Hey all
This might be a bit long to read but please, if you have 5 minutes just take a look
I spent the first 18 years of my life longing for that feminine touch, hoping to get a girlfriend that I could LOVE and make happy. To be there for her when she cried, buy her flowers to make her smile. I was really into all that lovey dovey stuff.
A bit after I turned 18, I met this girl online and we met and really hit it off. We've been together for a year and a half and for the first...6 months everything was perfect. After 6 months though, I started flirting with some girls, but I have never cheated on her and never would. 2 Girls have asked me out but I have turned them both down. I thought I knew what I want. I think I love her, when I'm with her everything is great. But when we're out together, I often find myself checking out other girls and wondering how it is being single again. I do flirt a little bit with girls, but never has it gone beyond that.
I don't want to hurt her. 2 months ago, we went on " a break" because I felt really pressured about everything. During that week I knew that we were gona get back together but it hurt so much listening to her cry on the phone. And I guess I wasn't in as bad shape as her because I knew that I wanted to get back together with her and that it was in my hands.
I think I wana be with her, but I also really wana be single. I feel really confused. Sometimes, and I'm ashamed to say this, I picture other girls when we're making love. I'm still only 20 and I feel like this is my chance to really experience life. But I also wana love. I don't know what to do.
Any help will be appreciated. I know it's hard to help someone who doesn't know what they want, but any insight would be very helpful. Thank you.
it's hard to say..you may leave her and feel much much better with some one else in the future OR you leave her and you'll be crying yourself to sleep a month after becourse you find out you actually love her and now she is with someone else..
First all...it is completely NORMAL to check other people out, even if you're in a relationship. As long as that is as far as it goes.
I think you are putting way too much pressure on yourself, considering your age.
I did not read anything in your post that mentioned your g/f's feelings. You are not the only one who counts in this relationship. Did you consider that maybe your g/f
might not be happy either? Or that she may be thinking of other guys when she is with you? You did not mention that this was not a GOOD relationship...but just that you think of other women during sex with her..and check other women out.
This is NOT a reason to break up a otherwise good relationship. Sex is important
but by no means everything.
You are young....and you may simply not be ready to settle down. This is very normal. Maybe it IS best for you to explore what'sout there...but just be prepared
to see that every relationship has it's issues...regardless of how great the sex is.
Just do the honorable thing and break uo with your g/f BEFORE you do this.
She deserves that much.
I really think she is happy. Anytime I even come close to things maybe not working out between us she becomes teary-eyed, and that just kills me. I don't wana break up with her and then regret it for the rest of my life. I think if I see her with someone else, it'll hurt so much.
But I also really miss being able to flirt, seeing other girls and just exploring what's out there. I've come to a point where I really have no clue what I want. I know the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but what if it is? How do I find out? I know the obvious answer is to just be single but is that a risk that's worth it? Do I stay with her for a couple of more months and maybe things will get better?
It's come to the point where I have trouble enjoying sex. And I don't want it to be like that. I feel horrible about this. She doesn't deserve this.
It's all Valid; If you're really having soo many doubts on being with her - Maybe you do -need- to get out there and explore your options. Just don't leave her hanging if it's what you decide in the end.
Just.. be ready to lose her for good if you're planning on doing this. Don't go into this expecting to date around and then have her there when you're done and know/think she's the one for you.
It's come to the point where I have trouble enjoying sex. And I don't want it to be like that. I feel horrible about this. She doesn't deserve this.
For you, it's about focusing on what you DO deserve, not on what someone else does not. It is difficult not to allow one's self to be manipulated by someone else's tears, disappointment, etc., but we have to do our best to live according to our own life's plan and purpose.
Self-worth is believing that YOU are worthy of having your own needs and wants fulfilled; accepting that you are not required to sacrifice your personal growth, happiness and success just because what you want is in conflict with what another person wants/hopes/expects from you.
Self-responsibility is having the courage and ability to take care of your own needs and desires. Sometimes that means leaving behind whatever is not supporting your own needs fulfillment, growth and happiness. (Could be a person, job/career, study program, etc., that you'll need to leave in the past...so that you can take steps to build the future that you want for yourself.)
You can be assertive, and take a stand for, and make wise decisions about, your own Life...OR you can wimp out and become a victim of someone else's manipulations, tears and wants, and let her/him dictate your life for you. It is a choice. And it's a matter of being aware and conscious of what you're choosing for yourself.
PS: I would say that you're "brain-storming" and "contemplating" your future, not "bitching" about your present .
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All I can say is, The grass isn't always greener on the other side.
If what you have is perfect when you're together, Why bother looking what you might not find elsewhere? People always want what they can't have.
All due respect, but I totally disagree with this. I don't think this is an issue of "grass is greener". I think it's that you are still pretty young and you have not experienced life. I definitely respect that you have not cheated and that you acknowledge this girl's great qualities.
Still, I am a firm believer that at 20 you don't know yourself all that well yet, and you have to do a lot more living before you'll know what it is you TRULY want.
I think, with the feelings you're having, that you should end this relationship for the time being. It will probably be very difficult, but I think in the long run you will realize that while this girl is great and you may love her, you are not yet ready to settle down. You still have some life left to live before making a permanent commitment.
Joe,
It is perfectly normal for your wants, needs, preferences, likes, dislikes and goals to change at different stages of your life.
What is important, is to be aware of when the changes happen, and get to know what your new wants and needs are. Part of being a well-functioning adult is the ability to be flexible and to adapt to these inevitable changes.
Your mind, heart and spirit are ready to expand your experiences so that you can learn new life lessons, skills and coping strategies. Your age is the right time to start doing that.
Yes, your first break-up will be tough on both of you but you (both) will survive...just like everyone else does. And you will have many, many more opportunities to love and be loved.
When in doubt, listen to your Heart -- it's that tiny little voice that whispers or screams until you pay attention...it won't be ignored. And then find the courage to follow what it is urging you to do.
With life expectancy approaching 80, do you really want to make a life-long commitment at age 20? You would have to be a lot surer than you are.
It's hard to hurt someone you care about, and obviously your need to see what else life can hold in store for you hurts your girlfriend. But you can't go against your instincts. What you are doing is called acting your age. You've had a positive relationship and liked the experience, but you think there's more. You're right, there is.
You're not ready for a commitment, nor should you be at 20. Go have fun, but treat your current girlfriend with kindness and respect. Not only do you not want to break her heart, but you may want to go back to her someday.
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Honestly, no amount of coercing from people on LS is going to get you to stay with her, because you've practically made up your mind. Seriously, I think you're selfish if you think you can date other people and get back with your ex later. You can't expect her to wait a year for you while you go out and have random sex. If you break up with her, I think you did her a favor. She would see you as the person that you are: selfish. But don't stay in the relationship just because you're afraid to see her cry, she'll get over it eventually. You have issues, and you shouldn't get her mixed up in it.
I don't think this has to do with age or whether the grass is greener here or there. He thinks he loves her, but dreams of other girls. He has the Casanova profile. , which is not really his fault. This romantic euphoria, flirting, checking out girls, cheating in his mind, not wanting to hurt her - are totally symptoms of a young Casanova. If I am right, then he will always seek variety and never be pleased with just one woman. He basically needs more than one woman. The question for him is not whether he wants her or not - he definitely wants her, since he said he knew they'd get back together - but how to have her AND all other girls. Please don't forget that he is interested in GIRLS (plural).
Now he doesn't know what's going on and he feels bad about how he is feeling knowing that he will eventually hurt his girlfriend. But gradually, this boy will not be able to resist his instincts and he will start looking for ways to indulge himself. In order to do so, he will have to resort to lies in this monogamist society or he will have to be the eternal bachelor.
He is really a victim of his own psychological structure. Nonetheless, some day women will call him a jerk, a cheater, and a liar. Poor thing.
__________________ If one can let go, one can move forward - Jerbear
Last edited by RecordProducer; 25th August 2008 at 9:26 AM..
I understand why you want to see what is out there but you seem to have found a good woman which is not a common thing to find. Take it from older men out there that most women will pale in comparison to her. Hang around with a few older men who have been through it with women and see if you still want to give up a good thing.
It really is complicated when it comes to affairs of the heart... and found myself in the same situation. Its hard to have the best of both worlds and not many people are really "interested" in an open relationship. I want to be single / livin young too but at the same time I want to be loved.
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Hey Ronny, I haven't been home in a while, which is the reason I haven't posted earlier.
I never wondered what it might be like to be in relationship because I knew, I guess, that I'd have the rest of my life for that (to figure/find that out.)
Yeah, I know what you mean. Thing is, I feel the same way. But there's also the fact that I feel that I KNOW I have the rest of my life to experience what it's like to be in a relationship, but I'm not sure if the girl I love will still be there. Girls like her don't come around very often.
For example, the other day I was on the bus and I was daydreaming. I was thinking of all the good times my ex and I spent together. I was picturing her smile, her laugh, the way she walks, talks, etc etc. I just missed her so much...
And then 3 girls got on the bus, they were pretty cute. And all I could think of was what it'd be like to date one of them, kiss one of them, hang out with one of them, maybe even sleep with one of them.
Anyways, I'd also like to take this opportunity to wish you a very happy holidays. Stay safe and enjoy Ronni!
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, which is not really his fault. This romantic euphoria, flirting, checking out girls, cheating in his mind, not wanting to hurt her - are totally symptoms of a young Casanova. If I am right, then he will always seek variety and never be pleased with just one woman. He basically needs more than one woman. The question for him is not whether he wants her or not - he definitely wants her, since he said he knew they'd get back together - but how to have her AND all other girls. Please don't forget that he is interested in GIRLS (plural).
Hybrid Mode
