Alright, well for some background, I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 months. We get along really well, are very attracted to each other, have great chemistry (general and sexual) and genuinely enjoy being around each other. It's a really nice well-rounded relationship. I see him about twice a week and usually spend the night.
When I first met him, I had just broken up with a guy I had been dating. And I shared a lot of what was going on with him. Basically, I broke up with this guy (ex boyfriend) because 6 weeks into the relationship he had become extremely clingy and involved, and told me he "loved" me and it just totally freaked me out (at the time I had gotten out of a long term relationship/engagement and just wasn't ready). I really didn't have the same feelings for him and to be honest didn't see myself developing those feelings any time soon. We had fun together and had great sex but that was about all I saw coming from it because we were extremely different. So anyways, I broke it off and when I met my current boyfriend, I told him about it and the reason why I ended it. He understood, agreed that a few weeks was way too soon for the "L" word. Shortly after we started dating.
So, it's been a little over 4 months, and I really like him. I actually see things going somewhere with him. Thing is, the "L" word hasn't been mentioned yet, not even a casual, "Love you", or anything. And I am young (21) so I have only been in a few relationships, but in all of them the "love" factor had come into play by four months in, if not sooner. He tells me (and shows me) how much he cares about me and how important I am to him, and we are in a committed and exclusive relationship.
Now I'm just wondering if he's afraid to say it since he knows it was a big reason why I ended my last relationship (he doesn't want to freak me out). I haven't said it or even mentioned it, because the idea of me saying it and then him telling me he doesn't feel the same way, makes me feel embarrassed, sad, and foolish. I don't like being in such a vulnerable position so I had decided to just wait until he says it. However I am not so sure anymore.
And listen, I know 4 months isn't that long, so of course I'm not freaking out. I'm just starting to think about it, and feel like I really do love him, and have been close to telling him so. I just keep reminding myself that that is not a good idea. Am I right, or should I just say it?
Why worry about something you you both don't feel yet ?
Give it some time.. Love has to form and 3-4 months is a bit early to be saying those words.. but it is coming around though..
If you love him.. then tell him... but don't say it unless you mean it..
I do feel like I love him. In fact there have been countless times where it has almost accidentally "popped out" in conversation, or when I'm leaving his place or saying goodbye on the phone.
I guess why I said "really like" at that stage of the post was because I hadn't shared the whole story yet. Sorry for the confusion. ;]
Very good point. No, I haven't. But then again, I he rarely sees/talks to his family and a lot of guys just don't say that stuff to their friends.
I do, however, know that he said it to his ex girlfriend, who he was with for only 6 months. Just because of some stories he's told me, where he included dialogue, and they frequently exchanged "i love yous". Not sure when in the relationship it came into play, I just know that it did.
OP, I'm with A_C....if you're feeling it and noting it starting to "slip out", just let it. Telling someone you love them is a great gift. Think of it that way, as a gift you give to him without expectation
I'm in the same boat as you, girl...except I've been with my guy for 9 months (we're in our 30's, BTW), and we haven't exchanged the "L" word yet either...believe me, I'm a little worried! I feel the same way you do, about what if I say it first and he doesn't reciprocate the way I'm hoping...I'd feel $h!tty! And I sometimes feel I'll never hear it from him. I know he genuinely cares about me by some of the things he says/does, but hearing those 3 words (and him actually mean it) would make me melt! I've come really close to saying it to him, and I would so mean it if I did...I've never loved somebody so much like I do him!
I wrote him a letter a couple months ago confessing that I've fallen in love with him and how much he means to me, but nothing was really said about it. I did ask him about it just one time, about a week later, if he was okay with what was said in the letter, and his response was, "I'm fine...I wouldn't be here if I wasn't okay with it." So, I dunno...my insecurities tell me he didn't read it! I try to remind myself that he's had bad luck with relationships and maybe he's a little overprotected of his heart/feelings. I'm usually a patient person, but I'm starting to get impatient, and it might slip out soon!
I'm in the same boat as you, girl...except I've been with my guy for 9 months (we're in our 30's, BTW), and we haven't exchanged the "L" word yet either...believe me, I'm a little worried! I feel the same way you do, about what if I say it first and he doesn't reciprocate the way I'm hoping...I'd feel $h!tty! And I sometimes feel I'll never hear it from him. I know he genuinely cares about me by some of the things he says/does, but hearing those 3 words (and him actually mean it) would make me melt! I've come really close to saying it to him, and I would so mean it if I did...I've never loved somebody so much like I do him!
I wrote him a letter a couple months ago confessing that I've fallen in love with him and how much he means to me, but nothing was really said about it. I did ask him about it just one time, about a week later, if he was okay with what was said in the letter, and his response was, "I'm fine...I wouldn't be here if I wasn't okay with it." So, I dunno...my insecurities tell me he didn't read it! I try to remind myself that he's had bad luck with relationships and maybe he's a little overprotected of his heart/feelings. I'm usually a patient person, but I'm starting to get impatient, and it might slip out soon!
i cant imagine 9 months into dating and no L word? and he didnt really aknowledge your letter, except to say im fine with it? maybe he just doesnt feel the way you do.
ive been with my bf for 9 months as well and the L word came up 4 months into dating. cant imagine not being able to say it to him now without it being reciprocated.
i think that bad luck in relationships thing is a bit of an excuse, we've both have had our share of bad luck when it comes to matters of the heart but if you feel a certain way about someone you want to shout it from the rooftops, not retreat. atleast thats been my experience with it.
9 months is definitely long enough to know whether you love that person or not to want to verbally express it.
Last edited by trubella; 21st September 2008 at 7:14 PM..
Reason: spelling
i cant imagine 9 months into dating and no L word? and he didnt really aknowledge your letter, except to say im fine with it? maybe he just doesnt feel the way you do.
ive been with my bf for 9 months as well and the L word came up 4 months into dating. cant imagine not being able to say it to him now without it being reciprocated.
i think that bad luck in relationships thing is a bit of an excuse, we've both have had our share of bad luck when it comes to matters of the heart but if you feel a certain way about someone you want to shout it from the rooftops, not retreat. atleast thats been my experience with it.
9 months is definitely long enough to know whether you love that person or not to want to verbally express it.
I know, trubella...I hate thinking that he might not feel the way I do, and sometimes I do think that. After reading up on some stuff, I'm really wondering if he's a commitment phobe or something...I dunno.
Now I'm just wondering if he's afraid to say it since he knows it was a big reason why I ended my last relationship (he doesn't want to freak me out).
Likely his knowledge of your prior experience is part of it, yes. Plus that it has only been 4 months, as you say.
If you are feeling loving and loved (respected, appreciated, accepted, admired) then that is really what it's about, isn't it? The word itself does not create those feelings...whenever it comes, it'll kind of just confirm what you already know and feel. Icing on the cake, so to speak, and not the cake itself.
The thing that we (women) ought to keep in mind, is that men are in an equally vulnerable position when they go to say 'I love you', and they share the same fears of rejection and disappointment as we do.
Perhaps you can do your part to 'open a window' by simply expressing your gratitude about how he has helped you to become open to giving and receiving romantic love again, and how happy you are with him? -- No pressure just, "Thanks, this is so great!"-type of sentiments that will be self-nurturing and create the space for more and deeper.
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I feel the same way you do, about what if I say it first and he doesn't reciprocate the way I'm hoping...I'd feel $h!tty! 
And I sometimes feel I'll never hear it from him. I know he genuinely cares about me by some of the things he says/does, but hearing those 3 words (and him actually mean it) would make me melt! 
I've come really close to saying it to him, and I would so mean it if I did...I've never loved somebody so much like I do him! 
I try to remind myself that he's had bad luck with relationships and maybe he's a little overprotected of his heart/feelings. I'm usually a patient person, but I'm starting to get impatient, and it might slip out soon! 
Hybrid Mode
