They've left me feeling a bit...embarrased again I think. I read them and thought this is what I would say to someone posting something similair to me.
I know...8 days. We did talk about it. Before he left I had texted him for 3 days, with no reply. He said that he had night shift, 12 hours, at the hospital and then came home drained and hit the bed.
When he texted back day 3 he only said " Where are you?? I'm online!!" Can you imagine how I felt? We usually text at least once/day so I was getting worried something had happened. I texted him back saying what a careless idiot he was etc. That text message upset him. He had sneaked in to use the internet at the hospital, something they are not allowed to do, to chat to me. We obviously did not chat. And he left that evening to a different Island for another 8 days ( I DID NOT KNOW THIS 'TILL HE WAS BACK).
I understand he didnt have access to his phone as it wasn't working. But Internet? Come on, you can get on the internet wherever you are, especially when surrounded with students with laptops.
What this has done is that it has made me question him. Not whether he is up to something, but just as a person that I may not cope with when it comes to communication. No, I don't feel he has ever purposefully tried to hurt me, even a small thing. But it may be that he is taking me for granted, and thinks that these things are minor.
2sunny - yes you're right. I think he is self-absorbed in himself and his studies. I suppose he has to be to survive it. I have never met him in person yet. I do feel I know him to a great extent though as we've been in LDR for over a year, chatting, talking and web cam. He was due to come here, but I had plans and then he couldn't make it. He is however coming in May10 to stay for a year.
I didnt receive a text from him last night either. What I hate about all of this is that it makes me feel a "weaker" person for letting these things go or a "needy" person who seems to be discussing issues all the time, asking for consistency.
These miscommunications are affecting me; affecting my studies, affecting my personality and I don't think it is healthy.
Is it possibly better to just back off and let him contact me when he wants to? I don't want to break up with him over this. He is a good guy overall, very good.
Thank you so much for your advice. It helps me to hear your objective perspective.
If you guys have never met IRL, are you guys in a committed relationship? Have you both verbally agreed not to see other people?
Yes, we are dgiirl. We did agree a long time ago and I'm not worried about this aspect at all. I am sure that he is commited to me. But I'm worried that he's taking me for granted and is not recognising that I am making more of an effort than he is. I sometimes don't feel appreciated. But worse than that; his lack of consistency in terms of communication is not making me feel good.
What exactly is he doing to show his commitment to you?
1. Promising to come to the UK in 6 months to live and work for a year.
What else?
Many thanks for responding Lucky_One.
Well;
1. He has expressed his wish to marry me many times. He says he is sure that I am the one for him. I don't actually doubt that this is how he truly feels.
2. He has booked tickets to come to see me twice this year - first time I asked him to change the date due to scheduele clash and a fear of my own to meet him so soon. He then tried again in summer but it fell through due to passport problems. It expired 5days before his return flight. He was very sad about it. He lost the money he had saved for his ticket as well.
3. He will move to the UK to work and live after his training. This is because I can't work in the US without going through exams after exam and tough competition. So he has said that he will move and that I don't have to worry about this.
4. He does come and chat to me most times. It's the odd moments when he fails to respond that I don't get. But I am always the one initiating our chat time and texts. I am the initiator, him the responder. I am also the one who calls. He has called sometimes, especially if he has felt that things were not ok between us.
5. He has told his brother, mother and friends about me.
Everything between us are mainly promises for the future. What type of commitment did you mean Lucky_One? How does a guy in a LDR show commitment?
his lack of effort and action shows that he is not interested enough to communicate regularly. he knows how you feel when he does this to you yet he continues on this way. does this sound like a caring man that loves you and would be willing to move mountains to be sure that you feel loved and happy?
i would back WAAAAAY off! allow him to see and feel that you find his inactions unacceptable and offensive.
unless you just want to continue rewarding his bad behavior by constantly contacting him begging for him to reach you. does this look desperate and needy to you too?
and BTW, if you've not met him... you don't really know him. you are just basing your premise of him by his words - which actually mean nothing... anyone can say or type anything they want to. his actions - or lack of - is your benchmark.
my gut says he's not into you - no time, no effort... equals no interest. ooops, except when it's just convenient for him to be reminded that someone cares.
Assuming the guy had actually booked tickets before (I don't know her history, though), and it failed because of unavoidable problems, it surely can't be construed as a lack of effort.
I also disagree that you can't really know someone before meeting them. Oftentimes, when words are compelled to be the only medium of communication, people tend to be more open when talking about themselves, and greater emphasis is placed on truly knowing the person's mind, as opposed to if one was distracted by outward appearances and superficial activities.
But I digress. I agree that OP should back off.. the lack of contact is truly worrisome, IMO.
his lack of effort and action shows that he is not interested enough to communicate regularly. he knows how you feel when he does this to you yet he continues on this way. does this sound like a caring man that loves you and would be willing to move mountains to be sure that you feel loved and happy?
i would back WAAAAAY off! allow him to see and feel that you find his inactions unacceptable and offensive.
unless you just want to continue rewarding his bad behavior by constantly contacting him begging for him to reach you. does this look desperate and needy to you too?
and BTW, if you've not met him... you don't really know him. you are just basing your premise of him by his words - which actually mean nothing... anyone can say or type anything they want to. his actions - or lack of - is your benchmark.
my gut says he's not into you - no time, no effort... equals no interest. ooops, except when it's just convenient for him to be reminded that someone cares.
2sunny, thank you for your advice. It was a little hard to take. Maybe because I know you are partly right. I'm not sure I agree with it all though.
The thing is I actually do believe he is into me, my gut instinct says THIS. He does chat to me, he cares, he listens and gives me advice about things. He is a good friend, fun to talk to and I have a lot in common with him. We've had our ups and down during this year, and many times I have had to learn to communicate my feelings and not just shut down on him. I have appologised for times that I made things difficult. I changed and it became much easier. When we talk, we can talk for ages.
However I do agree that I may not know all of him as I haven't met him. I agree.
I also agree that his actions are not sufficient as they clearly are causing upset to me. He was like this from the start. Not calling, expecting me to ring. Waiting for me to contact him. And if I didn't he would eventually do it. I always thought a guy "chases" a girl at first, to get her attention etc. When I said this to him he said that it doesn't matter who calls and it;s not about scoring points. I didn't agree, but I let go of it.
You said "he knows how you feel when he does this to you yet he continues on this way". I think you're right. And I think this statement made me decide not to call him tonight. I have to admit I was considering it. And I have to admit that maybe this is what he is expecting.
More than anything else, I'm spending quite some time thinking about these things. Time that I need to spend on my school work.
But thank you. You comments made me step back a bit and think. Maybe I just need encouragement to step back. I don't know. So thanks.
1. He has expressed his wish to marry me many times. He says he is sure that I am the one for him. I don't actually doubt that this is how he truly feels.
Words, not actions. He has not proposed; he has not given you a ring; he has not worked on a plan with you for where you two will live as a family. On the flip side, I don't see how anyone CAN propose without having met - foolish and thoughtless if he HAD proposed. You simply can't judge chemistry online.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs_AJ
2. He has booked tickets to come to see me twice this year - first time I asked him to change the date due to scheduele clash and a fear of my own to meet him so soon. He then tried again in summer but it fell through due to passport problems. It expired 5days before his return flight. He was very sad about it. He lost the money he had saved for his ticket as well.
Actions - those are good. And what further action has he taken on coming to meet you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs_AJ
3. He will move to the UK to work and live after his training. This is because I can't work in the US without going through exams after exam and tough competition. So he has said that he will move and that I don't have to worry about this.
At this point, words. He has not actually done this. He has talked about it. Has he sent you emails/copies/etc of definitive plans/agreements between him and the school or the hospital that will be employing him? Has he found a permanent address already, or retained an agent to help him locate living quarters?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs_AJ
. He does come and chat to me most times. It's the odd moments when he fails to respond that I don't get. But I am always the one initiating our chat time and texts. I am the initiator, him the responder. I am also the one who calls. He has called sometimes, especially if he has felt that things were not ok between us.
Actions, but easy and sketchily done. He is not a good consistent communicator.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs_AJ
5. He has told his brother, mother and friends about me.
Words. Has his mother called you to tell you how happy she is that her son has found his future wife? Are there plans to get together to meet? In other words, can you corroborate what he told his family about you? A very serious, long-term GF that he is hoping to marry, or did he tell them that you were a good friend from online?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs_AJ
How does a guy in a LDR show commitment?
How do we show commitment to each other? (I acknowledge that we are far closer (1.5 hours) although we both travel a LOT for work and are often on different sides of the US or in different continents.)
Well, we have a set communication schedule; we don't miss it. If he can't talk at the end of his work day bc a meeting runs over, he texts me to tell me so. We always tell each other good night, and if he is in the UK and I am in the states, then he says good morning when I tell him good night.
We see each other frequently, and we always have a schedule set up for the next monrh or so of when we will be together.
Holidays are spent together; the one with the easiest schedule at that time is the one who does the travelling to each other's families, but time is always made to spend at each family's home, even if it is very short/inconvenient/expensive. We speak with each other's families to coordinate Christmas and birthday gifts, and his mom even sent me her recipe for the cake he loves for his birthday.
We have a timeline on how our life together will progress. We are looking for a house in a town that is sort of halfway between our two residences now, and when his rental contract is up, he will move there. We will marry sometime during my son's senior year in HS, and then move in with him that summer; my son needs to stay at his current school for various reasons, and our desire to live together permanently is tempered by our joint desire to do what is best for my son.
We make decisions on vehicles together, vacation plans together, appliance purchases together, pet decisions together.
We share all aspects of our lives together, with the large exception of being able to spend every night in the same bed or even be in the same state.
have you ever done a backround check on him? it is wise...
you have no idea if he has been absolutely honest with you. i would check.
he acts as a married or committed man would. only available to you when it's at HIS convenience.
i'd check, suddenly my MM radar is at full blast... i think there are things you don't know about him - especially since you have never actually met. this sort of strange stuff happens here all the time - wouldn't surprise me a bit - i bet he's married or have a full time girlfriend. ask him, and check his history. words are meaningless until proof is given.
Words, not actions. He has not proposed; he has not given you a ring; he has not worked on a plan with you for where you two will live as a family. On the flip side, I don't see how anyone CAN propose without having met - foolish and thoughtless if he HAD proposed. You simply can't judge chemistry online.
Actions - those are good. And what further action has he taken on coming to meet you?
At this point, words. He has not actually done this. He has talked about it. Has he sent you emails/copies/etc of definitive plans/agreements between him and the school or the hospital that will be employing him? Has he found a permanent address already, or retained an agent to help him locate living quarters?
Actions, but easy and sketchily done. He is not a good consistent communicator.
Words. Has his mother called you to tell you how happy she is that her son has found his future wife? Are there plans to get together to meet? In other words, can you corroborate what he told his family about you? A very serious, long-term GF that he is hoping to marry, or did he tell them that you were a good friend from online?
How do we show commitment to each other? (I acknowledge that we are far closer (1.5 hours) although we both travel a LOT for work and are often on different sides of the US or in different continents.)
Well, we have a set communication schedule; we don't miss it. If he can't talk at the end of his work day bc a meeting runs over, he texts me to tell me so. We always tell each other good night, and if he is in the UK and I am in the states, then he says good morning when I tell him good night.
We see each other frequently, and we always have a schedule set up for the next monrh or so of when we will be together.
Holidays are spent together; the one with the easiest schedule at that time is the one who does the travelling to each other's families, but time is always made to spend at each family's home, even if it is very short/inconvenient/expensive. We speak with each other's families to coordinate Christmas and birthday gifts, and his mom even sent me her recipe for the cake he loves for his birthday.
We have a timeline on how our life together will progress. We are looking for a house in a town that is sort of halfway between our two residences now, and when his rental contract is up, he will move there. We will marry sometime during my son's senior year in HS, and then move in with him that summer; my son needs to stay at his current school for various reasons, and our desire to live together permanently is tempered by our joint desire to do what is best for my son.
We make decisions on vehicles together, vacation plans together, appliance purchases together, pet decisions together.
We share all aspects of our lives together, with the large exception of being able to spend every night in the same bed or even be in the same state.
Again, thank you for your comments Lucky_One.
I know these are just words of his and not actions. I have told him I would need to meet him of course and get to know him in person. He understands this. This is why he is coming to stay for some time so we can have that time together.
He told me which hospital he is coming to and the name of it. I believe him. He has already made the choice to come. If he indeed does not come - then I may re-think. Not because he couldn't make it or there were a change of plans. But because I would think that he actually doesn't follow through with things, for whatever reason and that I am not prepared to just wait for things to happen.
But no he hasn't sent me confirmation of this. I've never really felt I need confirmation. He has no reason to lie. He can't "gain" anything from me. He knows he can't fool me. And he has never asked me for anything. I think someone suggested whether I had sent him money. NO. So I do trust him. He's just not pulling his weight in terms of communication.
SO YES - I agree that he is not a consistent communicator. And this is causing me a lot of grief at times.
I haven't spoken to his mother. I am not ready to at this stage. I haven't met him yet, so wouldn't take it to the level of getting to know his mother.
I understand that you and your SO are very committed to each other and that your lives are very much interwoven. But I suppose that this came after having met each other, after time, effort and plans. And I like your scheduele. Maybe that is something we need to adopt.I am hoping that by him coming we can decide where we want to go with this.
I feel like I need to find a way to survive the next 2 months - he will then be leaving his flat in the Carribean to live in the States for 5 months for rotations before coming to the UK. I am hoping that his communication efforts will pick up in the States. I am saying this because 1) His internet is very very bad at the moment. It cuts out on us all the time and a conversation can take far longer to establish than expected due to this. 2) He can't tell me that it costs him to much to call. I know it's cheap enough from the States.
So all in all - it is a waiting game. I think I have already bought into his vision of what life we could have. I was reluctant to do so because of the way I am feeling right now. I get upset that he doesn't make a little more effort in texting me, calling me, emailing me. He called yesterday and I didn't recognise his voice. I was like "HAllooo???" . He called with a concerned voice. I hadn't contacted him all day so he thought I was in a foul mood. I was pleasently surprised he called and my heart warmed to him - of course. But I was also casual about it. I realised that this is because he doesn't call often.
Today is a long day. I haven't received anything from him. Being a weekend it would have been nice of him to text me. Even if he is busy.
I think I just have to wait and see. I have begun to put down the phone instead of texting him. I haven't been logged on to messenger. It's hard because it shouldnt be this way. But I don't want him to take me for granted. I feel that I have been giving more in this relationship than he has.
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And I have to admit that maybe this is what he is expecting.
Hybrid Mode
