[christiecat]

I need some advice because the guy I care for has been sending me mixed signals and I am very confused at this point!

Here's the history of our relationship: I met him about 5 years ago and we became pretty good friends. I told him that I liked him and one weekend after about 5 months we ended up sleeping together a few times and I thought he wanted to be with me. But after that weekend he said things couldn't continue because he was about to go off to college. So he moved away and we lost touch. I never really got over that. I kept thinking about him. And the fact that I didn't get over him ruined the next two relationships I had. Even though he'd hurt me and I had no idea where he was I couldn't help feeling like he was 'the one.'
Well, almost 2 years ago I searched for him online and found his email address. I sent him a letter and he replied and sounded really happy to hear from me. We continued to send letters and then a few months after that he said he'd be in my state for a few days and wanted to see me. Before I agreed to that I confessed to him how much what had happened years before had hurt me and that I cared for him. He apologized for hurting me and he did come visit. As soon as I saw him I knew that I still had very strong feelings for him. We had a really good visit. After he left I wrote him and told him that I really cared for him and he replied that he felt the same way and that we'd see what we could do about it during the new year (he wrote that on new years day last year).

Well, it's been a year and a 1/2 since then. We still write each other and I have told him that I love him and want to be with him. He has sent me very mixed signals. He'll write me and say semi-sweet things and act as if he cares and then I won't hear from him for a long time. And any time I try to talk about our relationship he acts as if I'm being melodramatic and annoying, but then a few weeks later he'll say something nice again. I have asked him many times if he wants to ever be with me and he usually replied with something to the effect of 'what will be will be.' He'd never give me a straght answer. And I haven't been able to move on. Other guys have pursued me, but I push them away because I have my heart set on being with him.
Recently he asked me to come visit and before I really decided to I told him that if he never wants to have a real relationship with me then he should tell me before I go visit. He replied with something about how the words 'friend' and 'more than a friend' hold no sway with him. I decided I would go visit anyway and see what might happen. Well, while we were exchanging e-mails trying to decide when I could visit, he wrote me and told me that he has the same illness as me. (it's not an std, but I don't want to mention it here) He has known that I had the illness since we first met, but he never told me he had it. And he said that he didn't think we should be together because we're both ill. I wrote him and said that I don't want the illness to rule my life or our relationship and that I'm still willing to try and work things out. I didn't hear from him for weeks and so I wrote him and asked for a response to my letter. He replied the next day and basically said that I'm being melodramatic. But, he also said 'we'll be together soon, don't worry. and if we're not together soon then so be it." He didn't give any explanation as to why he changed his mind or what he means by 'we'll be together soon.'

I am so confused! I don't understand what he wants and he never opens up to me or gives straight answers. I really want to be with him, but I'm really sick of these mixed signals. And I have this horrible fear that I will wait around for him for a long time only to have him never actually choose to be with me. I already feel like I've been wasting my time on this. He lives in another country and I never see him or talk to him and I've pushed away so many nice guys because I'm waiting for him. I don't know if I should wait or try to move on. moving on hasn't worked in the past, but this confusing relationship is really getting to me. I feel like I want to be serious with him and spend my life with him, but he certainly isn't cooperating. All my friends tell me to move on, but my heart tells me to wait. I just don't understand why he won't give me a straight answer. I mean, either you want to be with someone or you don't. Am I being stupid? Any advice will be greatly appreciated!