[ann09]

Originally Posted by carhill

RE: smell.... understand completely. It not really something you can quantify on an objective scale. You just 'know'. Having had the experience of both, I can readily and easily see (or rather smell) the difference. With one person, their smell is almost borderline offensive and with another, a potent aphrodisiac. I've noted this phenomenon with smells which ordinarily would be mildly offensive, like strong body or vaginal odors (obviously the reverse for you, wrt genitals).

My questions were more an invitation for reflection than a request for recitation or response. You sound like you've already made your decision and are looking for a place to release some of the emotion. That said, the questions resulted from our 14 months of work in MC and how we came to the realization of the hows and whys of our incompatibilities. That clarity certainly has helped me in the divorce process. I don't know if it helped my stbx. She does seem happier now, which is what I'm hearing from you; the desire to be happy and how this dynamic inhibits you and/or sucks the happiness out of you.

We don't have children, so I really know nothing of that reality (children and divorce) but can imagine the depth of your concern for their emotional well-being during this time.

One answer that could help me would be whether you were ever 'in love' with one of those 'bad guys' and, if so, in retrospect, do you feel you 'settled' for your current H? If so, those experiences may be adjunct to your attraction style and whether/how it is healthy for you. Obviously, you've changed in the interceding years. Time will tell how those changes have impacted you.

I hope you find what you're looking for

I have been in love before. But looking back to when I was with my husband, I think I honestly felt not having all those "heady" feelings - the butterflies etc was a good thing. I felt like it was more mature - in fact it was almost business like. He took control and care of me. Made me open up a bank account - save money - stop spending. We bought our first house when everyone else was living in their parents basements or apartments. I felt like such a grown up! Looking back in retrospect, I wish we struggled a little - I wish we allowed ourselves to have more fun - be young and silly. But he isn't like that. I am. I let him mold me and make me who he wanted me to be.

Re the smell thing. I love that you know what I am talking about. It's such a strange phenomenom to me. I do find it offensive. And like I said, this is a clean man who takes very good care of himself. Even when I open my closet and smell his clothes I get repulsed. I don't mean to sound cruel - I would never tell him this - I do care about him and his feelings. He knows I don't find him attractive - but I have never said those words.