[smurfgirl]

Hi i need help, i will try to keep it short

i am suppose to be going to england to see my fiance on dec 3,(im from colorado) im suppose to stay with him until jan 12, we have our interview with the consulate in london so he can be granted his K1- Fiance Visa, so he can come into america and marry me . Im american 23, he is british 23, weve been dating for almost 4 years, we met online but its not a internet relationship

i lived in England with him for a year , and we have went back and forth to see each other alot, so we really do know each other well , i know his family , they love me and think we are perfect for each other , im family to them not just a internet fiance

my problem is i have not saw my bf since the end of January this year, we have been stuck away from each other for almost 11 months, we have never had sex with other people just each other, and i do not enjoy him sexually, but i have always just went along and ignored it because i loved him so much , ( the problem is he is big, i am not, so sex is pretty miserable for me, its actually to the point im sort of affraid to have sex with him )

to his credit everything except sex is good with him, we do satisfy each other,he is my best friend, and i cant imagine life without him , but he just cant get me off during sex because its too painful and just not even possible

my problem is ..... im really affraid to see him , i miss him like crazy , and have been miserable without him, but now im about to see him again , im more affraid then when we first met 4 years ago for the first time......

im affraid i dont love him anymore, and he would be devastated if i didnt, the reason i think this is ........ im scared to see him ,and i find myslef having sex dreams about other men, his brothers, friends, guys i dont know, everyone but him ....... and i think if i loved him i wouldnt dream such stupid horrible things......

also i have a father who is 83, has cancer and i would like to spend christmas with him, this will be the third christmas i have spent in england i just dont feel like going ...... and my cat just had surgery .....im horrified my cat or my dad will die when im gone.......

i feel like im picking between my dad and him , and my dad does not have long , but my ticket is already booked , its non refundable.....so i will have to just completely break up with him to not use it

should i just tell him i feel differently and i dont want to come over, or should i just go over because deep down i love him , i feel completely distressed over the entire thing ....i really think alot of it is the distance and time apart , but i feel like puking when i think of going to see him on dec 3

before this time apart besides the sex everything was perfect , i miss him so much , but im terrified to see him , im affraid i wont love him in person, and i would never hurt him on purpose...... i just feel so mixed up, i wear my engagement ring, ive never been unfaithful , the problem is when i wear it now i dont feel excited, it just feels like work ........ because weve been stuck in paperwork with immigration so long .......

PLEASE HELP