Hi
I sort of asked this earlier, and instead of just asking, I rambled. I will do what I need to do, and I know very well each situation is different, but I am just curious as to anyones thoughts.
SITUATION:
I was involved with a separated, then back to wife, then separated and now recently divorced man. It has always been a very difficult long distance, passionate relationship that has rocked my world and also ruined it (not being dramatic) in other ways. More pain than pleasure, but the pleasure outweighs the pain, chicken, egg, vice versa.
ANYWAY, he is single, and he has started dating (or has been all the time, who knows) according to him, he has just started having casual dates with women where he lives. The D was not for me, and he never said he would come to me if they split. He has said he loves me...etc. etc...boo haa haa, yada yada over the years.
My hunch, gut and BIG feeling is that he is already sleeping with others, not just a casual dinner date. I dont trust him. never will.
He made plans, a flight reservation to come see me..even tho he has begun his single man journey, and he is all about the sex for sure.
I realize he lies and I cant trust him, but of course I want to see him. WOULD u risk breaking your heart all over to see your exMM now that he is single, but run the huge risk of it all falling to hell and not seeing him again? I am so torn. BUT I am also not trusting anything he says...ignores serious emails, responds quickly when its about sex or something light, but not when I need a deeper conversation.
Would you be able to just enjoy it, and go wild and have fun one last time, (maybe) and risk the pain again of doing this again...knowing he is not trying to commit to me or date me???
Thoughts are appreciated. I did send him an email saying that if he is involved with someone on any real level, not just dinner dates, that I was not comfortable with this..or if he had feelings for someone else, is sleeping with them, I did not want to be at the center of another threesome or lie. I just cant do it, YUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
thanks so much, I know I sound like a broken record, but after 6 years of knowing him, it just ended in divorce and its all just raw emotion.
I wouldnt even let him back in my life if he were single.
You know your not capable of having a fling with this man. Stay away, unless you want to unleash all your history, and knowing this time, hes seeing lots of women!
You know him and what his actions are telling you.
It's up to you at the end of the day if you want to get hurt again. Is having hot sex with this guy worth all the pain that's going to follow? He isn't inlove with you, he doesn't want a relationship. He's enjoying his freedom and doesn't want to be tied down to anyone.
Which Way,
this is all true, I know. I did think up until now, a week or so ago, he was really in love with me, cause he said so. He said I STILL LOVE YOU, but what he means is, I still want to have sex with you, when I can get away with it, and lie to you and everyone else abouit it. I always felt he loved me, and perhaps in his own way he does, but this aint love, it sux...
thanks
lfmm
Honey, you know how this will play out. You KNOW how you will feel afterward.
Think for a minute how you will feel after you say, "No way, Jose" and close this door. A little self empowered, maybe. A little proud of making a move in a positive (or at least nonnegative) direction. A little in control of your own happiness and destiny. You're no ping pong ball, choose your direction carefully.
__________________ "Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace." Amelia Earheart
What do you want from this man? You want him to say he loves you, you are the one etc etc etc.
is he saying that? no he is not.
Are his actions saying that? no they are not.
So WHY would you put up with being a diversion and little amuse bouche yet again..
You are more than a passing pleasure for him to enjoy among the banquet of life.
When I first tried internet dating I thought I had met a great guy straight off the bat but was uncomfortable that he was newly separated. I went on one date with him anyway. My hunch was confirmed, he was not sufficiently separated or ready to date.
I saw him a few months later for one evening. Over dinner I said so how are you enjoying dating. his face lit up like a xmas tree as he told me. I laughed and said its like Baskin Robbins isnt it, you are enjoying tasting every flavor (such a w*anker he was). And I left and went home ALONE.
This is your guy. he is free now and he is at Baskin Robbins - dont be the flavor of the week...
AF
I know, I know. I am an idiot really. I don't know why I can't say no, I am just not this weak and pathetic with other men. OMG I feel like a friggin 8th grader, lol.
I know I will be asking for a world of trouble seeing him. I am already so F-up from the years of stuff, but I just seem to keep making it worse. I know, now that it is a total blessing that this man does not live near me, because if I had to run into him, and deal with what most OW or people in A have to do, I would go whacko and loose it.
I am setting myself up for a lot of crap and heartache. My goal it to be able to walk away for good...yet seeing him won't help that.
Thanks for responding, I know exactly how ridiculous my behavior/thoughts are. I am a fairly sensible and not needy/or foolish woman, yet this man tends to hit all my weak spots.
Thanks
obviously not learning from my mistaked, lol...
And in my own situation, well...I was thinking about that tonite.
I found a serendipitous way of evening the score so to speak. If I could find a way of disguising it sufficiently to post it I would because I am pretty d*man pleased with myself.
And unless he feels really great about the fact that I have now leveled the playing field I think it really closed the door forever.
And it did make me think. If he were ever single would I even entertain him for a minute.
Truth? there is to this day an incredible je ne sais quoi between us. But who cares.
it would take SO much for me to ever trust him with my heart again and to believe that he was not going to trifle with me and take me for granted - not that he would cheat, but that he could ever really engage fully enough for me to have my needs met in the relationship, that it would be a tough call.
I gave my heart and soul. I believed in him and in us 1000% against all reason long after it finished. To this day I admire him greatly in many ways.
But trust him with my heart? It would take convincing.
So if he came to me and said I am divorced, and there was even a whiff of a possibility that he was seeing other people that he dated ANYONE and didnt come rushing to me to say darling I love you, you are the only woman for me let me make things right...
I would say oh gee so sorry to hear you and W didnt work things out, best of luck to you.
And he wouldnt even hear the click of my high heels because i would be gone faster than the speed of light.
After everything I have been through with this man, NOTHING less than unequivocal devotion to making a future with me and 1000% certainty that this is what he wants would suffice. If he were a religious man Id make him swear on his childrens' lives.
So no there is NO way. If he dared to come to me and say he was dating others and would I like to join the party I would be writing this from prison because I would have committed assault with intent to kill.
it would take SO much for me to ever trust him with my heart again and to believe that he was not going to trifle with me and take me for granted - not that he would cheat, but that he could ever really engage fully enough for me to have my needs met in the relationship, that it would be a tough call.
I gave my heart and soul. I believed in him and in us 1000% against all reason long after it finished.
But trust him with my heart? It would take convincing.
This is so where Im at.
I know my recent x-MM knee-jerked and panicked, and didnt really mean to end things as he did. I know that because of the contact he made afterwards. Plus, we had broken up before. Im sure he thought it was more of the same.
And I also know he will contact me again, if not stop by my house at some point. I just know his patterns.
But, like you, the reason I feel things are irreparable arent because we fought and broke up. Its because he swore over and over and up and down for weeks and weeks how he was leaving his W and moving in with me. I begged him over and over to be honest and not say these things if he couldnt produce. I asked him time and time again to not go there unless he was going to follow thru. He would always swear to me we would be together and that he would never hurt me like this.
Like you I wouldnt worry about him cheating, but I dont think I could ever take him back because I cant trust him at this point. I mean if he comes to me, tells me what a mistake he made, that he left his W, filed for D, the whole thing, I still wouldnt believe he would panic again and walk out of my life.
Thats what bothers me the most. Knowing I cant trust him with my heart.
But if he came back while he was casually dating others? Hell no! What a dismissive slap in the face.
Exactly what a dismissive slap in the face and after the shock (while I said oh too bad) i would attempt to do him bodily harm which is why I would be posting from a jail cell (or an asylum).
the cheek to even THINK for one red second he can add you to the bevy of girls vying for his attention.
I dont think so.
he might not have left for you, but if in his heart he only wanted to be with you, he would have called BEFORE he started casually dating those women in town.
Alpha my situation is slightly different in that he never promised to leave but its the same concept.
It really is at that.
OP - even after all my recent x-MM has done to hurt me, if he ever had the audacity to come back one day, single, and tell me hed like to add me to his harem of women, Id be much like jj and would probably pull a Bobbitt on him.
Me again. The fact that you even have to ASK about his involvement with other women... not good not good at all. This is not what you want.
IF you allow yourself to put yourself through this, you are "living the dream" for one more weekend or however long he is there is worth the pain even tho I know its not real.
Theres a song by Snow Patrol and part of it goes something like "if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world" (or something like that)
thats what you would be doing. You would be suspending the reality of the fact that your relationship with him is not what you want, but for that brief while you would share your own private world.
But you clearly love this man and want more which means its a temporary high. And likely to be followed by pain and longing.
I was involved with a separated, then back to wife, then separated and now recently divorced man. It has always been a very difficult long distance, passionate relationship that has rocked my world and also ruined it (not being dramatic) in other ways. More pain than pleasure, but the pleasure outweighs the pain, chicken, egg, vice versa.
You know, I'm divorced...dating quite a wonderful woman I believe.
A few months in, when we decided to escalate things, she asked me for my D papers. I could tell she was nervous about asking...but I didn't mind. I wasn't offended and proffered them up in short order. Signed and notarized.
Just a hint.
Quote:
ANYWAY, he is single, and he has started dating (or has been all the time, who knows) according to him, he has just started having casual dates with women where he lives. The D was not for me, and he never said he would come to me if they split. He has said he loves me...etc. etc...boo haa haa, yada yada over the years.
He loves you but dates other women?
Uh.
Yeah.
Sure.
Makes perfect sense to me...loves you but dates others...you don't actually buy that crap do you...do you?
Quote:
He made plans, a flight reservation to come see me..even tho he has begun his single man journey, and he is all about the sex for sure.
At least you are going in with eyes wide open...
Quote:
I realize he lies and I cant trust him, but of course I want to see him.
Damnit. Really. I'm SO jealous. This guy isn't trustworthy and lies and you STILL want to have sex with him? I need to pay attention to these MM more...maybe I'll print the "Lies my MM told me" thread and commit it to memory...
Quote:
WOULD u risk breaking your heart all over to see your exMM now that he is single, but run the huge risk of it all falling to hell and not seeing him again?
On a more serious note...it seems as if SEEING him is the path to hell versus not seeing him....
Quote:
I am so torn. BUT I am also not trusting anything he says...ignores serious emails, responds quickly when its about sex or something light, but not when I need a deeper conversation.
Oh, here's a tip. Men suffer the EA part to get to the good stuff.
Not me of course. Just sayin'
Quote:
Would you be able to just enjoy it, and go wild and have fun one last time, (maybe) and risk the pain again of doing this again...knowing he is not trying to commit to me or date me???
Again, you're a big girl. You know exactly what this is. So, is that waht you want?
Quote:
Thoughts are appreciated. I did send him an email saying that if he is involved with someone on any real level, not just dinner dates, that I was not comfortable with this..or if he had feelings for someone else, is sleeping with them, I did not want to be at the center of another threesome or lie. I just cant do it, YUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
Uh. Yeah. He'll be honest with that. Sure. And look, I've got this beach front ocean property in Arizona I'd like to sell you.
Trust your instincts...they're right.
Question is...if you go this route will YOU be ok?
My gut says...you'll get hurt again. If he really loved you there would be no other "casual dates"...just you.
__________________
"The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them, changes both the maker and the destination."
I realize posting what I did, I opened the door to harsh truths. I was trying to talk it out, get it out and realize how crazy it is...by expressing myself here, I am better able to handle my crap and not put rose colored glasses on this, which I stopped doing a long time ago.
Have I suffered enough pain, yes, DO I feel there is unfinished business, yes, always will be. I realize I am setting myself up for a lot of crap...but I also feel pretty ready to walk away...i came very close several times to calling off the trip and saying thats it, which is something I would have never ever considered before.
I know my answers, I know how f-up it is with this situation, and believe it or not, I am getting the courage to walk away. I do feel I crossed some threshold and that i will never be able to view him in the same way again, and that i do not want a relationship with him.
I am exhausted from it, and from my own sickness and weakness. it is not like me to be in this spot and so f-ing in my head and crazy but perhaps this is what it takes, crazy pain and a horrible gut feeling all the time that i have been duped, dumb and dense.
Okay, thanks for your replies. Every day I am closer to making this stop and YES I will feel empowered, strong and less pathetic once i stop the madness.
goodnite to all, and to all a goodnight.....
we each have control of our lives, and I surely am not trying to put my life or happiness in anyone elses hands.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Hybrid Mode
