[tojaz]

Really not sure what I'm going to hear, but here is my story. While I realize that it is just my side, I will try to be as honest as I can and will check back often to answer any questions. I would appreciate as much Feedback as I can get, good or bad.

I have been with my wife for 12 years, but only married for two. About almost two months ago, she told me out of the blue that she wanted a divorce, no counseling, no other options, just wants out.

We have continued to talk, and among many complaints she has had for me was that I am emotionally abusive. This hurt me, because our whole time together, I have always tried my best to do what was right for her and she has never really complained. It has gotten me thinking though. I can isolate some situations, Things she has labeled as abuse. I don't want to be that guy, for her or if need be for somebody else. I guess my question is, can lapses in judgement or emotionally charged situations in my mind, be a pattern of abuse?

I have not been a perfect partner and have had my problems, I can admit that. I can be jealous at times. Early in our relationship I was extremely jealous and possessive. I had been in a string of bad relationships and suspicion tended to rule my mind until trust was built between us. This was an unhealthy part of our time together, but as my trust in her grew things became better and the suspicions faded. In those times, i would grill her if she was late without calling and often accused her of being unfaithful. This was almost nine years ago or so. Since then I can honestly not recall any time I have accused her of anything like that until right before the divorce. A couple of weeks prior she had asked me for permission to travel to the city for the day, with an ex-boyfriend of hers that she had recently become friends with again. I was also made clear that I was not invited. I had told her previous to that, that spending time with him made me uncomfortable and requested that she not see him. I had never requested she not see any of her friends before this guy. She has many male friends that she lunches with alone, and talks to on a regular basis, but this particular situation made me very uncomfortable. I did not accuse her of anything or even suspect, I was more concerned with his intentions. Later after the divorce request, and we tried to work on our problems, I must admit that i am guilty of checking up on her. I looked at her cell phone, checked her E-mail, etc. to find out that she had been in constant contact with this guy behind my back. I had never felt the need to check up on her before. Was this behavior abusive?

While I do not punch holes in the wall, or anything like that, there are instances that I reacted violently. Early in our relationship, I had shoved her pretty good a few times. I would say enough to be counted on one hand, but not sure of the number. She had never gone to the ground, but after the last time I sought out counseling so that I would not allow it to escalate further. I believe that i can honestly say that i have never laid a hand on her in anger since. I can remember throwing things or knocking thing over on four occasions. The first time was many years ago during a particularly heated argument I knocked over a dresser. The next occasion was right before the divorce in the situation with her ex, upon leaving for work I kicked my car very hard damaging it. She was not present for that. During a discussion about the divorce, when I realized she was reading a book while talking to me, I took the book ant threw it out in the yard. Lastly when I had discovered she had been sneaking behind my back, I shattered a glass cutting board when she couldn't decide between the other guy and me. While these are definitely not healthy behavior, given the circumstances, would this be considered abuse?

Criticizing, is one I know I'm guilty of. There are certain subjects that i can recognize that I criticized her unfairly on. Mostly, the way she drives and some things around the house. Pet peeves of mine that really didn't mean anything yet I would comment on anyways. There had been times when this was going on, that I would stop and ask myself why it mattered, and it didn't. It wasn't an intentional thing, there was nothing to gain from it. it would always start as a suggestion or just sharing my opinion, but things would quickly escalate into a pointless stupid argument about something that was meaningless. I had been making every attempt to curb this behavior or avoid the subjects all together,on my own but I would still slip and felt terrible about it. I would tease her about her work sometimes. She works from home with computers, while i work a more physically taxing job. When she would complain of a hard day at "work," I would often compare hers to mine in a negative way. I realize that there are different types of work stresses, it was kind of hard to hear about her troubles when I was dead on my feet. This doesn't make it right.

These I believe are the major issues we have had. While I am sure there are more, and please feel free to ask ??? There are definitely unhealthy behaviors here, I will not deny that. Is this enough to constitute an abusive marriage worthy of divorce? I look forward to your feedback.