HELP please! 1st serious relationship - Having some emotional issues

25th October 2004, 4:01 PM

Hello

I am writing this because I guess I need some help sorting through some of the feelings I have about myself and my partner. We decided to come together in a serious relationship after being friends for 3 years and are now in our third month of being together. Things between us are going well, but I feel myself having some strange feelings inside and I am not sure what they are or what to do about them. I am hoping to find some guidance here.

I am 26 (female) and this is my first relationship. I've never really been the person that likes being "the girlfriend". I've always kept my distance and preferred to be "the friend". Perhaps because up until now, I had a lot of issues to sort out. The past two years of my life have been such a metamorphosis for me and I've put so much of my energy into becoming a healthy and better person. I quit drugs, slowed down my drinking, lost about 70 pounds, got back into college, and really have worked to figure out myself and re-define those relationships that are bad in my life. I think that my becoming healthier has allowed me to become more open to having a serious relationship. However, in all truth I know something is wrong with me right now...I feel so strange on the inside, almost hollow.

I've felt very ambivalent about my life over the past 2 or 3 months, since getting into this relationship...I've become quite depressed on the inside, but forced myself to appear happy on the outside. I dont want to come off to everyone as being a psycho...especially tp my bf. I dont want to scare him off. Perhaps this is why I am bringing my issues to the table in this forum..I prefer some honest and anonymous advice.

Essentially I think my sadness stems from the notion that, even with all the things I've accomplished, I still feel as though I have nothing..

I have no parents or family that are there for me.
I have few friends worth mentioning.
I wish I had more love in my life.
That people don't like me/are unable to connect to me because I am weird.

Can anyone relate here? Any advice?

I have no interest in seeing a counselor and feel that it is a waste of money. I also refuse to go on anti-depressants to cope with this. I'm trying to pull myself out without drugs.