It was interesting, I joined right around the greiving phase....almost thought I needed that...but I think that I am going to hit a wall at the end and go through greiving then. A half day of emails and a 2 hour conversation with the STBX affirmed that.
For a week that started out good, today was a really bad, long and hard day.
Another thing that I realized tonight, I need him to remind me what a callous bastard he is so I can to continue to be the bitch I know I am when dealing with inferior intellect. Empathy!! How f'ing hard is that...I'm having a bad day...I'm sorry honey, what can I do to make that better, I listen to you, I try to understand, give you advice and affirmation that you are better than that, encourage you to better yourself....him...find something else to do, I'm tired of listening to you.
What do I get from him today, sorry....I didn't put you and the kids first...I've learned from this relationship and will do better in my next one. Me? Interpretation - Thank you Ms. Robinson...same f'ing s*** my first ex did...this is a man who knows me enuf to hurt me to my core and gets his rocks off on it.
Sorry, ranting...don't even know why I care....don't want to...hitting rock bottom, but the only way is up from here. Maybe I need to stay away from Al-Anon and Divorce Care...it opens up wounds I'm not ready to heal yet...I don't know...I'm so f'ing confused right now. How can you love and hate someone so much in the same breath....what do I do to make men love me, then hate me enuf to leave and do better for themselves??? Why can love trangress to the next level?
I hate me, I hate my life, I hate what I had to become to sustain life and moving forward in it.
oh, we hung up on that 2 hour conversation on that not...hope you and the d*** are happy....God!! I'm awful...must have hit a sore spot...no pun intended......trying to find my sense of humor. Only thing that saves me from opening a vein.
Another thing that I realized tonight, I need him to remind me what a callous bastard he is so I can to continue to be the bitch I know I am when dealing with inferior intellect. Empathy!! How f'ing hard is that...I'm having a bad day...I'm sorry honey, what can I do to make that better, I listen to you, I try to understand, give you advice and affirmation that you are better than that, encourage you to better yourself....him...find something else to do, I'm tired of listening to you.
What do I get from him today, sorry....I didn't put you and the kids first...I've learned from this relationship and will do better in my next one. Me? Interpretation - Thank you Ms. Robinson...same f'ing s*** my first ex did...this is a man who knows me enuf to hurt me to my core and gets his rocks off on it.
Sorry, ranting...don't even know why I care....don't want to...hitting rock bottom, but the only way is up from here. Maybe I need to stay away from Al-Anon and Divorce Care...it opens up wounds I'm not ready to heal yet...I don't know...I'm so f'ing confused right now. How can you love and hate someone so much in the same breath....what do I do to make men love me, then hate me enuf to leave and do better for themselves??? Why can love trangress to the next level?
I hate me, I hate my life, I hate what I had to become to sustain life and moving forward in it.
The love and hate are for two different people. You love the man you married, the man you thought you had, but you hate what he has become. Loving the memories but hating the reality.
Don't hate yourself or anything else about yourself due to what another has done. All we can control are our own actions. If this is what he wants to be then your better off with out him, let brokeback gallolp of into the sunset. You'll be better for it.
TOJAZ
The love and hate are for two different people. You love the man you married, the man you thought you had, but you hate what he has become. Loving the memories but hating the reality.
Don't hate yourself or anything else about yourself due to what another has done. All we can control are our own actions. If this is what he wants to be then your better off with out him, let brokeback gallolp of into the sunset. You'll be better for it.
TOJAZ
You know, you are exactly right and that is where he is now...two different people....but I hadn't torn myself as a separate half of him yet...I need to get there and I am typically doing good until he gets to his place of self-realization. Today, he seemed sincere that his stress was his stress, he did it to get to me because later, he admitted that he is pissed over this being his stress and we (me and the kid...his son) caused it...sigh...what an ass...I eventually pulled the real man out...the one I know and not the one he is hiding behind...the one that any woman who does one thing wrong is going to find until he really finds himself.
I hate me, I hate my life, I hate what I had to become to sustain life and moving forward in it.
This is who you work on, this is who you care about & when you do that things will look so much better. Don't use energy on someone you have no control over, use it for you.
I understand you loving & hating him at the same time. I still have feelings for my former wife but I hate what she did because it was her own selfishness that she did it. Funny thing is, she used to say I was the selfish one......
__________________ God's aim looks like He's missing the mark because we're too nearsighted to see what He is aiming at.
This is who you work on, this is who you care about & when you do that things will look so much better. Don't use energy on someone you have no control over, use it for you.
I understand you loving & hating him at the same time. I still have feelings for my former wife but I hate what she did because it was her own selfishness that she did it. Funny thing is, she used to say I was the selfish one......
Oh God!! You just summed up 2 hours of conversation and my writhing on the floor on that comment.....( Thank you! (crying)
Trip I just read through all over your posts and Im so sorry your been going through all this. I cant believe how similar your stbx and my ex sound.
Dont hate yourself your sound like such a wonderful, intelligent, strong woman and mother. The only difference between the two stories is that I didnt have the house he did I didnt have the vehicles he did and he took care of all the finances. I took care of the children, groceries, daycare, most of the private school bill and health ins for myself and the children. So in that aspect I feel like he has a ton over me which is what he has always tried to do. He was the materialistic person in the relationship I wouldve been happy in a shed as long as I were with him and he treated me right.
We broke it off atleast 6 times in ten++ years and as soon as I start to move on he comes back and I think because of my addiction to him and obsession with trying to make it woek, and all the emotional abuse he has put me through my self respect is so shot that looking foward with two children no house and no vehicle, who the hell is going to want me. Ill probably be alone forever and if not who the hell wants to start over again after so many years. (there I just proved Im screwed in the head)
As for my son (almost 8) he is really hoping we are going back home soon and everytime he asks when I tell him I dont know, as for my daughter (2) she just keeps saying daddy coming with a questions on her face. All of which is very heart breaking..
As for you, you are an insperation. Kept up the good work and thanks for the posts...
__________________
If I could see straight, I wouldn't like myself.
If tomorrow comes it's another day to finish what I left undone.
God! There are days when I am doing good and then I have to talk to him and I fall right back into my depression and crying. The other day, my husband sends me an email telling me that he knows now that he didn't put me and the kids first, doesn't know why, but realizes that this is a problem and will do better in his next relationship. I don't want to hear that, have some f'ing respect for your ex-wife. So yes, I did the stupid thing and called him that night to give him hell about it....don't tell me what you are going to do better that you couldn't do with me....WTF??
I was hateful, and I don't like myself for it at all, but his comment depressed me so much and hurt like hell. I accused him of being gay....lol! Shouldn't have done that, but I want to know, if there is someone else, he just needs to be honest about it....I'm not going to sue him for adultery...costs too much and he doesn't have anything I want so it's stupid to keep hurting me by hiding the inevitable.
Then he calls me again today....he's sorry, but he let all the stress of our jobs, his family, our home, responsibilities get to him and it made us fight all the time....he was scared at one time to lose me, but he got over that now and knows that the only way he could make me happy was to leave. He just wants me to be happy and he wants to find his own happiness...he doesn't understand why I am hurt and angry....I don't even understand why I am hurt and angry....I guess I stupidly envisioned that when you marry someone, you grow old together, you are there for each other, you are each other's strength and weakness. Good times, bad times...aren't they supposed to the make the bond stronger? Obviously not....I was just hoping that one day during all the stress he was going through, he would wake up and realize what was important to him....I guess he did and I lost in that regard. He wanted me to know that he still loves me and always will. I know that I will always hurt from this relationship because he has broken my heart so many times, but broken it more since the marriage is now broken.
I know that I need to move on....find someone else, but it is so hard to recover from this pain, the pain of this relationship for the past 15 years. Why do I feel that I have lost something that important in my life when I was obviously not that important in his life? He said that we could still talk, but we agreed that we probably shouldn't talk about the relationship anymore....other than kids schedules, what is there to talk about? I don't want to talk to him about going out with other people, I don't want to talk to him about his relationships...I don't want to be his "friend" in that regard, his analyst...etc. I've lost something here....evidently he doesn't feel like he has lost anything. He says that I deserve better, and yes I do deserve better, but I should have gotten that from him as my husband.
This is why NC is better, every time we talk, it's like breaking up all over again and it doesn't help me to heal from this. His sincerity on our relationship being over and self-realization about the things we did wrong in it, and his inability to work on any of it as husband and wife are driving me insane...I'm angry, I'm hurt and those are things that I will have to learn to get over in time.
At the time screaming at him or calling always sounds like a good idea, but as you found out it seems to hurt us more in the end.
Just a suggestion, instead of calling write (not type) all those feelings & anger down on paper, really tell him what you think.....Then either burn the paper or tear it up into small pieces.....It has helped me.....I do lot better telling someone off on paper or even share my feelings so that is what I do......
Since he is telling you all this it does sound like he has someone already lined up. I understand the hurt the pain but you will make it & be such a better person because of it.
Trip I just read through all over your posts and Im so sorry your been going through all this. I cant believe how similar your stbx and my ex sound.
As for you, you are an insperation. Kept up the good work and thanks for the posts...
Thanks Feel, been a hard week...I guess this is what Divorce Care meant by needing to grieve the end of the relationship....I guess I could do it better if he would quit calling me or slipping it into emails about the kids schedules to remind me that this is best for both of us and that he left so I could be happy. It could have been much happier for both of us if he had turned out to be the MAN I thought he was, if the self-realizations that he is now having could have happened while we were together.
Still trying to figure out why he would even want to offer to help me around the house, transplanting trees and such but in the same breath say that ending our marriage will make me happy. And he seems so shocked that I am hurt and angry over it all. Time marches on...I have got to move on with my life.
At the time screaming at him or calling always sounds like a good idea, but as you found out it seems to hurt us more in the end.
Just a suggestion, instead of calling write (not type) all those feelings & anger down on paper, really tell him what you think.....Then either burn the paper or tear it up into small pieces.....It has helped me.....I do lot better telling someone off on paper or even share my feelings so that is what I do......
Since he is telling you all this it does sound like he has someone already lined up. I understand the hurt the pain but you will make it & be such a better person because of it.
Thanks PW....I'm working in my Divorce Care book and writing things down, I need to get better at just keeping a journal.
Something you can tell your H next time he says this is better for you. Tell him you will except your part in the bad marriage & that you are working on that, but you will NOT except any of the divorce because that is not what you want & that is not what will make you happy........
I told my former wife that and she wasn't to happy, she wanted me to take the blame for the divorce & I wouldn't do it, I never wanted a divorce even though now I'm learning I wasn't happy in the marriage but I was welling to work on it.....
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( Thank you! (crying)
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