[RevJPC]

My story is “interesting”… I think? You tell me.

I was married once before, my first wife died of colon cancer 6 years ago. I married again fairly quickly after she died, to a woman that was much much different from my first wife. We were and are very different people. I went through some very tough times. I abused alcohol and drugs, and therefore my wife and children (never physically, but as a result of the drugged lifestyle). My wife put up with a ton of ****. I was not a good husband to her. After she kicked me out the third time, I went out with some friends and happen to meet up with a girl that I had dated many many years earlier, and still held a torch for. I progressed in the relationship very quickly. My wife and I fought pretty hard over the kids, and in the end she won both of them. Before we were even divorced, my relationship with the other woman started to fall apart, my wife and I started to hang out together. We went out one night, had a few drinks, and did what people do in that situation. At that time she was dating a fireman, whom she was very fond. Over the course of the next year, things went up and down with my girlfriend, and things went sporadically with the ex and her fireman as well. We continued to sleep together, hang out, and generally “date”. It was easy, and since we have children together it is especially easy.

My relationship with this girlfriend finally came to a complete halt in February. I have a place of my own, but stay with my ex-wife at least 5 days a week. I felt like our “relationship” was progressing towards a possible reconciliation. I have stabilized in a lot of different ways in my life, and would very much like to have my family back. I am in love with my ex-wife. I love being around my kids all the time, and I love being with her. I have passion with her, that is higher than it ever was when we were married. I absolutely LOVE making love with her. We know each other very well in this area, and make each other feel very good. I like the whole package, there is no uncertainty about my desire to be back together with her.

Now… the problem.

She definitely still has feelings for the fireman. He has been in and out of her life, but she would honestly like to be with him. He tells her in no uncertain terms that he does not want a relationship with her. When he is in between girlfriends, he calls her, and they go out once or twice and she becomes very enamored with him. He doesn’t treat her poorly, but I think that he uses her to a certain extent, albeit I believe unintentionally. Honestly, they have only seen each other about 15 times over the year plus that they have dated off and on, it’s never been a very involved relationship. Here is the funny thing. When things are going the best between him and her… she seems to be the happiest with me. We sleep together regularly; she kisses me and tells me she loves me, etc etc. They have talked on the telephone regularly. Last week, a mutual friend of there’s asked her out for drinks. This guy is actually the one that set her up with the fireman. So they go out for a drink, he tries to put the moves on her a bit, citing that they have “sexual tension” between them, and also tells her that the fireman is dating someone. She was quite upset about the fact that he is dating someone. She seemed to go into fridged mode. I would crawl into bed with her, and she would push me away. I would sleep in the bed she’d sleep on the couch. If I tried anything, she’d turn me down.

I realize that this story now seems pretty twisted, but the truth is, that I want to be with her. I want to be her first choice, but I don’t see that happening. In my mind I know the problems that we will face if we do “get back together”. I will be horribly insecure with her and the fireman. I will cringe when the phone rings. I will fear that they will see each other etc. But on the other side, I truly want to be with her AND my kids. I want my family back and I know that I will have to endure some pain that in a lot of ways I created. If I hadn’t ****ed up the relationship in the first place, we wouldn’t be here. I do not want to meet another woman, with or without kids, and try to make another family. I want the one that I have… the one that is there. I spilled my guts out to her a while back and told her “I know that my timing sucks. I understand that this is going to be a lot of work and very difficult. But I am in love with you and I want to be a family!”. She questions my sincerity, and I don’t blame her. I left when things were bad, how could she trust that I wouldn’t do it again? Hell, I was telling her 6 months ago that this girlfriend was the love of my life! I’m fickle like The Pope is Catholic!

So, with that all said, last night she made love with me. Among the hundreds of times we have made love, it was mediocre. Sex is definitely like pizza, even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty damn good, and this certainly wasn’t bad by any means, it just wasn’t one for the record book. Like the time we did it standing up outside of the car, mid-day, just off a busy road. Or when I made her come while she was sitting in the driveway at my parent’s house with our two children wide-awake in the backseat. Or the time we went to a friend’s party took a very small hit of ecstasy, and must have done it for 15 hours straight. I can vividly remember many times over the past year that we have had passion like no other. By comparison I really cannot recall anytime with the girlfriend. I feel like I know my ex-wife’s body like it was my own. I can touch her with my fingers and it almost feels like I am touching myself. All of this has come about since we separated. Although I am still the same person I was while I was married to her, I am now in the state-of-mind, that she always wanted me to be, while we were married. To me, it seems like we could potentially have a really fabulous relationship and family, if she would let it happen. I would much rather stay at home with her and watch a movie with her on any Friday or Saturday night now. I am in love with her, with my family, and everything that goes along with it. I am passionate about it.

One more tiny thing and then I’ll post and wait for responses. We also are working together. It could be a soap opera… but I think it would be too much J