[pandnh4]

ok, so today i'm really feeling the symptoms of withdrawal... she's been on my mind all day and although i've resisted checking up on her, it's been painfully hard... i've avoided myspace alltogether again today; man, that thing is so addictive and you don't even realize how routine it is to log in until you really have to avoid it... lol
earlier i felt desperate and anxious and almost caved but held my ground in the end... i read over a list i wrote yesterday about what i did and didn't like about my ex; this was an exercise my therapist recommended several months after my previous breakup last year... there were a bunch of positive things about her; in the end, of course, the negative outweighed the positive but i really feel like i dug deep to find alot of bad things about her...
i also read over something i wrote about a fight we had back in mid-january; i felt guilty about alot of things i said and did, especially cause she was trying to be sweet, but the moment i mentioned something that was bothering me she became all vicious and spiteful... maybe i did add some drama to the relationship by opening my mouth sometimes but it's just because she often never followed through with alot of things that she talked about or that i requested...
anyway, just wanted to vent a little... it's been a very slow day at work and since i sit at a computer it's really tempting to just log on to myspace... didn't feel hungry until pretty late in the afternoon and really had to force-feed myself but i had a good lunch nonetheless...
wow, 16 days since the breakup and nc (if we disregard indirectly breaking nc online; otherwise it's only 2 days)... sometimes i wish that she would just call me to check up on me or say i miss you, even just hi, how's it going? i wish she wanted me back, regardless of what i would do, just so i feel more power and control... as time progresses though i begin to see the futility of it all and it just hurts more... why am i still in denial and unable to bury this whole nightmare?