are just like everyone else and every person is an individual, I think that is important to remember. Everybody has their own issues but not everybody is labeled for them. I think empathy and seeing one's partner for who they are is key. I also think that its apparent when someone is stable and in a good place, bipolar or no.

[You'reasian]

Originally Posted by writergal

I posted this in the dating thread and then it disappeared just now. So I wanted to repost my question.

I recently was reconnected with an ex-bf of 12 years ago (we dated for 3 months) on match.com when he contacted me.

12 years ago we dated briefly before I had to leave the country to teach abroad. He broke up with me then b/c he didn't want to wait for me, and I never heard from him again.

So when he asked me out, via match.com, I said yes b/c I was curious to see what he'd been up to and find some closure (if i could) about why he didn't want to wait for me when I went abroad to teach for one year.

We had a great first date -- art festival, dinner and drinks, then walk in the park. At the end of the date, when we were sitting in the park, he dropped the bombshell on me that he sufferes from Bipolar Disorder and has been on Lithium, Seroquil, and Ativan for the past 20 years. He didn't tell me 12 years ago when we dated b/c he didn't "want to scare me away" he said.

We're obviously still very attracted to each other now, as we were then. He has a good relationship with his family from what I can remember (I met his parents and brother 12 years ago and they were a very supportive, upper middle class family unit). He never was violent with me when we dated; he never called me names or treated me poorly. He always treated me well, was very gentle with me physically and verbally. The one weird thing he did share with me is that he's kept a journal that he feels is full of more negative venting than anything positive, and he once tried to go off his Lithium for 3 months but had so many manic episodes he had to go back on it. He has been seeing a therapist weekly for nearly 20 years and depression runs in his family.

He's very socially awkward, somewhat socially naive about people, like, he doesn't consider himself macho on the basketball court or soccer field and doesn't like it when the guys he plays sports with, tease each other or get competitive b/c it makes him feel insecure (he said he feels like he gets taken advantage of a lot by people). He also hasn't had many long-term relationships, and he just recently had a career change from being a full-time employed chemist to now high school chemistry teacher. He coaches a high school soccer team for his city (not the highschool where he works), via community sports in summertime, and plays in a rock band. So he does have outlets and seems to function.

I'm just nervous about getting serious with him now that I know about his bipolar disorder. I'm afraid of hurting him emotionally if we were to fight about anything now. We never really fought about anything 12 years ago, either. I don't want to walk on eggshells around him, and I don't want to date him seriously just b/c I'd be afraid of rejecting him and the consequences (like, would he stalk me or do something to harm me even though he seems very gentle on the surface).

We did briefly talk about how to move forward after he told me about his mental illness. I suggested we just take it slow and date casually, and even date other people,to which he agreed. But he's not dating anyone else and he doesn't have as much relationship experience (esp. with physical intimacy) as I do, so I don't want to lead him on or do anything to hurt his feelings.

Is it never a good idea to date someone with a bipolar illness?

Is he truly bi-polar? Ask him to show you his prescriptions.

[dashing daisy]

Depends.

I'm bipolar, but I've reached a point with my meds and therapy that it barely affects me at all. No one would know unless they literally saw me taking my medicine or I told them.

However, there were times in the past, for quite a while after I was first diagnosed (and of course before I was diagnosed) that it greatly affected all of my relationships. I did not accept it, didn't want to me on medication, and then refused to consistently take my medicine (so I would take it, be mostly stable for a while, and then stop taking it). It made everything, from my work life to my personal life feel like a roller coaster; and it definitely affected my friends and family to an extent, and it greatly affected my relationship.

So I would say it depends on how much the illness affects his life, and how much you are willing to allow it to affect yours. Kind of like deciding on whether you want to get involved with someone who has cancer. It is quite different to start something who is just getting into treatment for stage 3 carcinoma, and quite another with someone who has been in remission for 4 years.

But in the end, it is your decision to make. Would I be offended if someone didn't want to date me just because I had bipolar? Yes. But it's much nicer to hear that before you get deeply involved with someone.

You are right, you should not get involved with someone because you are afraid of how they will react if you decide not to date them. And if you do decide that you want to date him, move slow, and read up on bipolar disorder and what it means.

Actually now I see that this thread has been left for a while, so I wonder how this went. Update?

[sedgwick]

I have bipolar disorder. I have gotten extensive therapy and have been stable on medications for many years. I have a pretty normal life -- haven't been hospitalized in years, have a job, have good, long-term relationships. Now that I'm on the right meds, I see no reason I can't do anything anyone else can do. I know other bipolar folks about whom I could say the same. If someone's on top of it, bipolar disorder doesn't have to be a hindrance at all.

I highly recommend Marya Hornbacher's memoir Madness: A Bipolar Life.