[BMWfan44]

Foremost let me start off by saying these forums have been very helpful. I have been reading them for the past few days and found many situations similar to mine. I feel this is one of the only places I can be honest, and not judged. So here goes my situation.

In a nutshell, I have been dating my girlfriend for 6 years. Met her when I was 20, when I joined a fraternity (she was in a sorority). The rest of my college career we were together. The first 2 years were excellent....lots of fun.

But my last year I started to morph as a person...transitioning from a college student to a responsible professional adult. She was 1 1/2 yrs behind me in school. So when I was working full time, she was still in school and our schedules were not in sync.

In about year 3 she started to gain a lot of weight. She was always a big girl, but she just gained so much weight that it ended up having a subconcious effect on me (so I think). I tried hard to see past it, but as a friend told me "your penis is talking to you..." I didn't want to have sex with her, and if we did the sex was not very exciting. It was so dull that I would either not finish, or would rather take care of it myself. Also, she was never very sexual of a person, so variety never existed...And I truely think that the weight had an indirect effect on our relationship. As she gained weight she became very bitchy with me, self-concious of herself, critical of others...

Anyways, I had an excellent opportunity to move to Las Vegas and buy a big house for cheap and get an excellent job. I moved with her support and the idea she would move out with me. I included her every step along the way, including picking out the upgrades inside the house.

I moved October 2003. The plan was for her to move out as soon as she finished school, (after her bachelors she enrolled in the teaching credential program - basically grad school). But it wasn't until after I moved that she dropped the bombshell on me that she wants to stay home an extra 6 months after graudation to teach in her home town. That will put her moving out in June 2005, over 18 months of a LDR.

Well, it has been tough for me. And this summer I was torn with dropping the relationship and going solo. I met a another woman who blew me away, but I didn't pursue anything...I wasn't sure if it was the fact that our relationship had been sour for so long, or I wanted someone different.

August she decided to have gastric bypass surgery. She has lost close to 50 pounds and feels great about herself since then. In September I broke it off as I convinced myself that it wasn't going to work. Note that it wouldn't be fair for me to propose having these doubts, and on the other hand not fair for her to move her entire life to Vegas without a committment from me...

I broke it off in person, labor day weekend (that friday). Saturday she called and wanted to talk. I knew that the breakup was too quick and clean, as I got a little choked up and didn't say the elaborate speech I had prepared....I just had a lump in my throat. So Sunday we met for coffee before my flight took off and it was very emotional. She thought I gave up on the relationship and was completey crushed. I got on that plane and I started listening to music and I couldn't help myself balling...thank god the plane was almost empty!

So that night I told my parents, in an unstable mental state, that I think I messed up and I don't know where I was going to go from there. I talked to my girlfriend that night and told her how I felt, she felt the same way. And weeks went by with uncertainty, talking now and then. The whole time I am thinking about points she brought up - for example, she is feeling better about herself, and she was open to criticism of her and noticed the negative points I had about her negative attitude...before the breakup she would never agree with me or look at herself objectively. Also, she had a point that her moving out to Vegas would be the first time we could concentrate on each other and our relationship...and our relationship will get back in sync, much like it was when we first started going out, as we will both be working regular business hours and living together...

So there it is...we got back together. She is still in CA, I am in Vegas. Plan is she will move out here summer 2005. But that includes 6 months of working AFTER graduation.....she insists on staying there for that time. Meanwhile, I am out trying to expand my social circle and trying to find friends...and I can't help but look at almost every woman that walks by...

I so much want to get out there and date...I have the means now more than I ever did. I have a nice house, nice car, stable finances, great personality...someone said I have the complete package. But on the other hand I am so NOSTALGIC and SENTIMENTAL (very very much so) that I can't stand the fact that I won't be able to look in her blue eyes again, or know how she is doing, as she has been a part of my daily life for 6 yrs. But part of me won't miss the fact that the sex is terrible....

Part of me wants to move on with life, get married, go to home depot on weekends, have kids, etc etc....but then part of me wants a wife I am 110% into when I come home....just ABSOLUTELY beautiful. Don't get me wrong, my girlfriend has a beautiful face, but her body won't ever be what I think I want it to be....and I know that is completely selfish and shallow of me, but I cannot deny how I feel....there is just something about being with a small girl. I myself am a bigger guy and have always "shot low" and dated big girls....but being with a small girl just makes me feel so ALIVE I can't explain it.

Part of me feels like I would be settling, and the other part doesn't feel that way...I definitely don't want to settle. I feel like I want to eat my cake and keep it too...ack!

So just to update you, the current plan is for her to move out here next summer and work on things. That means without a ring. That is a total 180 from her previous standpoint because she said she wants a committment for her to move her life. But I feel that I should know if I will marry her by the time she moves out here....ack!

There are so many similarities, yet so many differences, and I naturally highlight the differences as not being able to be myself...I just don't know.

Its the timeless question - is the grass greener on the other side? I guess thats why I am in Vegas, and either way I have to roll the dice...

HELP!