[alpha70]

Wow. You really shouldn't have sent that. It was rather pathetic, sorry, but it was. He's not gonna look on that and, say, yeah, let's go on that trip together. Sorry....gotta move on...no friends..doesn't work...not for you, at least not now.

[Butterfly01]

I woke up this morning and realized that I can’t be your friend. I still love you too much.

I’ve been putting on a brave face for the last month listening to you talk about “her” and it has been eating me up inside. I can’t do it anymore. I’m sorry.

After all we’ve been though in the last 6 years you decided that we were better as best friends, and I was so pathetic and desperate to keep you in my life, that I agreed.

I know I should have gone NC but I was afraid it wouldn’t bother you – that it would give you the out you were looking for, so I continued on emailing you good night every day like we used to, being funny, being a friend. But I it backfired on me, didn’t it? You have gone NC on me instead – you have completely cut me out of your life. Oh sure I get the odd “have a nice day” and “hope you are well” text and email, but they are so generic and lacking in any kind of emotion that I would rather not even get them.

How could you do this to me? After everything we have been though, how could you just move on and leave me behind without a second thought? Did the last 6 years mean nothing to you? We would talk for hours every night and now in a heartbeat, you don’t have 5 minutes to call “a friend”?

I can’t do this anymore, it hurts too much. I can’t degrade myself into believing I am still a part of your life or will ever be again. You have moved on and I wish I could hate you, but I can’t do that either.

I need to think about how to say goodbye to you -- to the person who I thought was my soul mate – to the person who I still think about every waking moment. I can’t go on thinking about you with her, about what you are doing, about you holding her and making love to her, about you planning your future together.

I miss you. I miss us. I miss my best friend.

I love you and I always will.

[zabeczka]

Hi Miszu!!!!!!

Ive been thinking a lot since we last met!
You told me you still love me and called me baby, but to come back to me u have to think about it?
Why is that? Didnt you say a week ago you promise to marry me? If ever you leave me ill run after you? Ect.
I thought you really loved me? I thought u wanted to spend the rest of your life with me!
To many question in my hand!
Now you r not giving any signs!
And im fedup!
My heart is still with you for now until i move on but waiting for you is killing me!
I told you what i wanted to do to change things ect.
Now you leave me on a question mark?
Nahhhhhhh!
That's it!
You will realize it soon or later and ill move on!
Later!

[loveinlife]

we are done!

[Grace112]

Here's the letter saying what I wish I could say to my ex-fiancee:

I wish you could see me for who I am instead of who you've made me out to be. I love you honestly, purely, and completely with all of my heart. If there is anything that I can do, or anything that I can say to allow you to see me - I would. I want to be there to support you, take care of you, and make you laugh. I don't know how I am supposed to move on because I don't know how to picture my life without you. I wish you would talk to me. If you talked to me, you would see that those things you believe just aren't true. I'm so sorry for any pain I've caused you and am willing to do whatever it takes to fix it. All I want to do is fix what's wrong. I'm sitting here with my heart wide open and aching for you. Please don't shut me out. I love you.

[wwjd]

Hey,

I was thinking about you tonight, just like I always do every night. For reasons I prefer to keep to myself, I was feeling really depressed tonight, and I kept thinking about you. I kept thinking about how much I missed you and how, perhaps, I should just take a deep breath and go look for you. I kept thinking that I should apologize for creating a mix-up, for not being more assertive, for not being more direct--for writing things that seemed incriminating, even though goodness knows I never meant anything by them. Never. And I started to hate myself again.

Upon learning some things which I also prefer to keep to myself, I became even more depressed. I cried. I cried at the fantasies I created in my head and at the reality that is my life. I started to get extremely overwhelmed, but, thankfully, I was able to talk to my dear friend.

And that made all of the difference.

I realized that I am ridiculous, but not for the reasons you might point to and laugh at when with your buddies, no. I am ridiculous because for the past three years I have treated you as though you are God' greatest gift to this world. I tried to bend myself into a pretzel for the sole reason of pleasing you. Whatever you wanted, I did. It even got to the point where you'd tell me to jump, and I'd ask "how high?"

And I tried to be good. I know I have my flaws. I know I keep to myself a bit too much; I know I have a tendency to not talk until took late; I know I have mood swings that are beyond bizarre and truly annoying; I know, believe me, I know.

When you called me on it, I would always try to change these bad ways, along with any others--you know I did. And, after about a year, I became so lost within you that I had no sense of self. Everything became about you--about hoping you were not angry, upset, or displeased. Everything.

But then, after a month or two of me lavishing you at the expense of my own self-respect, what would you do? You would find something--anything--from something bad to something completely insignificant, to break it off and head for the hills.

The hills: the place where you run to pretend nothing is wrong, to frolic and bask yourself in everything mundane, and the place where the only care you have is your own self. I know the people there, up in your little hill--they think you are the funniest, sweetest, most charming guy. They would never believe how many horrifying names you called me in your last email. They would never believe you have pushed me. They would never believe you get so infuriated that you say you want to kill me. No, of course not. They would say I was a psychopath who was only making things up. Of course. They are your friends, after all; the ones who only know you on the surface.

The more I talked to my friend, the more I realized how stupid I am for always waiting for your return. You come and go like the wind--just as you please. You leave for whatever reason you deem relevant and come back some time later, when you feel like it. Why? You say that you do so because you love me, but after all of the things you say and do to me, how can I believe that you do?

Tonight I think you don't. You just use me as your recharger for whenever you need a boost. And tonight I think that the only reason you come back is because you are lonely, and probably wanting to unload. So, why not find someone else? Because you love me, you say? Well, I am more inclined to believe you come to back to me because it is a lot easier to work old ground rather than to explore one that is new.

Right now you are probably out there, somewhere, having fun with your buddies and with those girls you always deny. I just hope that that fun never goes away so that you don't have to come back again, even though, according to you, you never will because I was "going to cheat on you."

Right. Believe what you want. I know I wasn't and that I would never, but words of sincerity are wasted on someone who's only interest is himself.

I can't believe that for so long I defended you, saying that you really did love me, and that you just had a "temper." Ha. It's not wonder my friend's lost faith in me: they could clearly see what I was do desperately trying to deny.

I am so sorry. I am so sorry for not realizing the truth sooner, and for making your life difficult by being a part of it.

But more than anything, I am sorry I let you hurt me so much when I didn't deserve it.

(Name.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sigh.

[Precious K]

Hey X
I think about you more and more each day. I just wanted to txt you "do you still care?" All these questions I have that have been left unanswered. I love you with all that I have. Deep in my heart I still want you back!

[niceguy27]

well its been just over two months now and i still see you in almost evry moment of the day. when the wind blows off the water i remember the keys. when its dark and rainy i remeember the nights by the firelight. when i roll over at night i remember reaching for you .
do you remember? do you remember how for the first time in eithr of our lives we were able to love without changing who we were? to be able to be loved for who you were as a person?

do you think back and realize what you had? i dont think so. your still running from it. running from love. from me. yu cant fool anyone. all your friends and family see it. you are running from the best thing that has came into your life. for what? your independence? your freedom?

well sorry to tell you this...but im gone. starting over fresh. a new life is waiting for me and maybe, just maybe someday you will find me again. until then know that i never stopped loving you. you were and always will be my little care bear.

[angie16]

I want to come home. I want you so badly to call me and just say, i love you, come home.
we spoke on sunday and it was so nice. i miss you, i miss us, i miss everything we had.
I know you are grieving your father fully now, and i know you feel its best you are alone for this process. But deep down inside of me, i can't even explain how or why, i know we should be together during this time. 2 months apart and its all so clear to me, why it all broke down. But even more i know how we can fix things -- with our love. Please give us another chance, please know that my place is beside you.
I am writing because i don't want another day to go by. I know there's a very good chance you will never respond to this and i promise to honor that and not contact you again.

[Michelle74]

So I decided to post it here, I know it is very long, but intresting...So ladies and gentlemen when you are feeling like you have gone crazy always remember there is someone out ther crazier than you....(somewhat censored version) ENJOY...


Dear Josh’s ex-wife:
I want to start out by saying thank you for being a bi-polar fruitcake and flipping out the way that you did a year and some months ago. Because of your actions I met Josh. I must say that he is one of the sweetest, caring, considerate, humorous, free spirited, people that I have met in my lifetime. I am lucky to have such a wonderful person to share my life with.
I have heard numerous stories about you and you make me look beyond normal in comparison to you. I find it sad that you have been hospitalized in a mental facility 8 times the past 5 years. If I were you I would take this as a sign that there is something really wrong with you mentally. But I do give you credit for checking yourself into the mental hospital right before the final court date. But the best part is when you checked yourself out of the mental hospital the day you were to appear in court. This is something that even I could not have thought of, very crafty on your part. But, my favorite excuse that you used in July was the cream of the crop! You claimed that your car broke down two towns away and that the sheriffs department would contact the courthouse stating that you were going to be late. Well, two hours later the judge got tired of waiting for you and ruled in Josh’s favor on all the things that he asked for. While you may not feel that the ruling was fair, I assure you after your silly ass dragged the divorce out for 10 months the ruling was more than fair. I just hope that you are smart enough to heed to the divorce decree. You may not use his social security number to obtain credit. This includes Alltel phone service. By the way did you not think he would not find out that you went to the Alltel store 3 times trying to obtain a cell phone package in his name? Silly woman, that is what credit reports are for… Now, granted he may have never checked his credit report but I pushed the issue with him because I had a feeling that you would do something like that. You did not disappoint me on that matter, for that I give you a round of applause. I would also like to point out that your old married last name was granted to you and you are no longer to use Josh’s last name. This is part of the divorce decree, and I was kind enough to send you a highlighted copy of the particular section pertaining to this. Remember reading is fundamental…

As for the restraining order, why did you have to violate the TPO that Josh took out against you 5 times? Did you not comprehend exactly what the TPO covered or are you just dumb enough to think that Josh was going to let each time slide? I will give you a heads up that he filed a complaint each and every time you violated the TPO and it is on record. As for the last time you violated the TPO, the neighbor gave us the heads up that you were coming over that Monday to give her son a lawn mower so he could cut Josh’s grass. Everyone is still trying to figure out why you were going to pay someone to cut Josh’s grass. You are not welcome at the residence and the house was granted to Josh is the divorce decree. Why would you feel compelled to cut Josh’s grass? That is just weird, and makes no sense to a person who is not bi-polar. Back to the Monday you violated the restraining order. I was the one who took the pictures of you near the residence. Because I took the pictures, which were dated and time stamped which made it easier for the judge to issue a warrant for your arrest for violating the TPO. The great thing about the pictures is that I even got a few with your face in them. Why did you park at Grace’s house if you were dropping off a lawn mower at Kim’s house? Let me guess, you were not really dropping off a lawn mower at Kim’s house were you? I bet you heard from Trish that Josh had a new girlfriend and that she was living with him and you had to come check it out for yourself? I would bank money on my little theory, because I know how women react to situations. I really did enjoy going to the court hearing and seeing you in the “jail house blues”. You really looked like crap that day, what was wrong with your hair? I do have a suggestion for you, I would quit bleaching it so much, your hair looks like dry hay and we both know hay hair is not a sexy thing to sport. I thought it was funny when Josh told me that when I left the courtroom you started to cry. Why the hell were you crying? You knew that you violated the TPO, now you have to step up and deal with the consequences of your actions. It was even funnier when you started yelling at the judge and you became hostile and he said that you had to get a mental evaluation before your next court date. I know that you think that you are in the clear on the charge, but before you go out doing the happy dance, the system is backed up, but Josh does call the prosecutor at least once a month to remind him of the case. I did like the fact that you did wait until the restraining order was up this month to contact Josh about getting the rest of you possessions, again I must tell you that his last name is no longer your last name so you are going to have to throw out all of your mailing labels. Josh also has no intentions or desire to talk to you, he does not want to give you any indication that there is a possibility that you two may get back together in this lifetime. As he has expressed to me you were a bad nightmare and he is glad that he is out of it now. As for the items that you asked for in your letter that were not yours, how in the heckRugoing to use a 3foot ottoman as a bed? The T.V is being used by someone else, and considering that you trashed the house before you were permanently removed from the house there are not a lot of items that Josh is willing to part with. (I saw the pictures and I am still wondering what possessed you to rip out duct work in the attic, rip out wires, and push an air conditioning unit off its base) I did give you my old knife set. I hope that you find it useful in your new apartment. Josh was unable to give you the blender due to the fact that you melted the top part in the dishwasher. My favorite part of the letter that you wrote was the end when you told Josh that you miss talking to him the past year. I guarantee you that Josh does not share the same feelings that you do on this matter. But as you stated in one of the numerous crazy letter that you wrote him “I am friends with all my ex’s”. I can tell you that he does not want to be friends with you on any level. According to him you are too bi-polar to carry a decent friendship with and he is just tired of the drama that you caused in the past and does not want to deal with it at all. So you tell me, would you really want to be friends with a nut bag? I sure would not.

Now I do have a few confessions to make to you, remember that substitute teaching job that you were so proud but never actually showed up to? I heard that you are off the calling list due to the fact that you never showed up, and they found out you were not completely honest on your application about your past or your mental condition. They say that honesty pays, hope you learn from your mistake. You know all the free samples that you have been receiving in the mail? Well that was me, I figured that considering you are 50 ½ the depends, information on hair loss, nursing homes, Velcro clothing, and cosmetic surgery information would come in handy for you. Do not get me wrong you look good for 50 ½, but for God’s sake don’t you think you should start dating men who are closer to your age group? Josh is only 29! I cannot even picture what the two of you could possibly have had in common. I mean you were like in your 20’s when we were both born. Your daughter is as old as he is! It reminds me of 50 year old men who like to marry women in their 20’s. It is weird when I realize that you are as old as both of our mothers. But, I guess when you are that old it is hard to find a quality man in your age group that will tolerate the crazy things that you do. This subject just grosses me out because you are old enough to be his mother, which I heard a lot of people thought you were his mother. Which reminds me, I did want to point out something to you. Remember the pictures that Josh and you took? Well, I hate to be the one to tell you but the shirt that you were wearing with the keyhole went out in the late 80’s. Your face also looks really old compared to Josh’s. Not a good picture of you at all. You really should read over the cosmetic surgery material that I had sent to you. A facelift could make you look 10 years younger. As for the e-mails from Merdith, that was really myself posing as Merdith. See, Merdith was married to my step-dads brother so I knew all about her and where she worked. You were not too bright on that note. But it was funny to read your e-mail about your drunken roommate and the delusional thoughts that you were going to get the house and move back in. Too funny! I guess that you can say that I am pretty hateful when I need to be, but I will have you know that I did sit by for 3 months and watch Josh try to deal with the situation before I stepped in. I did not like seeing him stressed out from all the things that you were trying to pull. I figured that you had beat him up enough through out the marriage that I would take some of the pressure off of him and give him room to breath while I made him laugh at the same time with all the things that I was putting you through. Another piece of advice for you, remember the next time you do this to someone there will be another one like me who is just as good as playing the payback game. Maybe this will teach you to think twice about your life and why staying on medication for your bi-polar disorder is crucial for your mental well being as well as the others around you. I also have to tell you that the tattoo that Josh had of you on his arm is gone. I paid to get it covered up. He decided to get a tattoo that meant something to him. It turned out pretty good, and it was well worth the money that I spent to have it covered up. It was a proud day for both of us. Not to mention that all his friends are pleased about the tattoo that he choose to cover up your picture with. I was happy to do this for him because it gave him a sense of closure on that chapter in his life. In your last letter to him it did seem like you were trying to make him feel bad or sorry for the way the situation turned out for the both of you. Again, I cannot stress this point enough to you. You are the sole reason why everything escalated the way that it did. If you had enough common sense in your head you would have never made the choices that you made. You are right when you say that Josh was smart for getting a lawyer to represent him in the divorce. If he did not take that route I am sure that you would still be attempting to drag out the divorce for another 10 months. You do not have children with him, you ended up getting the dog killed, the cat ran away and you were going to get divorced before you moved here. So you really have no reason to contact him anymore, which you should thank him due to the fact that he kept you from being committed indefinitely to the mental hospital in another state. I personally believe that you should consider some care for yourself in a long-term facility. There are a few up sides to this suggestion. 1. You would have a free place to stay so you would not have to worry about the stress of day to day living. 2. You could finally get some intensive help with your bi-polar disorder. 3. You would be in a safe environment. I think you would really flourish as an individual in a setting of this nature. Besides your already 50 ½ , retirement is not too far off in your future (figure 16 years). I doubt that you have a good retirement plan and you are already collecting of the government for your “disability” already so why not go all out and suck the system for all you can. You are going to need all the help at this point in your life. I am sure that you could qualify for section 8 housing, I mean my cousin is 20 years younger than you and she gets section 8 housing so I am sure that you would qualify. You can always play the “feel pity for me card”, I have noticed that you are pretty good at playing the victim so this should be pretty easy for you to do. I bet your kicking yourself in the ass that you could not gift deed Josh’s house to yourself when he was gone. I am glad that the bank was smart enough to know what you were doing. Everything that you did while he was gone tells me that you were planning a life without him, you were going to get everything you could before he realized what your intentions were. Thank God that he is brighter than you think that he is and could see what you were doing. Did you honestly think that at 50 ½ that you were going to be able to hold on to Josh by having a baby? I heard that the doctor did not even want to help you considering your age and your mental disorder. The doctor was not an ******* as you said, he was just giving his professional opinion and you did not like what he had to tell you. Besides you did a ****ty job with your only child do you really think its fair to another child to have you as a mother? Sorry if that stings a little, but they do say the truth hurts. Josh also does know about your “chocolate love” that you had at Bingo. The old saying goes…once a cheater, always a cheater. It is amazing the things that you find out when you have lived here for as long as I have. Also, I would quit hanging out at Chevy dealership and huffing helium balloons. The people down there think you are a few burgers shy of a Happy Meal already and huffing helium balloons is not helping their perception of you at all. The neighbors also refer to you as “that crazy white lady who does yard work” So again, I stress that it is not really a good ideal that you move back to this county to start your life all over again.

I would like to touch upon another topic with you. Why in the heckare youtraveling around with two dogs in a crappy car that breaks down more than it runs? Did it not cross your mind that you were putting the two dogs safety in harms way? I am sure you kicked yourself in the butt when the car broke down on the side of the road, leading to one of the dogs getting hit by a passing vehicle. I do need to tell you that Gary is no longer holding the body of the dog that was killed, he held it over a month waiting for you to come pick it up and you never did. So he ended up disposing of the dog. I also heard that the other dog that was left ended up getting hit as well. I also heard the cat ran away from you. This is a true sign that you should not be a pet owner. Its sad because Josh really did want his dog back, and he was going to ask for her back in the divorce but then he found out that she was dead. Pity that you destroyed the thing that he loved.

Please do not call his Grandmother, or his family for that matter. They do not like you and they are not going to take your side on anything. I do not know why you felt compelled to call his Grandma the day after the divorce was final. Just a thought for future calls you make to places of business. Do not piss the receptionist off, this only irritates her and does not make you a priority. Or in terms that you can understand, do not be rude to the person on the other end of the phone. Did you ever stop to think that his Grandma does not want to talk to you? You and Josh are done so that means that she does not care to have a relationship with you. Move on and harass someone else for a while. At this point Josh is more than happy to take out another TPO if you decide to start coming around. As for myself, I will make your life as miserable as I possibly can legally. Now, for the sake of argument, I do not think that you care for jail too much so I would just stay clear if I were you and start your life over in the county that you are living in and stay out of the county that we are living in. But if you like the food and the clothing then harass away! I am 20 years younger than you, which gives me a huge advantage and I am not suffering from a mental disorder so my thinking is very clear on the choices that I make. But if you think that you are woman enough to take me on I say go for it with bells on! Do know that you will not win, you lost the last game you tried to play with Josh and you will not win the game with me. If you are looking for a sugar daddy I would like to suggest that you hang out on the Island’s more. I know that there are quite a few well off men on the Island’s that may be interested in you. Another suggestion that I have for you, you should really spend some more time on you’re My Space page. It looks pretty lame. I also don’t think the quote “five kinds of crazy” is really going to help you make new friends on the site. You also do not have any pictures of yourself. I did pack your disc of the picture that you took of yourself, (yes the not so flattering nude ones with the odd looking boob job). You could use a few of the pictures off of that disc and maybe add some more graphics to the page. Keep in mind that you cannot access Josh’s page because he has set his page to private. I do think that it is funny that you have not checked your account since March. You also lied on your profile, but then again anyone can be anything that they want to be on the net.

Bottom line is you had a sweet deal when you were married to Josh, you did not have to work, you were able to sleep until noon, were able to spend his money freely while he went without. Due to your own hand you ruined the life that you had. You really have no one to blame but yourself for everything that happen. This includes your first husband, your second husband and your relationship with Josh. I would assume that you would have learned from your previous marriages the mistakes that you made and would not try to make the same mistakes the third time around. Guess you are not as bright as you would like the general public to believe you are. I personally think that you are just way out there living in a fantasyland that only exists in your mind. You have lost touch with reality, and for that I really do pity you. I only hope that you get the help that you so desperately need. Oh, and that was really tacky to introduce Josh to the guy you were sleeping with in the mental hospital, did you not think that Josh knew the truth? I mean come on, get real!! I bet you are real bored of reading this long drawn out letter. Now you know how Josh felt about receiving all the letters from you. Which I do not mind telling you he never read any of them, he quit caring about what you wanted to say or how you felt. I did end up reading through your letters as well as a few emotionally stable people and we all came to the same conclusion that you are off your rocker lady. While it was very entertaining to read, it was also very repetitious and of course all about how you are the victim over and over again, that Josh was so horrible to you, and you never did anything wrong. I found it amusing that you tried to portray Josh in a light that made his look like a sexual deviant, by claiming that he was into three**** and he was a pedophile. I have not seen him display any of the characteristics that you falsely claimed against him. But I do urge you to look into to your own sexual history and experiences and ask yourself if you are really the one that is a sexual deviant. I would classify “couple swapping” with your ex- husband, sexual gratification from a toe, a constant need for sexual gratification, and the pursuit of men half your age as sexual deviant. Or you have mistaken sex for love, which is a sad thing to do considering you age. Most women get over the whole scenario of mistaking sex for love when they are in there 20’s. I hope that you address this issue that you have, this problem will end up having a negative effect on all your future relationships. Now, I know that you are thinking that you have a normal sexual drive but I promise you that this is not normal behavior and especially for someone your age. I must say the toe thing was pretty gross. That is even out there for me and I am pretty open to new things.

What was the reasoning for all the darn letters that you sent? Like I said he never did read any of them. Josh made the decision that he no longer wanted to be with you and that the marriage was over. Did you really think that all the letters were going to change his mind as well as his heart? Again, you took the wrong approach to win him back, your letters were erratic in thoughts and in one paragraph you loved him and in the next paragraph you hated him. This is not the way to get back into someone’s good graces. I must say you blew it with flying colors! As, for the lies you told Glenn, Kelly, and his family, you can apologize until you are blue in the face, it does not change the fact that you said the things that you did. People remember things like that and they do not tend to forget them. I suggest that you forget that you even met them, they do not want anything to do with you or your crazy fantasies that you have in your head. Everyone sees you for the nut bag that you are, and they do not want to have to deal with you or your problems that you have created for yourself.

[mikesinclair]

Hi Babe

Seemed i couldnt keep away from sending you a message,
but i came to my senses and realised that you were no good for me,
you were too fu*kin normal, didnt like to go out, ****ed with the door open, ate with ur mouth open all the time, ok you were beautiful and you knew everyone thought it, but NO more, i am looking at you as some boring whore that wasted all her savings on me and isnt and i repeat ISNT getting any of it back.
you decided to bolt when things were getting good so its ur loss on the money front. sorry.
U constantly moaned about leaving shoes not whrre they were supposed to be, wet towels that were on the the f$cking bed.. get a life you muppet.
I now find out that you are planning to go to australia as your old boss has offered you a great job, well thats not fuc*ing goin home and missing your parents, family and friends is it ? its the otherside of the planet.
You keep sayin your confused, well how the **** do you think im gettin on ? you twisted rye bread muncher.
You planned this all out didnt u, think that i wouldnt find out ? well bollocks to you, i got a good job in london, getting a nice place to live and im going to go out and replace you, maybe not as beautiful but someone that can eat correctly and not **** with the door wide open.. skank
make me feel guilty when i call to say hi, by turning on the water works and sobbing, ohh my life ohh i dont know what i am doing, im confused, well go fuc*ing die.
rant over.... you fuc&er.
I hate you and i wish you the worst luck in the future you c*nt.


I love you.

M

[mikesinclair]

Hey Babe

I was just looking at some of the pics this summer, we looked so happy together.
I am struggling to look at them though as it seems so close. What happened, why were we not given another chance.
I know deep down you want to be with me, and you just have to be brave and make the decision to move to london and give it another go.
I have realised the mistakes and where we took each other for granted, but we are soul mates, you even say you still love me, therfore the spark can be lit again
moving to Oz will confirm that its over and i dont think you want that.
but i fear if i give you too much space you will be gone.
if only i could get an honest answer from you, not i need to think about it.

Lets give it another try..

I love you.

[Saxis]

I really don't know what I'm doing here. I actually had a pretty good night. All the guys had to head home to their wives/girlfriends, and here I am. Still stuck... I'm not even sure why coming home to you even sounds nice... you treated me like ****! I have so many things to say, and I don't know how to say them. That's always been my problem, hasn't it?

I still remember you saving me from suicide... I don't really consider it saving now... You said you would leave me if I ever threatened my life again, but you left me anyway. What do I have to lose now? I've thought about that a lot. You got me to realize that it's really not worth it considering our daughter, but some days I still wish I would never wake up. I still have you listed as the beneficiary of my life insurance. Sometimes I still think it would be best. You have so many dreams and ambitions, and I can't see myself going anywhere. You and our daughter could use the money. I've never lived for myself.... and I seem to be failing at it.

[delilah12]

I'm not mad at you; I'm mad at myself. You are mostly who you have always been. You didn't say I love you, I need you, I cannot live without you..You said 'I'm happy; I like my life; things are good and that's what I am most mad at myself for - god, what a fool I am. You can almost forgive yourself when someone wants you so much that it is intoxicating and tsunami-like and bigger than both of you and you get caught in the current but what I got caught in was nothing - no big moment, no words of love, no bigger-than-both-of-us, nothing - I sold myself for nothing..you don't even pull out the words anymore - I feel cheap and used - but once I work through this - and I am working through this - I am going to make myself whole - something i have never been with you - not since the moment I met you and saw in you all the things I didn't want to see in myself.

I go through bouts of wanting to hate you because it's easier - anger fuels determination to stay away; when the anger runs out, I convince myself that it wasn't that bad - you didn't treat me poorly and wow, didn't we always have good conversations and great chemistry and blah, blah, blah? Each time I think I will come back to someone who missed me and is so glad I am back in their life that this time, this time! will be the time he will show you how much you mean to him; he won't let you go so easily this time; he won't send you one email a week that reads 'what did you think of House' - there will be depth, substance, a feeling of total solidarity with another human being - even if you can't be with that person, you can drink from the well that is filled with everything that makes you buzz, hum, be electric..be alive..and then you realize that nothing has changed and everytime you go away and come back again, he respects you less. He responds to your complete and total soul purging with a line or two that would be better served in an episode of the Simpsons; he says he doesn't trust email, phone conversations and so, living 500+ miles away, you are meant to do with snippets of nothing when you once had the most exciting part of this person, the part that made you feel alive and totally present in a way that doesn't come through this life twice, and you wind up in a cheap motel in a city by the river and that is supposed to do. No i love you, i need you, i cannot live without you; bye bye back to life - see you around

So I'm taking steps to make myself better; to be the person I know I can be - the confident, funny, dynamic, talented person who, when you are on your death bed, you will realize that you lost out on and not a moment before - and I'm not going to sit around and wait for that realization anymore - I am going to put it all back together for my husband and my child and I am going to write a best-selling novel and make a rich life for myself and forget that there was ever a place called ***** and a person who claimed to love you in a way that made every nerve in your body stand on end and make you feel like you were not alone in this world because your other half was out there and you met him and he didn't love you enough to make a life with you.

so byebyebaby...you want to send me emails every couple of weeks about a book you think I will like or a movie you saw? go ahead.i am not going to close the account because I am going to instead work on the person who needs those words that never come and fix what's broken (oh sorry, right, you don't like that word)

[starlite]

I am starting to feel like I didnt even know you!

You have no clue about loyalties and who they belong to! They no longer belong to me, but you didnt even give me it when we were together. Your friend tried to steal from me and you did NOTHING! A month later you confronted him, he denied it and you told me to get over it. THANKS! One of your female friends was a straight up B to me! You said you spoke with her, nothing changed and then you decided it was no longer YOUR problem. Thanks for sticking up for me.

NOW! Your best friend has the simple request..do not hang with his ex! You cant even do that, you are so f'd up! What is more important????? It is kind of disgusting to me!

We fought one night....bad....and I said that you acted like this great guy, but deep down you're not. You got so offended! I apologized. I take it back...i really mean it. You lied to me constantly, someone you LOVED and always blamed me for it. What an unhealthy relationship that was. I loved you with all my heart, was honest, tried and change my INSECURITIES for you, when all along...you caused them.

And you said YOU tried. Please....what to go out more, lie more and pretend to be good.

I TRIED! You did nothing! F you!