[fleta1028]

Please help me get through this.

I posted the beginning of my story elsewhere but can't find it so I will try and make a brief recap...sorry for those who have already seen this.

My ex and I met during a show we were both involved in last October. We started dating, and everything was going so well...better than anything I had been part of for a long time. After a very short time, he started upping the "seriousness" factor of the relationship; i.e. everything he said and did made me convinced that he absolutely loved me to death. We went on this way for about 3 months, then very suddenly he broke up with me. He was never much of a talker, and never gave me a reason for breaking up with me. Well, needless to say, I was crushed.

Two weeks later I ran into him when I was out and we ended up going home together (nothing intimate happened though). The next day I told him that I wasn't interested in friends with benefits, but that if he wanted to start over and take things slowly, to just give me a call. He called 2 days later and we started dating again, or so I thought. After a few weeks of this though, it still didn't feel right. So I asked him what was going on and he couldn't answer me. Then he told me that he just wanted to be single and didn't see a future with me. However, at the end of the night he asked me to come home with him. We had this horrible evening where I was crying in bed with him and he was holding me, part of the time telling me how I was a "beautiful angel," and the other half telling me how he was an a**hole and that I should find someone better. The next morning he gave me a kiss and told me he'd call me later, just like always. I was so confused and crushed by the whole thing that I told him the next day that we couldn't talk anymore.

So I initiated NC about 10 weeks ago. Other than running into him once at an audition I never had any contact with him at all. The problem was though, that we have a lot of mutual friends, and they seemed to rejoice in going back and forth and telling me and him what we're both saying and doing. So though I never had any direct contact with him, I was constantly being informed of his actions. After a month and a half of NC, I started getting better.

Everything changed a few weeks ago, when a friend of a friend started doing karaoke at a bar that happened to be across the street from the bar that my ex works at on Saturday night. I decided to go, since I knew he would be working and I wouldn't have to see him. The problem was that our friends were going back and forth between the two bars, and kept reporting to me what he had said. I had heard the following things from them:

1. That he was mad that of all the bars in the city, that I had to be at one across the street from him.
2. That when his friends decided to come across the street to the other bar that they were "stabbing him in the back"
3. That I had a "team" that all was against him.
4. When he was talking about his new girlfriend, he had a slip of the tongue and said my name instead.

Last saturday after hearing these reports from the 4th person that evening, I decided to go over there and tell him that the drama was getting to be too much and that maybe we need to learn how to coexist. THIS WAS A BIG MISTAKE. He was working, we were both drunk, and he was (I'm sure) convinced that I was trying to corner him. The next day, I left a voicemail for him explaining that I know it wasn't the best idea, but I had only the best of intentions. I didn't hear back from him, and that's ok. But the problem is that I've now regressed months in my healing now that I've seen him and talked to him. I'm analyzing everything I said and did that night and thinking how wrong it was and how I should have just let him alone. I'm so sad that I saw him and fell in love with him all over again, though it's apparent that he doesn't want me. And now I don't know what to do...it's just like the beginning again, where I wake up in the morning feeling like crying and all I want is to talk to him but I know I can't.

I don't know where else to turn. All my friends are tired of hearing about this, and many of them are too far in the middle of everything for me to feel comfortable talking to them anymore. And I'm feeling like everyone knows what happened, but no one is talking about it, and that he's been talking badly about me for having done it...I can feel that when I'm around some people. It's so hurtful, because all I want is to not feel this pain anymore and I don't know how to make it stop. I don't want to lose my friends, but they all remind me so much of him and it's devestating.

Thank you for reading this, though it is long. Please send me some advice if you have been through such a thing.