Trying to Win My Ex Back...

Hi...it's been 1.5 months since my boyfriend broke up with me. Well, that was the first time. I asked him if I could visit 2 weeks after our break up, rode a bus over the weekend to see him, and we hooked up and I convinced him by the end of the weekend to get back with me. I'm such an idiot....NOT a good idea. I could tell he wasn't 100% on board, but I was so desperate. You see, the break up was mainly my fault...so I felt I needed to chase him to get him back.

So we decided to "give things another shot" and then 1.5 weeks later we were officially bf/gf again. Then he boke up with me 4 days after that. Oh, and to put this in context we are sorta long distance...we go to colleges an hour apart. I've only seen him once since the second "break up", and that was over Thanksgiving break. We went to lunch, and I ended up making out with him afterwards. He was all nice and sweet, and I thought maybe I had a chance of getting him back. But I'm too damn impatient.

Soooo....what should I do? I must add that I'm a freshman in college now, and I really can't afford to put much energy into getting him back. but I want some expert opinions on how I should proceed from here. We were together for 15 months and we both loved each other a lot. He still loves me, but because of the way I acted and other issues in his life he can't be with me right now.

Mainly I would like to know which is more effective in getting someone back:

going no contact until they contact you (in my case probably by text) and then texting him back, but never texting/calling first. And not texting/calling first until he asks me why I don't or gets frustrated. So like I slowly go back to contacting him, but kinda take whatever he gives me. As in, if he just wants to be friendly I go along with it...as long as he really is showing a desire to be friends and communicate again?

Or going no contact, and then even ignoring them when they contact you. If they are interested....they'll continue to try and talk to you and get more and more desperate. But not to indulge their efforts to get in contact until their voicemail messages or texts are showing a romantic/emotional desire to get back with you. Like "I really miss you" "I still love you and I want to talk." Or something like that? Would it piss them off if I ignored them and maybe more effective to send a text that said "I'm not ignoring you, but I'm just not ready to talk yet"?

you can't win back an ex who's in college. it's impossible and not a doable feat.

the end. there is no strategy for this one. it's FUBAR.

Why do you say that? I'm also in college. We also are from the same hometown so if he gets overly sentimental over xmas break...who knows? Why do you think it's not possible? Sorry, you might be right, but I guess I'm just a fool who likes to cling on to hope.

Guys don't get overly sentimental over the Christmas break. They get drunk, and play on their new video games. If they seem sentimental it is just to get in your pants.

"Getting someone back" very rarely works because it is not you who needs to put in the effort, it is him. It takes two to make a relationship work, but only one to end it. You cannot compensate for his lack of interest, no matter how much effort you put in yourself.

He still loves me, but because of the way I acted and other issues in his life he can't be with me right now.

Is that what he said? Sorry but it's BS. If he loved you then he would be with you. If he can't be with you then it is because he doesn't want to be with you.

Well, my ex is fairly sentimental for a guy, but I do doubt it'll make any difference in my situation. Yeah, and I've learned the hard way that just because he's being sweet, hugs me, and says he loves doesn't mean anything. He did all of that when I went to lunch with him over Thanksgiving break, and then wanted to make out afterwards. Of course, it just led to me getting his hopes up when he was just using me for female affection.

I don't know...I hurt him pretty bad before he broke up with me. I was stressing about my college classes (I'm a freshman) and I went off my meds for generalized anxiet disorder towards the end of last summer. Yeah, it was a really stupid decision. Since I was stressed we ended up getting in stupid arguments, and I felt like given my mental state it was best for us to take a break for the month of October. This really hurt him, but I took it all back the next day since it was making him sad and I missed talking to him. After the proposed "break" things just got worse, and then he broke up with me. I admit, part of my problem was because I was scared of how "serious" I thought our relationship was getting. We got together July 25th, 2009 and dated long distance last year since he is a year older than me. I'd sort of avoided looking this far into the future... I think I have some insecurity issues I need to work on.

All I know is... I feel like an idiot and wish i could change what I did. Despite the way I acted, he called me up 5 days after our break up to say he wanted to work thing out and would drive up in 2.5 weeks to talk about getting back together and see if thats what we wanted. But then his parents took away his car for his 16 year old brother to use, and they told him they were separating. All his ideas of getting back with me flew out the window after that, and he told me he couldn't. I did some research and found a bus system that did go between our 2 colleges and ran every day, but that didn't change his mind.

....I know there is nothing I can really do but maintain no contact and hope for the best. I just wouldn't mind some opinions. Do you think there is hope? He still loves me (although I'm sure his trust in me has been damaged).

I did some research and found a bus system that did go between our 2 colleges and ran every day, but that didn't change his mind.

That's because his decision wasn't based around lack of transport. That was just a convenient excuse to let you down gently, but you don't seem to "get the hint". If he wanted to get back with you then he would have been researching the bus system. You wouldn't need to force it on him. If he wanted to work things out then wild horses could not keep him away. His poor excuses reveal his lack of desire.

Do you think there is hope? He still loves me

I've learned the hard way that just because he's being sweet, hugs me, and says he loves doesn't mean anything.

... I think you answered your own question.

Go to college. Find someone new. Move on.

My bf broke up with me .. and he started calling 5 -6 weeks later ... ther is always hope if there was ever a real connection between u ... i dont think any ones circumstances are the same so noone can tell u what will happen or what he is REALLY feeling only he knows that... i would stop contact with him for awhile ... pull yourself together and become the person u want to b not what he wants u to b... if he comes back u may not feel the same ... i know i am not sure how i feel anymore about my bf ... take it one day at a time .. u dont have to b rude if he calls just b friendly and let him know u are doing GREAT ... and work on u in the mean time

My bf broke up with me .. and he started calling 5 -6 weeks later ... ther is always hope if there was ever a real connection between u ... i dont think any ones circumstances are the same so noone can tell u what will happen or what he is REALLY feeling only he knows that... i would stop contact with him for awhile ... pull yourself together and become the person u want to b not what he wants u to b... if he comes back u may not feel the same ... i know i am not sure how i feel anymore about my bf ... take it one day at a time .. u dont have to b rude if he calls just b friendly and let him know u are doing GREAT ... and work on u in the mean time

Thank you for posting...you're realistic but not completely killing my hope. So then are you just being friends with your ex for now? I'm just curious.

Yeah...I'm scared that I really messed things up by not stopping contact with him for 1.5 months after the break up. Especially since it was mostly one-sided on my part. I do agree you're right that it's important to move on. I guess part of me is scared that I won't feel the same way about him if I move on, but if that's the case then maybe we aren't meant to be.

When he inevitably does break contact with me (which honestly could be sooner than later...I avoided texting him for 3 days and then suddenly I had 2 missed calls and 2 text messages from him. This was over Thanksgiving break) should I let him and accept his attempts at friendship? Or would that hurt my prospects of getting back with him? Did your ex just call to be friendly and see how you're doing or does he want you back? Sorry for all the questions...I'm confused on how to proceed.

There is no hope. If you broke up with him in the first place, then you werent meant to be. He's in college now, new girls, dorm parties, much better looking women than you for him to chase, many of them will be flirting with him, and they dont have to take medications, he is ready to move on. He doesnt trust you. You need to move on, and dont make the mistake of breaking it off with someone just because youre scared.

You wont get him back, but in the meantime dont call him, let him call you. If he does, you can let him chase you. If he is unsuccessful with the girls at school, he might call. Theres plenty of guys in school for you, start talking to them. You dont have to start dating, but you can gain some confidence that way.

There is no hope. If you broke up with him in the first place, then you werent meant to be. He's in college now, new girls, dorm parties, much better looking women than you for him to chase, many of them will be flirting with him, and they dont have to take medications, he is ready to move on. He doesnt trust you. You need to move on, and dont make the mistake of breaking it off with someone just because youre scared.

 

You wont get him back, but in the meantime dont call him, let him call you. If he does, you can let him chase you. If he is unsuccessful with the girls at school, he might call. Theres plenty of guys in school for you, start talking to them. You dont have to start dating, but you can gain some confidence that way.

Ok...when I first read your reply it pissed me off a little, but you do make a lot of sense. that's kind of what I don't want to hear, but need to hear. I'm way too hopeful of a person...so I'm still kind of convinced he'll want me back after a while (even some friends and family members think there is a good possibility), but there is no sense sitting around and waiting for what could happen. I really need to move on mentally from the whole situation, because he could find another girl any day now. Thank you for your advice. You have the common sense that I lack.

When my ex called he wanted to tell me he missed me ... i saw him a week later and things just felt different ... he is the type that has to have all the control over how things happen .. when they happen etc... i told him yesterday that i just could not stay in the relationship with him anymore... i just did not trust his feelings anymore and that i felt strong enough to move on ... thats not to say that i dont still love him... i do! ... i just know after the way he treated me i cannot b with him. I offerd to stay friends but he said he could not b JUST friends with me .. so i said fine.. im sure i will here from him again at some point because i know he cares .. but i hope i have moved on by then

Ok...when I first read your reply it pissed me off a little, but you do make a lot of sense. that's kind of what I don't want to hear, but need to hear. I'm way too hopeful of a person...so I'm still kind of convinced he'll want me back after a while (even some friends and family members think there is a good possibility), but there is no sense sitting around and waiting for what could happen. I really need to move on mentally from the whole situation, because he could find another girl any day now. Thank you for your advice. You have the common sense that I lack.

Friends and family will tell you what they think will hurt you the least, but its nto what you need to hear. I WISH someone would have told me what I wrote to you when I was going through a big heartbreak. You have to get in the habit of using experience to make you think realistically, hope will torture you. You will think he will change his mind for a while, its just healing. But youre doing the right thing by not waiting for it. if he comes back, great, if he doesnt, his loss. But you wont be waiting around for him. You will also be more objective as to whether or not you WANT to date him when youre over him. Things will be alot clearer in 2 months...