[uptownb0y]

I posted a thread a little earlier about my marital issues. ("Advice needed... Unhappy, considering divorce")

Last night, after thinking about this for many months, I felt it was time to end the marriage. I sat very still and and just quietly thought about what I was about to do, for over an hour.

Then I walked into the bedroom, sat on the bed, and started by saying, "I just don't think this is working out." Many tears and a long conversation followed. The end result was that I left last night and got a hotel room.

She wanted me to stay for "one more night", but I did not want to prolong it. I felt that the longer I stayed, the more likely it was to turn ugly (major screaming and crying) or we would just repeat the same conversation over and over, with her begging me to stay. (Which she did.)

I told her all of my reasons for leaving. She was incredibly sweet about it; she was only cold once or twice in the conversation, but otherwise she was just hurt and brokenhearted.

I feel like an ass. And I probably am. She is truly a wonderful person, but I just felt too smothered and I don't think she can stop being so clingy. I was not happy in our relationship, though she was.

We discussed whether it was a divorce or a separation. I told her that I don't think we're going to work things out and get back together. I told her I don't want to give her false hope. Then I walked out.

I still have feelings for her. Very much so. But I really feel that I'm doing the right thing. Just the sense of freedom and lightness that I had last night after leaving the house, shows me that I'm going to be fine. I will handle this much easier than her. And I worry about her, because she did discuss suicide a couple of months ago. Even without that, I worry about her having a mental breakdown or something. I will be worrying about her for quite some time, I'm sure.

So I got into the office this morning, checked my messages. She had called my Mom & Dad, my sister, my uncle, and told them I'd left. My sister & uncle left messages on my voicemail. I'd rather not call them back because it seems like it's not time to drag every family member into this. I can discuss it with them when it's over, not now. Their purpose in calling might be to dissuade me, and that won't happen so it's pointless.

Now I have to figure out how we proceed. Last night, we basically agreed to take a few days and think about this. However, I said that I don't feel we can work things out, so to me this is just a delay before the real proceedings begin.

I have to put the house up for sale and get a lawyer (maybe find one of those cheap "$99 Divorce" ads). Most importantly, I have to figure out how to get back over there, and divide up our stuff without prolonging the agony of being around her as she begs me to stay.

I guess I need advice on how to handle this situation. She knows that it's most likely permanent, but she is clinging to some shred of hope -- not one I gave her, mind you -- that this could be fixed. What I'm sorta expecting will happen is this:

No contact with her today.

Tonight: Long phone call. This is obligatory I think. We will cover the same ground many times over, with me explaining and re-explaining the reasons I left. This call will last well into the night, with me finally refusing to answer the phone.

Tomorrow: Same as today, same long call at night.

Day after tomorrow: Mail divorce papers to her (I think). I don't know how all that stuff works.

Following days: She gets a ticket back to Ohio (where her family and friends are), and I go over there to divide up our stuff. Put the furniture up for sale. Long sessions of dividing up stuff while she begs me to stay.

I hate the pain I've caused her. I hate the fact that I'm being such a jerk and I have to continue being one in order to end this.

Any advice is appreciated. I'm in shell-shock right now.

--jordan