[Auroracoladybug]

I am a thirty year old who has been with my husband since August of 1997. We met because my ex-boyfriend and him were shipmates in the Navy. I went to San Diego to see some friends (who I had met thru my ex too) and we had a one night stand that led to a long distance relationship and him moving to Colorado in 1999 when he got out of the Navy. We have had communication problems all along because of our differences in upbringings but have worked thru a lot. In late 1999 I had an "affair" that after exposing the play by play recently I have realized that I was raped. When I thought that my best friend had told him I had cheated on him I told him I did because of him threatening to move back to his home state (where he had said previously there was nothing there for him) and I said that I was "testing" to see if I really wanted to be with him. I guess that I came up with that excuse because it was easier than facing what really happened. Fast forward to 2003, my ex and I began talking again as friends and he came in to visit. My husband (then fiance) tried to explain to me what he considered cheating and that he did not want me to spend time alone with my ex because he did not trust him...I should have listened...the second day my ex was in town we (the three of us) went to the Ren Fair, I did do some very immature things and my husband felt like a third wheel and quit talking to me...long story short...I got mad at my husband and left with my ex to go to dinner and a movie after the movie we went to look at the stars and talk and he kissed me and he put his hands down my pants and me the same...I broke it off before it went farther because it had already gotten to far (I guess I just wanted him to still be attracted to me and love me). I revealed everything to my husband and we had our fights...he forgave me and 3 years later we got married and had a son a year after that...A friend of mine was losing her house so we agreed to let her family move in...my husband began confiding in her that he was not happy and that he never really forgave me and that he was "pressured" to marry me because it was the expected thing to do. He and I had some big fights and he let his anger get the best of him. He asked for space but I was heart broken and wanted to talk. He admitted to being attracted to my best friend (who by the way is getting a divorce) because "she was flirtatious but knew her boundaries" now he has moved out into a friends basement so he can help pay for the mortgage and bills in our house but he wants to hang out with others and see if there is a person that we communicate with better and while doing this he will try to figure out what he wants... more to come but gotta go...

[LisaUk]

Hi, your story is very involved, it's kind of difficult to make out what has happened so paraphrasing

You told your H before you married that you had an affair, when in actual fact you were raped.

You had a sexual encounter with your ex, who is your H best friend. You confessed to your H who forgave you and you married and had a child.

Your best friend moved into your home and your H has confided in her that he is unhappy because the two of you have always had difficulty communicating and he never really forgave you for the affair (the rape or the sexual encounter with the ex?)

He has moved out to a friends house to get some space, date other peole and think about what he wants.

So, he has left you and this is not what you want?
Let me know if I have this all striaght?

[Auroracoladybug]

The rape and affair were before we married.
The ex is a former shipmate of my husband (no not friends for a long time)

I know that it is really confusing...I am worried that he will not give us a chance...do I keep spending whatever time I can with him? Do I keep away and distance myself? Is telling him that I love him pushing him away?

[LisaUk]

He has moved out and said what exactly? I can't really give you any advice without more details. The best advice given on here if he has moved out and is saying he needs space is not to push, do the 180. Google Divorce Busting, details of the 180 and how to do it are on the website.

[Auroracoladybug]

Okay sorry new to all this
yes basically he confided with my best friend that he never really forgave me for the affair with the ex and then married me and had a son with me...he said that he buried his head in World of Warcraft to avoid it... sorry really emotional

yes he has moved out and it is not what I want... how do I show him that I am completely committed to him and faithful/trustworthy? I just want him to come home and I don't want to screw things up worse by being or not being patient or something...I want to know that we can work this out....how am I supposed to act?

[LisaUk]

Originally Posted by Auroracoladybug

Okay sorry new to all this
yes basically he confided with my best friend that he never really forgave me for the affair with the ex and then married me and had a son with me...he said that he buried his head in World of Warcraft to avoid it... sorry really emotional

yes he has moved out and it is not what I want... how do I show him that I am completely committed to him and faithful/trustworthy? I just want him to come home and I don't want to screw things up worse by being or not being patient or something...I want to know that we can work this out....how am I supposed to act?

Hi, we just cross posted, sorry. The best plan is to google Divorce Busting like I said, follow the 180 to the letter. Give him space, don't keep trying to convince him to trust you, work on the marriage, that you love him etc, it will push him further away. I know it goes against all you want to do, but it really is your best shot.

I cannot believe World of Warcraft has been mentioned, yet again, it's a recurring theme on here. I know you are really upset, but try to not think about what he said about marrying you, he's re-writing history there.

Keep posting.

[Auroracoladybug]

So as we got to the point of him moving out to a friends this is what he said he wanted to address...

Things I want to address:[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT]
1. the issues I had with the last meeting.[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]
[/SIZE][/FONT]2. The constant mood swings, not only from me but you also.[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]
[/SIZE][/FONT]3. you not willing to go or do anything with me unless I get someone else involved first. (for example the plans for this weekend, going to Walmart to get you a new wireless card, getting **** b-day gift)
4. Your constant complaining about me not cleaning, feeding pets, taking care of Cian, you are not looking at the fact that I am working on these things on a regular basis.
5. That you insist on having "family time" (only you, myself, and C***) which I feels you want to be able to corner me and chew me out again, or try to influence me.
6. the controlling issues.[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]
[/SIZE][/FONT]7. the feeling I'm getting guilt trips, for example explain to (insert name, ****, my mother) why you are leaving.[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]
[/SIZE][/FONT]8. I spend money on things I feel I need or something to enjoy as a family and then it becomes an argument again because you feel I spent money we didn't have or something we don't need.
9. your lack of concern about doing the normal household items (bills, communicating, household chores, etc).[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]
[/SIZE][/FONT]10. Bringing in other people to this argument. L***, C***, S***, J**, C***, Ken, my mother, my sister. I have not brought anyone into the arguments, I have simply explained why I am upset. They are the ones who give me advise without me asking for it. I have had to explain my side of things more than not. And I have left nothing out.
11. Jealousy of my spending time with C****. I have not given you reason to be jealous. I figured out what attracted me to her before. The fact that she would flirt and know boundaries and not cross them. I knew one person like that before. E***. But you don't see me running back up to Washington to do anything about that do you. I have built a life here. I have stable and ample income. I had a life I enjoyed before the house and marriage. Not that I am trying to run away from my responsibilities now.[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT]

He has said that he wants to hang out with others and see how we communicate with them, he wants to hang out with me but not alone because we might fight (he is afraid that we will fight like we did this last blow up and then it definitely wont work...). I have told him that he is paying for the house too and that he can come and go as he pleases but now I am rethinking that idea...He doesn't know if he will ever be able to trust me and thinks that because we have had to go to marriage counseling that it is somewhat proof that "we should be together" but then he says that he doesn't know what he wants... I think he is seriously rethinking wether he had any freedom in any of his decisions since he graduated college and his family "coerced" him to join the military...excuses I know for not knowing who you are or what you feel...the funny thing about WOW is that he said that he was burying his head right? yeasterday he bought SIMS3 to play...I know he has some growing up and I love the kid in him too but I am willing to help him with all of this because I love him...I need him too


oh and hanging out for him is dating (if it was romantic it would be courting)...he wrote:
I was saying to date other people too because if it is just each other dating then it would be no different than just going out and having dinner with each other. That does not let us move on as a person and heal

I wrote:
[FONT=Calibri]In my opinion dating each other can help us move on as a person and heal and maybe find Us. Dating other people while we are married is in a way having an affair.[/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri]
[COLOR=#000000]his response:[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000]Ok damn it this is what I was talking about. 2 different ideas of dating. If you say dating in a romantic sense then forget I even said anything. Forget this bull**** [/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000]I will look up as you advised...probably get on again later...[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000]Thanks Lisa[/COLOR][/FONT]

[Auroracoladybug]

sorry i didn't realize the font stuff would mess it up.