Something you can tell your H next time he says this is better for you. Tell him you will except your part in the bad marriage & that you are working on that, but you will NOT except any of the divorce because that is not what you want & that is not what will make you happy........
I told my former wife that and she wasn't to happy, she wanted me to take the blame for the divorce & I wouldn't do it, I never wanted a divorce even though now I'm learning I wasn't happy in the marriage but I was welling to work on it.....
Thanks PW, I may have to do the divorce as the final process to this ending of a relationship, but it is not what I wanted, he's the one who left...not me. Good advice and thank you for that.
He called again tonight and said that he wanted to start as friends and talk in a couple of days....doesn't want to talk about who hurt who, just talk. Not sure what to expect, so I am bracing myself.
Thanks PW, I may have to do the divorce as the final process to this ending of a relationship, but it is not what I wanted, he's the one who left...not me. Good advice and thank you for that.
When my former W left I talked to a friend of mine who went thru a divorce & he is a very Christian man. His advice to me was this.
Never file for divorce, let the other person do it because it was there choice & you made a commitment until death do us part.
Then I talked to someone else how put it this way; when you got married it was until death do us part, but that doesn't mean your spouse has a say so & if he/she is the one that decides differently then he/she is the one that has to answer to God.....
They both shared with me, which I found interesting that even though the other person was the one that left after so long you have to move on & that might mean you are the one that has to file. It's not that you want the divorce but you can't have them just hold you in limbo forever & so you have to be the one in control. It sounds like to me that might be the position you are going to be put in maybe someday.
__________________ God's aim looks like He's missing the mark because we're too nearsighted to see what He is aiming at.
OK, WHAT A F'ING ASS!! ME, WHAT A STUPID SHIZ! I got conned, yes!! I did the stupid "booty call"....Feel, please read this because men who leave do not have any feelings.
I was all trying to move on....had this stupid epiphany that I was supposed to be grieving over some loss...thanks Divorce Care. Out of the blue, husband calls and says let's start over and take it slow...calls the next day and says he has to see me (drunk of course...could tell he was drunk when I talked to him the night before). Has to see me, wants to hug me.....etc.....f'ing alienating bastard!!!! Even wants me to come on weekend excursion with him, the son and the drinking buddy....tells me today that they would rather make it a "boy's" weekend...I probably shouldn’t let our son go since I really don't know his sexual orientation at this moment. ....GRRRRRRR! Then he proceeds to "break up" with me all over again....hate, hate, hate.
I turned down a perfectly good date to see this miserable bastard after him being gone a month...why? I hate myself for doing it...yes, it ended with him just wanting "booty call" and if anyone has had to have sex with a man that is trashed beyond recognition....well, I can tell you that you are about as sexy as a slug....but I am carrying the insurance and he told me if I didn't come see him, he would come to me. Told him tonight, cancelling insurance tomorrow.
To the love of my life that f'd me over: You worthless ass, tell me you love me...can't live without me...loving me is natural and pure...WTF?? Have another beer you stupid ****. Why am I hateful, because you are a liar and a coward and I lost respect for you as a man. For 15 years I made excuses for you, for 15 years I put up with you asinine behavior....I won't do it anymore. I would be much better off if you were dead....or vice versa. Maybe it would make you happy to see me open a vein and that is why you keep toying with my heart....guess what you materialistic ass, the life insurance policies don't pay out for that...you signed a prenup you dumb bastard...that meant you have to honor the vows that you never took seriously in the first place. I guess that is when reality hit...you couldn’t' let me go, you want me to be happy but you won't leave me alone. Your son told me how you yelled at him before I got home....nothing changes...you are miserable when you are sober and I heard the drunkenness in your voice tonight when I called you to tell you to get your own insurance and medical straightened out....change...it isn't possible with you. Filing SA with a clause to make it legal for me to screw every man who treats me better than you ever did....line 'em up....gonna be a lot of men....after all ...you have to go thru a lot to find the right one....grrr. I've been sitting home for 15 years waiting on you to realize what you have, someone else will certainly appreciate it.
I hate me right now.....what these feelings bring out in me, but he could die right now and I doubt I would shed a tear. I don't want to see him, don't want to talk to him...I want to pretend like he died...because in my heart he dies every day.
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I am so sorry, it is very hard.
When we are with someone for so long it doesn't matter how the other person treats us, we still want to do the right thing, we want to make them happy.
I would suggest you working on some boundaries of your own. I hope if you read what you wrote that you are understanding that this man is sick, he will not change especially with the drinking.
If he said; oh I want to work on this the first thing he would do is go to AA or celebrate recovery at a local church. Then he would start counseling or other things to better himself. Then once he is doing that then he would suggest that the two of you start counseling or marriage classes or something.
When they say; oh lets work on it & don't do anything more that is just an excuse.
As for the booty call that is natural to want to do that, you still have needs, you still have feelings & deep down you hope, maybe this is what we need to get back together.
One thing my counselor told me is "if" me & my former W would have got back together that we would have dated for a year before moving back in with each other, we would have no sex & there would have been a lot of work involved.
Don't put yourself down, you just did what comes natural to us & now you see how it can hurt so that might be what will help you build those boundaries.
Keep working, keep moving forward & each time you will get stronger.
I am so sorry, it is very hard.
When we are with someone for so long it doesn't matter how the other person treats us, we still want to do the right thing, we want to make them happy.
Don't put yourself down, you just did what comes natural to us & now you see how it can hurt so that might be what will help you build those boundaries.
Keep working, keep moving forward & each time you will get stronger.
PW, thank you so much for the kind words....I really needed to hear them right now....I need to find a way to just move on...I was doing so good until last week, until the emotional tug of wars hit. Like other's say on here, I need to go NC with him, but it's hard to do when dealing with raising a child too.
There is definitely something mentally wrong with him, I even told him that before he left yesterday....he really needs to see someone, but he has to do that for himself...I know that he never will though.
It's just so maddening...after he left yesterday, I just screamed at the top of my lungs....it was actually a freeing moment for me. I know that my nerves are at a snapping point right now...I know that I have got to work on that. I'm so angry with myself right now over so many things, I need to learn how to forgive myself first so I can move on to forgetting him. I just don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him though....I'm afraid if I ever did, it would open up my heart to him so he can hurt me again.
PW, thank you so much for the kind words....I really needed to hear them right now....I need to find a way to just move on...I was doing so good until last week, until the emotional tug of wars hit. Like other's say on here, I need to go NC with him, but it's hard to do when dealing with raising a child too.
There is definitely something mentally wrong with him, I even told him that before he left yesterday....he really needs to see someone, but he has to do that for himself...I know that he never will though.
It's just so maddening...after he left yesterday, I just screamed at the top of my lungs....it was actually a freeing moment for me. I know that my nerves are at a snapping point right now...I know that I have got to work on that. I'm so angry with myself right now over so many things, I need to learn how to forgive myself first so I can move on to forgetting him. I just don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him though....I'm afraid if I ever did, it would open up my heart to him so he can hurt me again.
Hi Trippi,
A fellow LSer E-mailed last night and mentioned I should look in on your thread so I logged back in. Seems like I just can't get away LOL.
I'm so sorry your having this happen too you. I know what it's like to want that connection back and find false hope in a gesture like your H's "booty call" After my W left the only time she was nice or receptive to anything I had to say was when she wanted something. Even now that the divorce is final, any contact she decides to make is only to twist the knife.
You need to keep NC with him, or at least LC due to your son. It's a lot like hes slamming your fingers in a door. Sure, hes opening it for you, but how many times will you reach in now that you know what the result will be? It's a lot harder then it sounds, believe me I have fallen victim to this many times. I think we all do. It's instinct and the fact that you have not disconnected yet. Your still in love with the good side of him.
I was there, when my wife left, I helped her load her car, when she got her apartment i bought her things. Why? because i still loved the her i lost and still wanted her to be happy, safe, and comfortable even if it wasn't with me. In the end, none of it was appreciated and didn't change anything, I am still the devil.
Don't beat yourself up over any of this, just know what it is and realize the next time he comes knocking what his true intentions are. Be strong Trippi, this is just a backslide, a minor setback. You've come a long way, keep moving and keep your fingers out of that door.
TOJAZ
__________________
Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -Dr.Sydney Friedman
Little contact is the only answer. When you do have contact avoid talking about anything about the relationship, only the stuff you need to discuss, like your son. Do it in a nice manner and say goodbye. No relationship talk. See him as a colleague for now. Be patient with yourself and him. Patience is the key. Rome wasn't built in a day.
Tojaz/Logik - thank you both for replying....backslides hurt....today was meloncholy... but I was good on the communication....kept it short and just to schedules, I even included a map so he could find the place to pick up our son.
I did get emotional again a couple of times today just feeling like I lost something....that's when the tears well up (I cried all the way to work this morning). I need to start hanging out with my girlfriends again...haven't done that in a couple of weeks, they threatend to drag me out of the house last night...I'm too ashamed to tell them what transpired over the weekend.
The thing is, I know our marriage wasn't perfect, I wasn't perfect, he wasn't perfect...we made each other miserable for the most part...there's so much bad baggage that I need to put it behind me...I just don't know why I feel so sad about it all, I do know why I feel angry though. I know that I have been so angry with the drinking antics for so long...I just wish I could pull that dark part of my life out of me so I can be the positive and strong person I used to be. It's amazing to realize that the person he misses in his life, the person I used to be, is the person I miss too.
Trippi So very sorry this happend to you and your feeling this way. I wish I had the answers to make you feel better. Sometimes just knowing Im not alone in the pain and backslideing and woundering how or why I can actually niss him helps. Its a long and painful journey ahead of us and that stinks.
The one thing that has helped me along the past couple of days is that when I open my eyes and look into myself I realize this was a posionous relationship and yes its going to hurt being alone without him, BUT it hurt really bad being alone and with him atleast now I can start to heal.
All things happen for a reason it might not seem like it now but I am certain somewhere in the near future there will be something or someone possitive that comes out of all this pain once the fog clears and we can see straight again.
Dont be angry with yourself, when we are emotionally vonerable our heart takes over and we want so badly to believe them and believe they couldnt possibly hurt us again. The fact of the matter is, once they have; and we let them back they will continue to hurt us not afraid of losing us because they dont believe we will ever leave for good. Thats where we need to be strong and not be the victims anymore.
My thoughts are with you stay strong,you are better than he can ever deserve (((HUGS)))
__________________
If I could see straight, I wouldn't like myself.
If tomorrow comes it's another day to finish what I left undone.
I fully realize that men and women's brains are hard wired differently, and that women worry and concern themselves about things that men never even think about ~ let alone give a hoot in a whirlwind about.
But, never, and I mean never~ever beat yourself up over anything you've ever said nor did.
Why? There are plenty of people waiting just outside your door with Louieville Sluggers to do the job for you ~ just to see the look on your face.
Your being way, way too hard on yourself. Cut yourself some slack. Your only human.
Love is very much an addicition ~ and its proablly harder going 'cold turkey' than it is quiting smoking, drinking or hard drugs, (there's actual scientific evidence that its harder coming out of a 'love' relationship than it is quiting a cocaine, 'crack' meth addicition.
Ref:
The Feb 2006 edition of National Geographic magazine and Time of the same time line.
A book titled "Brain Sex"
Your being way too hard on yourself!
__________________
I may not be perfect! But, parts of me are pretty awesome, and I'm working on the rest!
The one thing that has helped me along the past couple of days is that when I open my eyes and look into myself I realize this was a posionous relationship and yes its going to hurt being alone without him, BUT it hurt really bad being alone and with him atleast now I can start to heal.
My thoughts are with you stay strong,you are better than he can ever deserve (((HUGS)))
Hi Feel, thank you...hugs to you too. I think you summed up the majority of my hurt and anger in that one sentence above, it hurt being alone and with him. Problem is, I'm pretty sure that we did that to each other....he said he felt lonely because I always worked late and was on the computer going to school to finish college. I didn't participate in family outings and he was embarassed making excuses for me...yes, I did do those things...I am guilty as charged. Two of them couldn't be helped but the third I refuse to take responsibility for due to his obessive drinking. In the end, I was the one who was lonely so it shocked me to hear him tell me he was lonely. When I tried to get close to him over the past couple of years, it was usually met with "leave me alone, I'm trying to get my down-time, watch my football, I'm busy or I'm tired".
I think that I have gotten used to being lonely, I'm just not used to being alone. Before I met him 15 years ago, I was a very strong and independent person....I've just got to find her again and get off this emotional rollercoaster!
Your being way, way too hard on yourself. Cut yourself some slack. Your only human.
Love is very much an addicition ~ and its proablly harder going 'cold turkey' than it is quiting smoking, drinking or hard drugs, (there's actual scientific evidence that its harder coming out of a 'love' relationship than it is quiting a cocaine, 'crack' meth addicition.
Your being way too hard on yourself!
Hi Gunny, knew you had to be lurking somewhere.
Love addiction...yeah it's hard. I'm going to have to look up that book, hopefully it tells you how to get over the addiction or at least explains the addict.
I guess I am being so hard on myself because I have way too much time now to look back over the course of my life. I'm not sure if I'm angry over how much of it I have wasted on the wrong people or how much I have contributed to the demise. My first husband, it took me only 3 months to finally put him in my past after our final breakup...but it took finding out that he knocked up his OW to finally put an end to it when he asked me to take him back. He was running from her once he found out she was pregnant. His shock came when he found out that I knew about her and wouldn't take him back.
The thing is, I wasn't alone during that time, I had my daughter....lived with my parents...I really only spent 3 months in my own place before moving in with a guy I had been dating for almost 6 months. We spent a year together, but he had a terrible temper, he never physically hurt me, but it was a relief when we broke up after a year. I don't think I let my heart get all the way there with him.
I was then again, alone and I was miserable being alone (although I had my daughter). I did date one guy during that time that literally made me giddy with that emotion (love) and it scared me so much that I held back. He was a "bad boy" so it was probably a good thing.
I guess I was on my own for maybe a year before my current husband came along. It wasn't love at first on my part, I had been holding back my heart for years due to the heartbreak of the first marriage. But this new love in my life wouldn't let me go no matter how much I tried to pull away when I saw that side of him I didn't like. I don't know, maybe it was love/hate for 15 years to each other and to ourselves....both obsessed addicts...both addicts to love and him an addict to gambling and the drink.
I just contrast this to my parents who have both been married 3 times. They were married for 12 years, divorced and then married again within 2 years to the wrong people. Those marriages only lasted a short time. My mother finally married her other high school sweetheart (now 19 years), my dad married a woman who finally settled him down (17 years). I finally found myself blessed with 2 mothers and 2 fathers who I adore. I just wonder if I will ever get that lucky or if I have been jaded for the rest of my life...that scares me.
Don't look at this as a bad time, look at this as a time for personal growth. Sounds like your people picker might need some adjusting.
I have really enjoyed my classes I take thru the church, I have met some really neat people. Last night we were talking & I guess part of the reason is we all have our issues but the people that are at class are the ones that except they need work/help & are willing to do something about it.
Use this time to rebuild who you are, sounds like you have lived your life thru other people so now it's time to find out who you are, what you want & why you are attracted to the wrong type of people.
The best thing for you is to also get out there with your friends, get involved in something that you are around people.
Trippi, hope your having a better day.
They dont deserve the time we waste being hurt over them. Im just trying to stay possitive in this whole thing and with that **not possitive that he will comeback again this changed person** but possitive that eventually something better will happen to me, something I derserve instead of what I ended up with and became addicted to having because he is no price.
In thinking about him being no price Ive also realized I think he'll have a serious problem finding someone that is not addicted to him find him as even a consulation price His grass will be burnt and brown on the other side with no signs of green
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