[WindDrifter]

Well ... here I go again. I have mentioned a lot before but just for a run down.

We had been going out for about 2 1/2 years. Every 3-4months like clockwork she doesn't know if she wants to be with me or not. This last a couple days then we get back together. Well this time she broke it off. It has been 5 weeks we have been chatting once or twice a week. Meeting up once on weekends and spending the whole day together. Last weekend we went to a concert so we ended up spending the weekend together. We have been having sex which has been amazing. Better than ever. I guess I felt like things were getting on track again. During the time off we both realised we need to work on things ourselves. Like inner demons that we hadn't dealt with. I have been amazed how much I found out about myself. I have found it really positive.

BUT.....

The main thing is that I don't want to be with anyone. I don't want to kiss anyone and I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just can't. When I am in love I cannot bring myself to kiss someone or sleep with someone else. Yet she feels that she doesn't want to sleep with anyone but might want to kiss other people when she goes out. She hasn't yet because she knows that she might lose me for good.

She doesn't think kissing is a big deal on the other hand I do. I am scared that if you can say you love me and kiss someone else what stops you when we are married? To me I make those marriage vows when I date someone. To her when you get married then thats when it all begins. Being together is based on Love and Trust. How can I trust someone who loves me and kisses other guys.

I have tried to be really supportive and give her space and tell her look you need this time just do what you need to do. I told her I can't guarantee how I will feel or react as I have never been in this situation but if I am stopping her from getting "THIS STAGE" out of her system she might just want to do it again when we are married.

We told each other that we would tell each other if we wanted to kiss someone else before it happened. Last night she told me she has been thinking about kissing someone else. Ie. what would it mean? Why does she? Why doesn't she? What would happened to us?. i got really scared about this.

To make things even more confusing she then says things like ahh I saw your baby photos and if we have a boy who looks like you I would be the happiest mom in the world.

She says she is 99% sure she wants to be with me but wants to go back to being single and having fun with her girlfriends for one last time (over 3 months).

I don't have a problem with her going out with her girlfriends and having time to work on her problems but to go out kissing guys and then still saying I love you to me is just a kick in the face. She also says that if we didn't see each other for 2 weeks it would be easier for her to kiss someone else. Just to fill in? WTF?
She then also says do you want me to tell you everytime I kiss someone else? This coming from a girl who hasn't decided on whether she wants to kiss someone else or not!

She also says a lot of her girlfriends have gone through this and got back together and its normal. AHHH!!!

I guess it comes down to the fact she WANTS to kiss someone else and I DON't want to. She ISN't ready to settle down and I AM ready!

So what do I do now...
For me I would love to just say we thats it. Don't call me until you want to get back together. If I am not with someone then we will see how it goes. but what I am afraid of is that this will give her the excuse to then sleep with someone else and do more than kissing.

If I stick around maybe kissing is as bad as it will get.
Saying that if I stick around I can't love her when I know she has been kissing someone else. The sight of her would make me sick.
Should I tell her how it would kill me to think of her lips touching anothers otherwise will this alter what she might do and this will happen all over again.

We are meeting up tonight to go to some talk and since she felt we were getting into a couple again we have decided not to meet up on Thursday and just on Sat or Sunday.

I just don't think I would be able to chat to her and be nice if she kissed someone else. By not being able to do this she said it would be over for good. She would have to see me or talk to me.

Am I placing too much in a kiss.

Am I just jealous as well. Even if we agree to kiss others I don't know many people her and don't go out clubbing that much be she goes out every weekend and always gets guys trying to hook up. Do I keep a tally?

Lastly I would just feel like the lowest piece of crap in the world if she went out with her gf kissed all these guys in front of them and then we get back together. I would just feel so used. I don't think I could live with it.

Maybe this is a case of bad timing? I don't know.

Any advice? I need help? We are meeting up tonight? What should I do What should I say?

I am thinking about asking her about the "Should I tell you about when I kiss other guys" becuase that means she wants to kiss others which she isn't telling me now. She says she doesn't know. But i think she does.
Also whats with the whole "Fill In" whats that?

Thanks all sorry for the essay!
WD