I have never felt this kind of pain before. I think about her every second of the day. We were together for 5 years (lived together for 4), broke up about 3 weeks ago. The pain is unbearable. There is nothing bad that I can say about her...we just conflicted, that's all. And that makes this so hard. I can't stop thinking about all the good memories...there are so many, even leading up to the breakup. I can't imagine a life without her. I see no light at the end of the tunnel.
I wasn't supportive enough, and let my temper get the best of me sometimes, so I'm dealing with guilt as well.
She is coping better than I am, and that is really hard. We still have contact, because we are finalizing moving and stuff. She dumped me. She said she would still return my phone calls. I sent her an email yesterday when our fish died, and she hasn't responded. It makes me incredibly sad and anxious; if we were together she would have responded. So obviously she does not feel the need to speak to me like I do with her. I used to be a priority and I'm not anymore. I am back to not eating anymore.
I thought I would keep our old apartment, it is so ideal in so many ways. But now I can't stand the thought of going back there (I'm staying with a friend right now, who leaves in 20 days). It makes me sick to be in the place, and I dread being there. I have to go back daily to feed the cat, and the thought of going there makes me sick. So I think I have to move.
I also was resolved to at least try going back to law school (I have one year under my belt), but I don't think I will be able to cope. Which makes me NOT want to lock into a 12 month lease at a new place, because part of me thinks that I will end up having to move home with my parents...the pain is so unbearable. I HATED school before the breakup, but she was my support, and I was just going to put my head down for two years and get the damn degree. Now I have lost my only source of support. She was there for me for everything.
So now I am not only devastated, but my whole life is up in the air. I hate that she has this power over me. I can't cope. She was my whole life. I feel that I should be starting a career soon, and I would hate to have this setback. But I didn't like the career path that I was on anyway...but the degree would be good to have.
I am so messed up. I just can't deal with this. I have so many decisions to make and I just can't make any. I want another chance with her, but I don't think there is any going back.
I know how you feel, the early stages of losing someone you loved and cared for so deeply are dreadful. Right now everything is confusing and you don't know which way to turn, like with school. I know, my ex left me and it resulted in me having no where to go accept back to my parents with no job at the age of 33! Not good. Right now you just need to concentrate on getting through one hour at a time, try and eat as hard as that is, don't think too far ahead. Take your time, when you feel ready go by your apartment for an hour, then build up, after all the cat will be missing you!
It's a coincidence you were at law school, I just got accepted on a graduate law degree and am trying to decide whether this is the right way forward for me or not. Can I ask how old you are?
My heart goes out to you so much right now! I know what you are feeling. Truly. No words will make the pain any better. But do know this. After some time and the initial shock wears off, you will start to feel a little more like yourself every day. One day you WILL be able to laugh again. I highly recommend looking at the threads I've posted and looking at the advice that I received from so many people on this website. 6 weeks ago I didn't think I could survive. I really didn't. 6 weeks later I feel better each day. Not perfect, but I am healing.
Don't forget to nurture yourself. Take it one minute at a time. Really. Remind yourself that you are a good person. You can do it! And we are all here for you. Don't forget that. You can always reach out. I feel for you my friend. I really do.
And personally--I would move out of your place. I did that after my ex left me, and while at first it was REALLY weird, eventually the space became mine. Fewer memories, smells, spaces that remind you of her/him.
I just read this on another thread and thought it would help you. It's actually REALLY good.
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Originally Posted by ahotmess
So I've been looking back at the old posts on this forum and I ran across this 3 times (but from years back) anyhow, I figured I would repost this so others can see it too! I wish I knew the original source of it...I hate not giving credit where credit is due, so for the record this isn't my gem of wisdom here...it just helps me figure things out....
What to expect when you get dumped!
I was sure that absolutely no one in the world had ever, or would ever, experience the pain that I was feeling after my break up. Funny. On the internet, I found a virtual world full of folks who have gone through and experienced the same things and felt the same feelings that I did. That helped a lot.
So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, "Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down.
You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harrassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months.
You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything.
You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful).
They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new.
You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague.
For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope."
You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t.
You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive.
Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did.
Then you'll get serious about no contact. This is where you LET GO , It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called.
Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidently. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow).
Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson.
Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had.
And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought.
And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be.
But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery.
I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react.
Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back.
So, I think I might just take a semester/a year off of law school, and go home to live with family. I can't even move off the couch right now. She ignored my messages last night - I can't describe how much that hurts me. She is already moving on.
They all speak the truth! It is a long hard road filled with hills and valleys, but it will lead you somewhere, it does end. Read others threads, see what is coming and what you can do. Check out "Apart and Shaken" especially.
Post some details when your ready, theres a lot of knowledge here to talk you through it!
TOJAZ
__________________
Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -Dr.Sydney Friedman
Reading what you had written about not being able to go back into your apartment, and how it kills you when she doesn't return your messages is exactly how I felt when my wife left. I was really upset, at first, that we were asked to leave the home, but looking back, I see it was the best thing. I couldn't stand even looking at the walls. Every single thing reminded me of her and even the simplest of things became too difficult to bother with anymore. I was always the cook in the house, but now I couldn't get my brain together long enough to cook very often for the kids. I was just picking up fast food or preparing whatever was quick. I would only wash enough clothes to get us by for a day or two. I realized that the memories held within the walls of the house were crushing me.
But I will say this, I don't know what situation might be the best for you, but it may be best to get another place or stay with your folks for a while if at all possible. I didn't think I could do it, but it has actually helped me considerably by just removing myself from all the memories -- good and bad.
I am very sorry about your situation. I hate that any of us are hurting so bad that we have to be here.
I have never felt this kind of pain before. I think about her every second of the day. We were together for 5 years (lived together for 4), broke up about 3 weeks ago. The pain is unbearable. There is nothing bad that I can say about her...we just conflicted, that's all. And that makes this so hard. I can't stop thinking about all the good memories...there are so many, even leading up to the breakup. I can't imagine a life without her. I see no light at the end of the tunnel.
I wasn't supportive enough, and let my temper get the best of me sometimes, so I'm dealing with guilt as well.
She is coping better than I am, and that is really hard. We still have contact, because we are finalizing moving and stuff. She dumped me. She said she would still return my phone calls. I sent her an email yesterday when our fish died, and she hasn't responded. It makes me incredibly sad and anxious; if we were together she would have responded. So obviously she does not feel the need to speak to me like I do with her. I used to be a priority and I'm not anymore. I am back to not eating anymore.
I thought I would keep our old apartment, it is so ideal in so many ways. But now I can't stand the thought of going back there (I'm staying with a friend right now, who leaves in 20 days). It makes me sick to be in the place, and I dread being there. I have to go back daily to feed the cat, and the thought of going there makes me sick. So I think I have to move.
I also was resolved to at least try going back to law school (I have one year under my belt), but I don't think I will be able to cope. Which makes me NOT want to lock into a 12 month lease at a new place, because part of me thinks that I will end up having to move home with my parents...the pain is so unbearable. I HATED school before the breakup, but she was my support, and I was just going to put my head down for two years and get the damn degree. Now I have lost my only source of support. She was there for me for everything.
So now I am not only devastated, but my whole life is up in the air. I hate that she has this power over me. I can't cope. She was my whole life. I feel that I should be starting a career soon, and I would hate to have this setback. But I didn't like the career path that I was on anyway...but the degree would be good to have.
I am so messed up. I just can't deal with this. I have so many decisions to make and I just can't make any. I want another chance with her, but I don't think there is any going back.
Just needed to get some of this off my chest.
Quote:
and...there is a vet, he can be a bit controversial...BUT he has been thru IT ALL!
First off your going to learn how to 'breath' again, and regain control of your emotional state of mind, for if your not in control of your emotions? They're in control of you.
For your own good, and for regaining control of your emotional state of mind? You absolutely have to go NC with this woman. (NC = No Contact)
Nada, nothing, zilch! No phone calls, e-mails, texting, ~ nothing!
Until you do regain control of your emotional state of mind ~ you're going to be seriously handicapped in making decisions about yourself, your life.
Now is not the time to make life alternating decisions. About careers, going back to school, anything really.
What your going through is probably the second most stressful life alternating event that a person can go through ~ the first being the death of a spouse.
In a lot of ways what your going through is like going through the death of a spouse, ~ and a dream(s), a passing of a part of your Life that you've invested a significant amount of time, effort, energy, and of yourself in. Google the Five Stages of Grief. You will go through each and everyone of them ~ an yes you will repeat them.
Its more like a ride on the space shuttle than it is a ride of a roller coaster. You go up, your lost in space? You go back down? Then you go back up again. It takes a long time to break the cycle?
Or it can stop the very second, the very minute you make your mind up with ~ "You know what? I'm done with this!"
And its you and you alone that will be the one that decides when your through suffering this mental and emotional anguish. Not her!
You are literally going through a chemical addiction withdrawal. The biOchemicals that cause us to fall "in love" and to "be in love" are very potent and powerful.
The receptors in the brain that they act upon are the same ones that cocaine, crack, and crystal meth act upon. Which is why sex is supposedly better when doing these drugs.
The brains scans of someone "in love" are identical as those as someone with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
By now, I'm hoping your starting to see a pattern ~ in that your going through withdrawal from this woman ~ and which is the reason that you need to go cold turkey, and have absolutely nothing to do with her and no contact with her.
Generally when women leave a man? They never come back. If you've any chance of getting back with her its absolutely essential that you go NC. That's your one and only chance.
And even if she came back? The amount of time, effort, energy and money you would spend getting this one back? Would net you ten others.
You've got 'one-itis' Somewhere along the line you've got it in your head that this "one" is the one and only! Pure BS!
Somewhere and somehow you got it into your head that you can't do any better, that there's not some little gal that has just as much to offer ~ if not more, just as good if not better?
And to drive my point home? I'm going to cite the leading authority on women?
OTHER WOMEN!
Women know that other women aren't about spit!
And are amazed that men just don't even have a clue.
Most men don't until they've had their hearts good and properly broken in?
Welcome to the club! Here! Have a beer, pull a chair up to the fire pit, make yourself comfortable!
And I understand what your going through! I really do! I don't think any man can really call themselves a man until they've gone through what your going through and come out the other side of it!
And that your task at hand! Acceptance! Acceptance of the reality that's been dealt you here!
And, don't tell me that you can't just go on without here? You did just fine without her before you meet here ~ and you'll do just fine without afterwards! Just as I have for the last nineteen years when I heard the slamming of the door for the first time!
People come and people go in your life ~ "ain't no one monkey? That makes a show!"
Graveyards all over the world are full of people we just can't do without!
But Life goes on ~ and so we must go on!
All this pain your feeling right now? You will see in time to come that it is nothing but weakness leaving the body!
I realize that Life has just thrown you into a hurt locker, and then thrown you into a "WORLD OF HURT" ~ but you will survive ~ just as I have survived.
This forum is full of those that have survived it.
One thing is for sure and certain! Your not going to get from one end of this life to the other without some cuts, bruises, broken bones, broken hearts, tears along the way!
For every tale of woe that I can tell you, there's someone else that can tell an even worse one.
Hell compared to Lakeside Dreams! I got off light!
Its always going to come down to ~ "Better than most ~ worse than some!" Regardless if your talking about money, health, your looks, ............whatever.
We're the sum of our life's experiences, and I'm just glad to still be walking around on the planet! Its all relative!
There's more than times I can count on both hands and feet ~ I should have been a "goner".
And that's where you start!
F**K It! I'm still alive!
At the end of the day?
There's only two things to worry about!
Whether your healthy or sick?
If your healthy? You've nothing to worry about!
If your sick? You've still only two things to worry about!
Whether your going to live or die?
If you live? You've nothing to worry about!
But if you die?
You've still only two things to worry about?
Whether your going to go to Heaven or Hell?
If you go to Heaven? You've nothing to worry about!
And if you go to Hell?
Hell it won't matter, because you'll be too busy saying "Hello" to all your friends it won't matter!
__________________
I may not be perfect! But, parts of me are pretty awesome, and I'm working on the rest!
can relate to you well, but had a different story then..anyway, you're young & free, why not turn your attention to something else? MOVE ON!
life is cruel at times, 5 years is long enough to have your relationship drops. time will the wounds. look, bro..a lot of married couples have gone through divorce but they remain friends. so, what's with yours. probably, she's not the one meant for you. i believe that you'll meet someone who'll stay with you no matter what.
Live, love, laugh..life is beautiful! There are things you never see, because you are trapped by your emotions. it's the time uplift your lost self and discover the things that can make you even much happier.
I am in the same process and in the same pain. More complicated with kids, and theirs is the biggest pain I feel, they are so young and dont understand. I think it is best to listen to the lord if you believe and realize he has a plan and this is part of it. I know I am not a saint but am not the ugly creature she is claiming she is leaving her 3 children with. She is lost maybe. You guys need a break and if its her idea you had best make sure you agree with her idea right now if there is any chance she will want to come back. We must use this time to take care of our weakness as we are being chiseled right now and need to know that something must change to go forward. Something isnt right with us yet maybe to get the respect and love we want in a relationship. On the other hand, she could be just selfish and not deserving of our affection, but either way there is a chance that this could be the best thing to hapen right now.
I can't sleep either and was looking for relief and it is helping me to try to help you. It is helping me try to understand what my higher power is telling me.
I want to say to everyone here -- if you cannot sleep, first try exercise, lots of it. Then try over the counter meds, try homeopathic. When those don't work, do what I did and swallow your pride, go to your doctor, and get yourself something to freaking sleep! Sleep is the most important thing you can do right now, as it lets your body and mind regenerate. After I started sleep meds, I noticed I started feeling less devastated and more "sad." I was able to start progressing...I'm actually going back to the doctor this morning, it has been one month. I'm going to see if he has something a little weaker now...I'm getting to the point that I don't need this medicine, and I'd like something a little "softer."
I know this sounds ridiculous, but time is the most important thing. We will all get better with time.
i am sorry you are hurting and i have been thru the exact same scenario as you- same amount of time together, animals together, a new job coming up, moving out, etc---i know the sleepless nights, not eating, etc. it sucks and it hurts..Mine was almost 2 years ago and i still think about it- if this is your first time, it will be a scar for a long time but trust me when i tell you- time heals all!! when someone told me that it didnt sound like good advice or anything i wanted to hear but its true--stay as busy as possible and under no circumstances do you contact her. And if you do, only email and keep it very light---no late night calls or emails pleading for her to come back--i did those things and when you look back 6 months from now, you will see how weak it was for you to do it---TRUST ME!! good luck with your new job and stay strong--talk to as many friends as you can
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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