[Martian536]

Hi All,
I'm going thru a major life crisis right now.. I was engaged to my fiance of whom I've been with for 8.5 years.. basically its like we've been married already because we've cohabitated for several years..

I just proposed to her this January and the first fight we had (due to my insecurity and jealousy) was at the end of April.. she immediately walked out and moved out.. she went on a 2 month break with barely in contact to me... I respected her space and then she met me last Thursday and gave me back the ring and called off the engagement.. I don't know if I'll ever see her again but I hate myself for being mentally sick over the past several years..

I was never a jealous person until she came into my life.. I met her and she swooped me off my feet... While we were casually dating (we were already kissing and all), she told me she was a virgin... I respected that and wanted to wait until we were ready... so anyway, a few weeks later, I drop her off to the airport because she's going back to her hometown.. I met her when she was 18 and right after she moved out of high school for college..

Anyway, she comes back and we continue dating some more.. until the night we first got intimate, i found out she gave it up to some high school fling that she would never ever see again... they weren't even official or anything..

I felt betrayed, I felt like I was second place and I didn't understand why she did that.. I never got involved in any love triangle until she put me in one..

So anyway, that was in the beginning.. then a few months after we became official, I asked her to stop talking to some other dude that she had a fling with (because of what happened).. she took the guy's name off her Instant Messenger in front of me.. a few weeks later, I noticed he was back on.. her excuse was "he's just a friend".. I was even devastated more.. It felt so disrespectful after how she hurt me the first time...

So that was all in the first year of our relationship..

fast forward 8.5 years later, i lost my job over the past year and have been unemployed.. I've been feeling low lately and don't feel secure about myself.. OVer the last year, I've caused petty arguments with her about her loyalty to me.. She's the type thats very friendly to everybody and her two sisters moved down to the area and now she's more occupied than ever.. I guess I was starting to miss her attention right when I needed it the most..

Then we got into a super major argument about her cousin who cheated on my friend and is now pregnant with the new dude's baby and forced to marry the guy..I automatically clumped her with her and brought back the past again...

this is when she walked out and couldn't take it anymore..


I need therapy and want to know whats the best way.. I can't really afford therapy sessions but I've read self-help books like "Love Without Hurt" .. it teaches me to train myself with compassion and I 100% realize how much resentment she's been building because we would always sweep it under the rug and she would never openly tell me to seek help.. I guess she thought I could handle my jealousy emotions myself...

I broke her identity apart and I never saw this coming.. I am about to buy that program on nomorejealousy.com , they explain how to cope with jealousy after an affair .. she thinks its not an affair because she says she didn't love me yet but it still hurts because she put a guy between us... and I've read an article that says first impressions last a lifetime and if a girl cheats on you while you're dating her in the beginning, expect that to be her best behavior...

so I am too hard on myself? I hope my gf finds hte compassion to forgive me for not being able to truly forgive her (forget about the past)...