Feeling for you there, with your PMT, missy. Had a shocker of a weekend (just gone) with mine. As if the rollercoaster weren't loopy enough!
Why don't you put some time into doing an amazing birdhouse or bath together outside? Put out all their favourite treats and make it the best place they could ever be lucky enough to find? You could maybe start photographing them, or even try drawing them? I think you might feel comforted by being 'closer' to them. Drawing is a wonderful, meditative way to pass time (and it can take up hours!) The birdhouse could encourage you to go outside?
I have to say, my dawg has kept me strong. Couldn't have been without her and LS.
It is a MAJOR, MAJOR thing to adjust to the loneliness. I find it helps to speak to EVERYONE you come across. Even if it gives off the impression that you are the local baglady! I remember feeling like this when I lived in London (lonely place, sometimes). I just thought 'f*ck it' one day and started talking to people at bus stops, in shops, waving at neighbours, anyone. Some days I'd get into some great conversations, though, and it would help me to feel like I had some control over my circumstances. As a result of that, I began to feel that I DESERVED to not feel isolated any longer. I ended up moving to a different town and it has been one of the best decisions I ever made.
We owe it to ourselves to seek out what makes us content. We must go after this. You've been given an opportunity to find you.
Sorry that you're having a rough one today. *hugs* You're gonna have these kind of days- we all do. The good news is that the bad days pass just as the good days pass. Eventually the waves will settle into ripples. It just gonna take some time. I know- you're sick of hearing that. I was too. But that's the breaks, huh? We're tough-we're survivors- we can take it and we can make it!
Mickleb has some great advice: Talk to EVERYONE! I've been doing that as well and it helps. I have dogs and they are great listeners but they aren't much on the conversation side of things.
I was waiting for my supper to be prepared (Chinese om nom nom!) and I started talking to the gals sitting next to me as they waited. They were suprised at first but we ended up having a long convo about the food there- between the three of us it seems we've tried everything on the menu. I ended up deciding to try something (next time I order there) I've never had before based on their recomendation. It ain't much but it is better than sitting there in silence!
I'd be happy to chat you up HoH (and anyone else as well!) but I don't have private messaging yet and have no idea whan I will. I'm not too keen on putting my info out here and I also think it is against the rules. Bummer.
I've often thought that this site would be a great place to have a chat room- we could cry together in unison in real-time . Sorry- bad humor. If there's gonna be a bad joke I'll be the one telling it...
Well I just wanted to check up on you good people. I've had a good day and good week. Compared to where I was not too long ago it is nothing short of a miracle. I never thought I would get through those dark days so hang in there- if I can make it YOU can make it. Got that?
I just went to the vets to collect the first bird I'm taking in since April (April was when ex said he wasn't sure what he wanted and I stopped taking birds in then so I could concentrate totally on us) and sod's law I bumped into him, so he'll probably think I havent changed cos I'm still taking in birds, I told him it was my first one and I've said several times since April I will never take lots in again, I have learnt from my mistakes big time. Not that he is bothered anymore so it doesnt matter anyway. He doesn't want me, end of story.
I just feel totally defeated now, as he seemed ok and happy/chatty.
I feel so unneeded.
Yes he's said he still needs me, but I dont feel it.
And that's how he felt about me which is why he left
I feel so unlovable and insignificant.
I've sunk back down again, why in the hell did we have to bump into each otehr We live in small town which doesn't help.
I feel full of sadness, depression and just want to cry.
Of ALL the rotten luck to have run into him. Sheesh...
If you feel like cryiing then let it out! Tears have a healing value to them so if you need to have a cry then have it- it's totally normal and it is totally okay.
Remember my post about the difference between feelings and the facts? I know you do!
Well you are FEELING insignificant. But are you? NO! The FACT is that you matter. You matter to me, you matter to that bird you're tending, and you matter to the other posters here and other people in your life. See the difference between the feeling and the fact?
You have a FEELING that you are unloveable. The FACT is that you are loveable! Again- the feelinig is real- you feel it, but it doesn't support the FACTS.
We can't help what we feel but just because we feel some way does not make it true! It is important to remember that.
You know there IS a bright side to running into your ex today. I know- you're probably calling me crazy as you read that huh? Well the bright side is that you will never, ever, EVER run into him for the first time again! You got it over with and there you are, alive and kicking, right? You're ahead of me inthat regard as I still have not run into mine. When that day comes I'll bet that I'm gonna feel a lot like you feel about it. You can bet that I'll be thinking of you and this morning/your evening when that day comes.
You just hang inthere, allow yourself a good cry if need be, and remember that tomorrow starts a new day, okay? I'm going to have some coffeeand get ready to run into town. I'll check up on you a wee bit later, okay?
I'm SO SORRY you had this bit of bad luck. In a way, though, I guess a fair few of us will have to face them at some point, so perhaps, it's best that it's just done and dusted?
Of course he'd seem chatty and happy. He's not going to open up to his heartbreak in the vets. Of course, it's quite likely, after 18 years of marriage, that he has not actually dealt with any of the consequences of his decision, yet. He may well be completely confident about getting on with his life without you, AT THE MOMENT but, hmmmmnnn.. he may well also be having a mid-life crisis.
You and the beautiful little bird are all you have to take care of now, and you know what? That's ok. You've just got to learn how to pour all your love into these things. Into you.
Treat yourself, pet. Don't get crazy unhealthy about it but give yourself a massive pat on the back for getting through what you did today and then give yourself the very best reward you can afford. Please.
This is the best I can do, considering this whole 'virtual reality' nonsense:
Thank you A&K
I have been thinking what you've said about feelings and facts, I just need to keep remembering it and keep reminding myself, it makes perfect sense.
It's only 2 weeks since we last met up at his place, but I've gone NC since then and today was the first time during NC that I have bumped into him. I've bumped into him a couple of times since we split in July as our town is so small, as well as meet up with him once a week and he was bringing his washing over once a week too, but now I've gone NC I don't want to bump into him, I want to have control whether I see him
I'll be here for you if/when you bump into your ex okay?!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AliveAndKicking
Of ALL the rotten luck to have run into him. Sheesh...
If you feel like cryiing then let it out! Tears have a healing value to them so if you need to have a cry then have it- it's totally normal and it is totally okay.
Remember my post about the difference between feelings and the facts? I know you do!
Well you are FEELING insignificant. But are you? NO! The FACT is that you matter. You matter to me, you matter to that bird you're tending, and you matter to the other posters here and other people in your life. See the difference between the feeling and the fact?
You have a FEELING that you are unloveable. The FACT is that you are loveable! Again- the feelinig is real- you feel it, but it doesn't support the FACTS.
We can't help what we feel but just because we feel some way does not make it true! It is important to remember that.
You know there IS a bright side to running into your ex today. I know- you're probably calling me crazy as you read that huh? Well the bright side is that you will never, ever, EVER run into him for the first time again! You got it over with and there you are, alive and kicking, right? You're ahead of me inthat regard as I still have not run into mine. When that day comes I'll bet that I'm gonna feel a lot like you feel about it. You can bet that I'll be thinking of you and this morning/your evening when that day comes.
You just hang inthere, allow yourself a good cry if need be, and remember that tomorrow starts a new day, okay? I'm going to have some coffeeand get ready to run into town. I'll check up on you a wee bit later, okay?
Hi hun, thank you for your post yesterday too I would like to draw birds, something I've been meaning to do for a while, sadly I don't have a very big garden and the space is filled with aviaries and bird shed, so I don't get many birds in the garden, but I am getting out the house as much as I can, it's just when I'm feeling poorly or the insomnia is bad that I don't go out. I want to take up scrapbooking again, I haven't felt like doing much for a while. I am thinking about making a little booklet of memories, photos and stuff I'd like to say to him, I might not give it to him but it might be cathartic for me and it would be something for him to treasure maybe, or is that silly?
The good thing today is that I've kept busy at home which is something I have struggled with since he left-how to cope with being at home, I used to be very busy at home until he left and it all fell apart and then it all felt pointless and my motivation went, so today I feel pleased with myself for taking the new bird into care and I also half cleaned out the shed which I've meaning to do for months, so I had a productive day in the end, even if the morning was wobbly after seeing him.
I can't help feeling he no longer needed me now he has more friends
This was the first time I saw him since NC two weeks ago, before that we were meeting weekly plus he was bringing his washing over once a week too, we did sometimes bump into each other before NC too.
I feel quite down this evening though, another evening alone, I never realised how little support and company I would get IRL.
Thank you so much for your support
Quote:
Originally Posted by mickleb
Oh sweetheart.
I'm SO SORRY you had this bit of bad luck. In a way, though, I guess a fair few of us will have to face them at some point, so perhaps, it's best that it's just done and dusted?
Of course he'd seem chatty and happy. He's not going to open up to his heartbreak in the vets. Of course, it's quite likely, after 18 years of marriage, that he has not actually dealt with any of the consequences of his decision, yet. He may well be completely confident about getting on with his life without you, AT THE MOMENT but, hmmmmnnn.. he may well also be having a mid-life crisis.
You and the beautiful little bird are all you have to take care of now, and you know what? That's ok. You've just got to learn how to pour all your love into these things. Into you.
Treat yourself, pet. Don't get crazy unhealthy about it but give yourself a massive pat on the back for getting through what you did today and then give yourself the very best reward you can afford. Please.
This is the best I can do, considering this whole 'virtual reality' nonsense:
ARGH! I just e-mailed him Nothing drastic, but I should have waited until the morning to see how I felt then, too tired to really think straight now
His reply will probably depress me, not that he is insensitive, but it's not going to say what I want it to say is it.
I said don't reply for the sake of it, only if there's anything in it he wants to respond to.
Thank you A&K
I have been thinking what you've said about feelings and facts, I just need to keep remembering it and keep reminding myself, it makes perfect sense.
<edit>
I'll be here for you if/when you bump into your ex okay?!
I really helps if you write it out like I did in the example I posted. Try it- it's like homework for the heart and really helps me to stay based in reality rather than getting caught-up and run ragged by my feelings. Helps pass time when I'm lonesome too!
Okay- it's a deal- When I inevitably runinto her I'll let you know. I'll be counting on you!
ARGH! I just e-mailed him Nothing drastic, but I should have waited until the morning to see how I felt then, too tired to really think straight now
His reply will probably depress me, not that he is insensitive, but it's not going to say what I want it to say is it.
I said don't reply for the sake of it, only if there's anything in it he wants to respond to.
Aw hon I hope you didn't sign up for more pain :-(
A good idea in the future is to set a "waiting period" so that if you feel like writing or calling or whatever you say "I'll wait 48 hours and if I still feel like i HAVE to send this then I will but not a moment sooner". More often than not by the time I've slept on it once or twice it isn't so important.
It is probably best if you just keep on working on yourself as it sounds like you're really getting things on track. Don't worry too much about what he is doing or thinking or any of that. You have to be the very best person you can be with OR without him in the picture, right? Right!
Hang in there, get some rest, and I'll be sure to check up on you tomorrow. I've a busy day tomorrow so it might not be until late in the evening (USA time) but I WILL follow up with you.
Really struggling again, my 2 closest friends here sound fed up with me, the only time they have available is for 3/4 of an hour on a thurs eve and that's the only eve which isn't good for me as I've been to yoga and then working so just want to get home to cat and dinner. So when I say I cant meet thurs they're like oh we thought you wanted to see us once a week. (I asked last week if I could come to theirs one eve a week to watch telly).
So basically if I cant fit into their measly 3/4 of an hour a week then I have no other chance to see them
I never realised I would be left alone so much, I did not realise it would be this unbearably lonely.
If I topped myself they'd all be like oh we should have done more. YES YOU SHOULD! One eve a week at the moment is NOT too much to ask is it while I am feeling SO alone and vulnerable?? Can anyone answer that, I'd really like to know.
I know I shouldn't take all this rejection personally, but how am I supposed to feel I am worth anything or loved if people just don't bother with me.
I am truly stunned at how the support tailed off after a month.
It also scared me how much I miss and need my ex, I never want to be in this position again, I am learning to be totally self sufficient now, a case of having to as my friends clearly don't care enough. I didn't realise just how cold, uncaring and selfish world this is.
It just seems madness that I turn to online friends instead as they/you give me more support, it's crazy.
And I'm longing to put my fb status as "I didn't realise quite how lonely life could be." Like I want ex to know I feel s*** cos he has support of my ex friends and I don't. But it's horribly self pitying isn't it!
And I feel stupid as he hasn't replied to my e-mail, I will probably feel worse after reading it anyway.
Everything is making me cry today, it doesn't help that I am shattered as I stayed up later delaying going to bed, hate going to bed now.
So much anger in your posts. Let it out or it will chew you up. It helps me, when I am angry, to write a scathing letter. I really let it rip! Mind you these letters are never to be sent! I also write in my journal. I know- it sounds silly to suggest that writting in a journal or writing letters could help but trustme-it does. By the time I reach the end I'm not nearly as angry and I feel a sense of relief. Give it a try, hon, and see if it helps you.
You're feeling betrayed by your friends. That leads to those feelings of being unimportant, unloveable, etc. You hit the nail right square on the head: self-pity is the root of it. I've been guilty of self-pity many times. Self-pity always leads to other negative thoughts and feelings and who does that hurt? One's self. We've had enough pain, huh? You bet we have.
Please don't entertain those self-defeating thoughts. It is hard and you are lonely right now but please know that thisis temporary. It WILL end. It just takes..........
Time.
Damn time, huh?
Please get some rest today/tonight. I don't like going to sleep in my empty bed either but I must have a healthy (well-rested and well-fed) body if I wish to have a healthy mind and spirit, right? What would you tell me if I was not sleeping right or otherwise not being good to myself? You'd tell me the same thing I'm telling you! Well that is how it works here- we support and encourage one another. And no it is NOT pathetic to write to strangers on a message board! This is the best free therapy one can get!
Hang in there- be brave and if you are feeling weak that's okay- just pretend you are strong. Fake it 'til you make it!
You are gonna be alright- you deserve to feel good and you will in time.
I can't stop crying, I feel like I'm going mad with the loneliness, I just can't bear how my friends have left me to it.
I texted ex saying maybe meet at the weekend or the weekend after, I'm not supposed to do that just cos I'm lonely.
It used to me who had more friends than him and busy life and now he has the busy life and I'm lonely and crying.
How do you cope with loneliness? Humans are a social animal.
This might sound a bit harsh but please believe that my heart is in the right place: YOU need to change things. Nothing will change if you sit and feel sorry for yourself and wait for something to happen. I wish it were otherwise but the fact is that it is up to YOU and ONLY you to change any circumstances in your life.
Many suggestions have been made in this thread. How many have you tried? Perhaps you have tried and it didn't help. Try something else then.
You are setting yourself up for further pain and heartache by placing your self-worth and your well-being in the hands of others. You will surely be let-down by doing that. Your despair today is proof of that. It is not up to your friends (or perhaps so-called friends) to heal you. It is up to you. You have now contacted your ex twice(I believe) and that in itself is a recipe for disaster! You know this, hon,but you are letting your heart overrule your intellect.
Please, HoH, stop looking towards your ex to validate your feelings. More than likely he will not and in fact might hurt you further. Do not continue to sign up for more pain. Take steps, as suggested here, to move forward. Alone. On your own.
I too live alone. I live in the country and I am very isolated. I have at times been VERY lonesome. So much so that it actually hurt in my gut. I sat here in my misery and waited. And waited. And waited some more. Each time I ended up breaking down, contacting my ex, and we would reunite. It was a temporary fix. It felt wrong. It felt better but it felt wrong. Each time I ended up the same- waiting for her to show concern for me, to act in a fashion that made me feel loved, to feel valued, to feel like a worthy human being. And each time I was crushed when those things never happened. And so the cycle repeated itself.
I finally had enough. I took a hard honest look at myself and what I was doing to myself. I took responsibility for my situation and I took ownership of my misery and self-pity. I did not like who and what I saw when I took that look and I took action. I began to follow the suggestions of others. I did what I was told rather than what I though was best as my "best thinking" is what got me in this mess in the first place!
I reached out on the phone, I joined a couple forums for my hobbies, and interacted with people there. I looked up some old friends I had not seen in a long time. I talked to strangers while in line. I took a book with me and had lunch and read at the table. I was alone but I was around other people. It helped.
Please, dear, take charge of your life. You must take charge if you wish to feel better. Your recent contact coincides with your bad feelings at the present. Do you see the connection there? Humble yourself, try some of the suggestions given here, and trust that those who have been there are telling you the truth-that it WILL get better but YOU have to take the action needed.
You are loveable, you are worthy, you are smart, and you are a good woman. You are an asset to this world so start acting like it and start treating yourslf like it!
Please know that we care about you and want to see you happy, healthy, and at peace.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
We live in small town which doesn't help.
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