[TMCM]

1. Validate. My FUW [former unfaithful wife ] was constantly invalidating me. It didn't matter how I felt or what I thought, rather it was why I wasn't feeling or thinking how she saw I "OUGHT" to. Even after D-day. I was already so unsure of myself in every aspect - my judgement, my powers of observation, my manhood and sexuality - that I was particularly vulnerable to this sort of manipulation. For example, I actually believed that I was responsible for my wife's A. In fact, I deserved it because I was so unable to be what she needed.

The fact is, we have to be honest as to who we are. My FUW gave me the distinct impression that she did not love me, but loved what I should be.

2. Forgiveness. I see a lot of FUS [former unfaithful spouses] who can bleat on the one hand "I've made a mistake, I'm only human. Forgive me!", yet on the other hand they are so unforgiving of their BS's actions which may have caused or contributed to the marital chasm. The fact is, if you want your spouse to forgive you, you must forgive them for the pre-A factors.

Recognize your spouse is human. Sure, you've made a mistake - you don't want to be crucified for it. Well, don't expect your cuckolded H to be perfect. Allow him the same latitude for mistakes - and learning from them - that you want for yourself.

3. Amends. You have committed a grievous injury to your family, but especially to your spouse. You have robbed them of their world, treated them like an inferior, and trampled over their esteem, emotions and self-worth. Sorry isn't enough. "Let's just get on with our lives" isn't, either.

Your spouse has lost that time you were in the A forever. There is no "do over". You owe them for that loss.

That's not to to say "sorry", or to want to build a better future. The key is to recognize that you must make up for this injury you've caused. You have to "make right" the wrong you've committed.

4. Emotional Needs. Chances are, if you were unhappy in your M, your spouse was, too, only they didn't have an A to meet those unfulfilled needs. They were waiting, hoping, praying that you'd do it. They probably would've died for the chance to fill your needs, too - if only they knew what they were.

My FUW expected me to intuitively know her needs had changed after childbirth, and to know what they were and how to fill them. When I didn't, she'd nag, cajole, and hector me. When I tried to talk about my needs, they were dismissed (invalidation again).

The trick is to recognize that we do change over our lives, and that we can't expect our spouses to have psychic foreknowledge.

But, what about your H's needs? Do you honestly think you were meeting his? Or, was it his job to meet yours first? In other words, are you the primary taker and expect him to be the primary giver?

As your spouse has an obligation to meet your needs, you have to meet theirs, too.

5. Sex. Your spouse is very likely feeling like the inferior in this department. After all, you chose OP over them, so they must be, right? If not, reassure them. Rebuild their self esteem. Show them that they are more desirable than OP, better, and more rewarding. And, take more interest in your spouse's sexual fulfillment.

However, perhaps it was something that can't be recreated or bettered with the spouse. What then? My FUW confessed how much better the sex was with OM (amazing!), how he was bigger and more talented, and how she'd never had anything like it before. Great - how do I compete with that?

6. "Winning" vs "Settling". Don't for a minute let your betrayed think that you are settling for them over OP. If you're making the "big sacrifice" of your soulmate for the sake of your kids, or your spouse, parents, or even the community at large - don't. As betrayed, we only get one life to live, too, and we don't want to waste it with someone who'd rather be somewhere else, with someone else.


TMCM