[DiDi123]

Hi All,
I am new here and posted quite a lengthy post under the thread Fallen Angel a few days ago not realizing I was "threadjacking".

I need help, advice and whatever anyone call tell me to try and make some sense of my situation.

I am 43 (never married, no kids) and he is 58 (married 33 years & no kids). We started seeing each in July- met playing golf- very innocently. Long story short he has been miserable in his M for the last 10-15 years and they have talked divorce but they were both to complacent & lazy to follow through.

He claims I have helped him to see life in a different light and feels passion with me that he never felt with her even when the were first married.

If you are the MM (with no kids and married for a long time 25-30+ years) did you leave your M? He has told me that they both "checked out" long before I came along. I am not harboring any guilt about if they divorce that it will be because of me- because it won't be. I may be the peson that got the ball rolling but I refuse to take on that. Of course I know I'm part of it- but it does take 2 people to make a marriage fail.

The W does nothing with him. I mean nothing. Shes not active and they are basically ships that pass in the night. They go for days not speaking and lead pretty separate lives. He says it awful that he has everything in life except for the emotional attachment he wants. When I say everything I mean that he has no mortgage on the house or boat or cars, and he retired at 51 from a senior level management job. He does now what he has always loved doing which are small renovation jobs and he is quite successful at it. They haven't had sex in 3 years and prior to that 1-2 times a year going back 5 years and he felt she did it because she had to and to him he felt like it was a chore to her. No passion, no real kissing or hugging- which we do all the time.

I have asked him things like if she all of a sudden came onto to him and wanted to have sex and be passionate how would he react? He said he just has no interest in her. She's a nice person but he just is way past that. He says he has no interest in her. He refers to her as his roommate. He has also told me that that would never happen- she has never done that and I shouldn't be concerned about that ever happening. He said that he isn't a machine and she by some wierd chance it did happen he doesn't think he could get an erection because he feels no sexual attraction towards her. Could this be true?

Is he invested in "us"? Yes I do believe he is. He has told me that he does things that he has never done for anyone else and is always telling me we are very compatible. Compatiability, he tells me is the most important thing - more so than sex. Have we had it? yes. Is it fabulous? yes. And its very natural for me- more natural than anyone I have ever been with. But we didn't go there until about a month and a half into our relationship and it just simply happened- no planning involved. He has always told me that what we have isn't about the sex. I believe that- I think it is about him getting his emotional needs being met. Another reason I believe him is because I unfortunately had to have emergency surgery (total abdominal hysterectomy) on September 9th and he has been there in ever sense. More than anyone ever has been there for me. Nonstop hugs, cuddling and sometimes just holding me when I was in severe pain both in the hospital and when I was discharged.

I am in love with him (haven't told him yet) but have asked him if he is in love with me. His response was that he very well could be and he knows that he wouldn't have done the things he has done for me if he didn't have strong feelings for me.

He has never cheated on her and does feel remorse for cheating and has asked me to be patient while he figures out a plan on how to proceed. He will tell me often that he has come close to telling her "Why don't you leave if your are so unhappy" but has never done so. I have asked him if he is so miserable why don't you just tell her and move on. Is it that they have been married "on paper" for that length of time? He knows that if something doesn't happen soon I'm breaking up with him. (How I will manage I don't know). But he often says he can't live like this any longer, dual life, living with someone he has no connection with emotionally. Have any MM's left in a situation like this? are you happier?

I have when pressed told him my thoughts. I told him that he is youthful, fit and enjoys an active lifestyle, which she does not. I told him that (baring some major illness or accident) he will probably live for at least another 30+ years- do you want them to happy or do you want to just "exist" the way you are now? I have said things like whether its with me or someone else don't you deserve to be happy? I want him to leave the M because he wants to not because me (completely anyway).

I made it clear when we first met and had a really long conversation that I am tired of being alone. I want to be married- I want someone to do things with (golf, boating, tennis, movies, having dinner, snuggling,etc.)- that I do not want to be alone forever, I want security, I want to be there for someone and vice versa. I took a chance at true honesty with him - I point blank asked him if you were to divorce her could you see yourself getting remarried? He said yes. I don't think he likes living alone - which he said he is doing right now. But I know he is still married so he really isn't alone. SO what do I do? I don't want to give him an ultimatum, at least not yet. I adore him and believe me what he has done over the time of my surgery, before, during and after has demonstrated a real sense of true caring for me. I don't think anyone could refute that. He has also told me that he has never been there for anyone like that either- or wanted to be there for anyone until I came along.

I'm sure I have left out things (please ask me as all of you who are more experienced will let me know if you see any red flags that I'm not seeing) but I just don't know what to do. If anyone can help me figure this out I would appreciate it. Since finding LS I have been reading threads and posts everyday, going back to last year and have learned SO much from the majority of people here. I have laughed and cried and have felt so much emotion over everything everyone has shared- thank you. I never knew there was such a support system out there as I have never posted anything before anywhere in my life.

One last thing that I'll say is that I have never felt better about anyone than I do with him. I have told him from day 1 that I really wasn't honest in my previous relationships about my needs and just always found myself conforming to the other person in hopes that if I changed myself they would want me. Well, now at the age of 43 I have learned that that is no longer acceptable. So he knows I am going to be me and be honest with him. He constantly tells me that he wants me to be me and likes when I speak up and talk to him (but I am afraid of pushing him)- is 6 months too long to wait for him to make a move? He is already talking about different things we will do next summer- golf courses he like to play with me, places he like to go with me on the boat, etc. So while we are not making "plans" does him talking about those things mean in his mind we are going to be together? I know no one can read his mind or predict what he will do but are these signs I should be looking for? I know I'm not seeing objectively right now which is why I need help.

I have told him how wonderful I feel with him- that I am so happy I can just be me and that he is happy with that. He said he feels the same way- that it is comforting and relaxing to be with me because we're happy with virtually no effort. We genuinely enjoy each others company- (this is what he says all the time).

Thank you all for listening