(long) question about the state of my marriage

simonaxa

hi all,

hoping for a little advice as feeling lost at the moment with my marriage. is this normal for a loving relationship ? ....

on average we (me and my wife of 8 years, i'm 30 she's 25) have sex 3 or 4 times a month, i ALWAYS start things off and 100% of the time we do have sex it involved me saying things like "oh go on", "please" etc (in what's turned out over time to feel like begging for it from her, which i resent a lot) before she says "oh go on then" like she's doing me some massive favour. 90% of the time i try and start something she says no and gets in a mood even though i dont get nasty or anything about it to justify this.

one reason for this she says, is that she is tired which i can fully understand as she looks after our 2 young children, but i work very hard (we have no money issues but i do work hard still) and although i'm sometimes very tired and stressed out with work, i still love my wife and want to "connect" with her physically and mentally and show my love for her with loving sex. i put most of it down to being tired until recently i've noticed that she normally goes to bed before me and then she's "too tired" but she can and does stay up late if she goes to her friends house or wants to watch a late 3 hour show on sky showing all the music hits of the 80's. recently, she plays computer games for a minimum of an hour at night but normally between 1 and 2 hours, then goes to bed "to tired" for anything. maybe i'm being over sensitive but with things like that, i feel she'd rather watch tv shows and play computer games more than touch me.

i've asked her about it and she doesn't like to talk about sex and says she's tired and a new thing is that it hurts for many days after we have sex. i feel that if this is true, and she wants to have sex with me, why doesn't she find out or at least try to speak to a doctor about it and see if it can be sorted. if it were anything else that was wrong, e.g., she had a nose bleed and went rushing to the doctors and got blood tests, i asked her if she mentioned about it hurting after sex and to be honest i didn't believe that she even mentioned it, but she said she did and the doctor apparently said "that it's common and there's nothing they can do" and now the subjects closed on that with us <sigh>.

this has been going on like this for 2-3 years, certainly after the birth of our first child, however when i think back, sex was always when she wanted when the relationship was new and i can only think of a handful of times over 8 years when she has initiated sex with me. to make things even more complex though her dad died a few months back. i've not said how i really feel to her about this in detail, one because of the timing with her dad dying and two, i really dont think she'll listen or take anything i say in so there's no use. however, she is or at least should be aware of 10% of how i'm feeling. recently she has gone on a diet and got into working out and has lost a great deal of weight and she looks even more fantastic than normal, but things haven't improved sex wise.

this whole thing makes me feel like a pervert, begging my wife to sleep with me and if i had to try and chase her this much when i met her, i would have given up, but i love her very much and apart from no sex, touching or loving acts (including non sexual) we have a great life with 2 amazing little children. i dont want to have an affair and i certainly hope i never do, but i really feel that a big part of what makes me happy in life has been taken away from me by my wife and she does not care in the slightest. if i'm honest, i think i provide her with a nice lifestyle, i never moan or get in moods, i look after her, and although i really think this isn't the case, i do feel like the best thing she gets from me is my money and security. what frightens me most is the fact that i think she's "settled" in her marriage, i.e., she doesn't find me attractive any more but has settled for me because of the other things like security / money / no hassle etc that i provide. i've ask her about this (in a nice way) and she insists that she loves me and finds me attractive and she does want to have sex with me, but then weeks and months later nothing has changed.

sorry for such a long letter but i really dont know what to do. am i to blame for this as i'm too "soft" with her and have always done everything the way she wants it to be so this is why she does what she wants, or should i take some kind of action ? i did try to go 30 days without trying to start anything with her, i got to day 24 (she never seemed to notice that i haven't even wanted it) when i gave in and tried and she got in a mood again. maybe i'm a pervert and it's normal after 8 years to only have sex 3/4 times per month, i don't know. hopefully someone can offer some advice here.

thanks for reading all this,

simon