[Boundary Problem]

Originally Posted by Sittingaround4813

I on the other hand wanted kids and to get married.....as time went on I realized that being with him ment that I was never going to have kids of my own

Isn't him not wanting more children a HUGE problem?

[Sittingaround4813]

having more kids is not a issue anymore..... problems have come up that would make it impossible anyways.....

[Boundary Problem]

I'm sorry to hear about the fertility problems. Truly sorry. Very difficult.

well.

Fast forward 2 years. Imagine you are sitting there at the computer and you have a wedding ring on your finger and you've been married a year.

How would your life be different? What is the life plan for you two? Has he told you, or is it more day to day let's have lunch and go for a walk and help me look after my kids?

I have to confess when I read your post - I thought you were in love with the wedding/party day and I saw little in your post about how he was the perfect man to meet all of your needs.


Getting married obviously means a great deal to you. I query whether it means as much to him.

[Devil Inside]

So has he changed his mind, or was he just writing that to be funny?

If he is firm on not getting married then you need to really figure out if you can live with that. One thing I would not do is stay with this man, hoping he will change his mind. Going into a relationship and spending many years of your life awaiting a change will lead to resentment.

[Sittingaround4813]

yes it is probably true that I am a little "in love" with the idea of getting married..... what girl isn't? You have to admit that normally thats what people do when they fall in love and want to spend the rest of their lives with someone.....

He does talk about our future, always saying that we are going to be together forever and all of that.....

Please don't get me wrong I love him very deeply. If I didn't I think I would have left by now because our views on marriage and the fact that his ex wife the mother of his children continues 2 years later to make my life hell.....

And I am not staying with him hoping that he will change his mind. I just think it is unfair that he say such things if he doesn't mean it. He goes back and forth saying one day he doesn't want to ever get married then the night of that wedding saying that he saw us one day getting married.

believe me I love this man and want to spend the rest of my life with him, regardless if we get married or not. My only thing, and maybe you are missing my point is that all of his problems with marriage are not my fault, I believe that I shouldn't have to pay for something that other have done. I have done my best to pick up the pieces and I don't think I deserve to be led on, if that is what he is doing..... I don't know if he truly meant it that night or if he was just in the lovey mood because we were at a wedding. Whatever it was I am confused and hurt....

[Lauriebell82]

Originally Posted by Sittingaround4813

yes it is probably true that I am a little "in love" with the idea of getting married..... what girl isn't? You have to admit that normally thats what people do when they fall in love and want to spend the rest of their lives with someone.....

Getting married is exciting, a wedding is exciting. But at the end of the day you have to decide if being MARRIED to this man excites you. Because after the wedding is over that is what you will have. And things will not be much different then they are right now since you are already living together.

Originally Posted by Sittingaround4813

believe me I love this man and want to spend the rest of my life with him, regardless if we get married or not. My only thing, and maybe you are missing my point is that all of his problems with marriage are not my fault, I believe that I shouldn't have to pay for something that other have done. I have done my best to pick up the pieces and I don't think I deserve to be led on, if that is what he is doing..... I don't know if he truly meant it that night or if he was just in the lovey mood because we were at a wedding. Whatever it was I am confused and hurt....

If this was true (you want to be with him regardless of marriage) you would take marriage off the table and just be happy with him.

And it's true that the problems in his past marriages are not your fault, BUT you have gotten involved with a man who is wishy washy about marriage and stayed. That was YOUR choice to do. I would tell him what you just told us, that you feel he is sending you mixed messages. My opinion though would be that maybe he does want to marry you sometimes and others he doesn't. Like he starts thinking about how badly his other marriages ended and he gets cold feet about the whole thing.

The next time he does something like that (says you are the future Mr. and Mrs.) tell him that you are just the girlfriend right now. He can't have it both ways.

[Boundary Problem]

Originally Posted by Sittingaround4813

He does talk about our future, always saying that we are going to be together forever and all of that.....

My only thing, and maybe you are missing my point is that all of his problems with marriage are not my fault, I believe that I shouldn't have to pay for something that other have done.

Whatever it was I am confused and hurt....

Ahh. Now I see what you are trying to say. Undoubtedly - I would be very hurt as well with the changing the mind on something so important and emotional. I don't like that about him. The cavalier hurting of your feelings on something so important to you.

Doesn't sound like he has turned his mind to this lifeplan of "together forever". Other than 'not getting married' - what is his lifeplan?

Regarding his battlescars from his past - you have no choice but to take him 'as is'. People have irreversible battlescars. We all do. And those scars have consequences. If you love the person, you take the scars without thought because the alternative is unthinkable.

Maybe he is right. Maybe him getting married again is a bad idea.