[Gala]

First of all, I’ve been reading posts on LS for a couple of months now…and I want to let everyone know how much it has helped me to see others’ experiences -- I feel so much less alone than I would. The dust has settled in my own situation a little, and/but I am still hurting…a lot.

I am 39, single, never married. I have a Ph.D., and spent several years making personal and financial sacrifices so that I could fulfill that goal. My plan was to become a professor, but ultimately I decided that the emotional costs were too high – too much work, repression, and denial. I was never quite maladjusted enough for academia…and am more attractive than most who stay in that world. I have done pretty well in the corporate world, and have done other things to try to round out my life. I don’t give my heart easily, and also don’t open my bedroom door too readily these days. I will be among the first to admit that I can be standoffish, and it is something I have really worked on to change. But I think it keeps a lot of people away without my knowing it.

Early in the winter I started dating a man, “R,” who was in the final stages of a divorce. I had met him socially months before, when his 20-year marriage was about to end -- though I didn’t know that till later. Like me, R. has a Ph.D. – and in a field close to mine. Unlike me, he was born outside the U.S. and overcame tough economic odds and a violent childhood environment in order to achieve what he has. He and wife raised four kids, the oldest of whom is now in college. He has made a lot of things happen in his life – but has also sabotaged amazing opportunities in ways I can’t even begin to understand. A very good example of this happened in his early 30’s, and involved a contract with a major book publisher for a novel he wrote. He spent the advance, breached the contract, and was locked in a lawsuit with the publisher for several years. When I got to know him, he was trying to come to terms with this tendency…and I think he still is. I didn’t have the obstacles that he did, but I also haven’t had the luxury of slapping good fortune in the face when it visits. I’ve had to work really hard to get where I have, and have had my share of hard knocks.

I was resistant to dating R. at first, and he overcame that. We saw each other consistently for a few months, e-mailed almost every day, and talked almost every night. I don’t require this kind of attention, but I found it really endearing. I was infatuated, yet tentative -- especially since there was a lot of baggage from the divorce. Sadly, the longer we dated the more I saw how badly he dealt with conflict or difference. He wanted a lot of control, and when he couldn’t have it he often shut down. This really frustrated me, but I was trying to give the situation time.

Then came the film projects, which he undertook in addition to a fulltime job. The first one was small – over in two weeks – but showed me how consuming the work was. It also involved a young (21) and inexperienced actress whom he chose to cast for a feature-length project. There’d be no chance for a relationship amidst managing his children, the fulltime job, and the feature-length film; I also got a very bad vibe about the actress. One way and another, I decided to tell him I needed to let him go. It was very hard on me, but I felt I had no choice.

Long story short, R didn’t want to let me go. He had some obsessive fling with the actress that ended in her being fired from the project. He stayed in touch with me, saw me once a couple of months ago, and then spent a few weeks e-mailing me about his preoccupations with me and the actress. I finally couldn’t stand his self-absorption and asked him not to contact me until he could focus on one relationship at a time. That was almost a month ago, and I haven’t heard from him since.

I don’t really feel like calling or e-mailing him. Despite his good qualities, I don’t miss the person who pulled all that crap. But I am raw and hurt. I am wondering how I am going to trust my own judgment again. I am wondering what in the world I can do to feel more lovable. I see a therapist, work out, and go to yoga (all of which I’ve done for a while). I have been setting longterm financial goals for myself. I would rather be alone than in a miserable relationship. But I still feel yucky much of the time.

I would also appreciate observations from anyone who has divorced – especially men. Many thanks.