[tojaz]

Originally Posted by 2sunny

the words you choose to type make me think you have an interest in another man.

these are sentences that we see here from a spouse that has found interest elsewhere... whether or not they have chosen to act upon it usually shows later - it just looks like this is the case here.

Originally Posted by hopesndreams

You bore this man 3 children. You've been a spoilt housewife for many years. You got bored with having it all. Now his smell is off-putting. Time to strike it out on your own. Good luck with that. Sorry if that comes off nasty but that is honestly what I read in your situation.

Come on now, thats reading an awful lot into Anns story. I agree that there is quite a bit more to this story then shes telling, but that is her right and think it best not to speculate too much. While all the stories seem the same here, they are all very unique to the point wher it is unfair to assume anything based on past threads. Certain patterns obviously exist, but there is no rule. ANN, please if your willing tell us the rest of your story so we can better help you.
TOJAZ

[LonelyTiger]

I think I have a slightly different understanding of the situation Ann is in here and I think some are being a little harsh.

Obviously, I could be wrong, because we don't yet know the full story, but what I'm reading is that she has NEVER been physically attracted to her husband. If that is the case then the 'smell' thing makes perfect sense AND would explain the interest in another man (should that be the situation).

By the way, just to make it clear, if there is cheating going on here I DO NOT condone it and even the 'smell' thing doesn't excuse it but, I suspect if there is another man involved, it's still just at the attraction level and nothing has actually happened yet. At least I'm giving Ann the benefit of the doubt here and hoping that's what's going on.

My own take on this is that she married somebody she thought was a 'suitable match' and she married for security because that is what she needed at that time in her life. Why she felt that way is probably a whole other story. She has since then, grown and changed, as we all do and realised that an imortant part of who she is, is being ignored and denied expression.

Human beings cannot be happy unless they are true to who they are and this is the really tough choice that she now has. To find happiness for herself and turn the life of her husband and children upside down OR stay forever unhappy and dissatisfied just to keep her family together.

Ann, I hope you've managed to get some sleep. You clearly care a great deal about how your decision will affect others, and I know this situation you are in must be very tough for you.

When I was younger, before I married, I got involved in a very serious relationship with a man i wasn't attracted to. He was a very good man, very loving, kind and gentle. He loved me and I loved him. Fortunately, I realised that this 'safe' relationship would never make me happy and I could never commit myself to him. I was always looking at other men! Maybe that rings a bell for you?

If you are able to share your full story it may help us to understand the situation better, although if there is another man involved you will find a lot of people are less than sympathetic. So be prepared.

[2.50 a gallon]

No bitterness here. Not more than 15 minutes ago I got an unsolicitated "I Love You", which brought the total for the day up to about half a dozen. And I have been hearing them for the past 13 plus years. We've been together for over 14 years. And I know I am one of the lucky ones and appreciate each and every ILY I hear.

Yep, I was married and divorced. I had to listen to the double talk, 1 kiss, "You're not loving enough", 2nd kiss "You're too controlling", also "I need space", "We're so different", "You don't do enough around the house", "I don't love you" and "I never loved you"

I caught her kissing an OM, kicked her out, and within a month she was back crying how much she loved me, I'm so sorry, second chances. etc. Luckily we did not have any kids so I was able to walk away and never see her again.

I was a player before I married her and went straight back to dating for the next decade until 14 years ago when cupid nailed me and have been in love ever since.

[2.50 a gallon]

I am not a social worker, but this is from personal observation

In almost every divorce that I know of the kids resented the parent who walked away. And in many cases once the child reached adulthood,
rejected the walk away parent.

Starting with my own family. My sister married my best friend, after I married and moved out of state, my XBIL walked away and eventually married the OW. They had two daughters, and shared custody. Both of my nieces rejected their father as soon as they reached adulthood. The oldest married and had a boy and a girl.

The youngest niece finally married this summer, age 35 plus, college grad, good career. She had plenty of offers, but never trusted men, it took her present husband 3 years of dating before she tied the knot. At the urging of her new husband she invited her father to the wedding, he wanted to meet her father. She had not seen nor cared to see her father for well over 10 years.

At the reception, I was seated with my XBIL and spent several hours going back over our youth. He has hardly seen his grandkids at all. The last time he had seen his grandaughter was when she was christened at age 6 months, she is now 13. He did not know that his grandson who is now a senior in high school was a starter on his high school football team. He had never seen him play. He virtually know nothing about his grandkids growing up

[2.50 a gallon]

At the last apartment complex I lived in there was this elderly lady the kids called Grandma M. You could tell she was a looker in her youth. She had a one of the last converatibles to come out of Detroit, that she took great care off. She had a pure bred poodle and she was always dressed so elegantly when she took the dog for its walk. She had been a fixture at the apartment for a good 10 years before I moved in and in fact had been one of the first tenents when the complex first opened. She had a one bedroom, and for the few who were invited in it had some nice expensive furniture. But most of the space in the apartment was filled from ceiling to floor with moving boxes. On one wall she had a few picture blown up of her son and two daughter and their kids. She explained that they lived out of state, and the one daughter lived in Europe. They never visited but she always took off in the summer to visit them. But she was always back in time for the opening of school. Her favorite past time was to sit on her patio and talk to the school kids as they came home from school

I had lived there about 5 years when I went to watch a Little League Allstar game at the school about a block away. By luck I ran across an old high school friend and his Mexican mom, who still remembered me. A great lady, her tamales were to die for, and if you were lucky you were invited to their place on tamale night about a week before Christmas. I was more than glad to see him as the last I had heard was that he had been shipped off to Vietnam, 30 years previous. As it turns out one of his grandsons was playing on one of the teams, between the rooting for the kids we caught up on old times.

Grandma M had been out shopping and he noticed her drive by. I was shocked to hear him say to his mother something along the lines of Whore M.

The rest of the story: Grandma M was his biological mother, she had fallen out of love with his dad, dumped him for her richer boss. She got partial custody, but the rich man did not want anything to do with her rug rats, so she ended up abandoning my friend and his two sisters. Without the second pay check of the mother the father had busted his a$$ to feed the kids, working 2 and 3 jobs. He had died 20 years previous, and the kids thought that he had worked himself to death. There was no foregiveness for the Wh*re, his words. The Mexican mother that I knew was his step mom. The picture of Grandma M grandkids were his and his sisters. Each year one of the siblings would send her a card with a family picture in it for Christmas. These she blew up and put on the wall. Only his oldest sister had moved out of state, the rest of the family still lived in the same city. Grandma M did not know where any of her sons and daughters lived. She had never seen any of her grand kids, much less her great grand kids. She never knew that one of her great grand sons was playing little league baseball a block away from where she lived. She passed away last month, never knowing that she had a 1 year old great great granddaughter who had been born less than two miles away from where she lived.

[ann09]

Wow. I will be back today to try to clear everything up with my story. Just taking me some courage to do so. It just isn't easy.

thanks for taking all that time to write to me. I don't feel like I deserve to have taken that time from any of you. I have read every word.

Lots to absorb - I will be back.

[Texsun65]

It sounds to me like you marride for the wrong reasons, but you married hium anyway. Now your bad decisions are going to affect everyone. Whatever happend to the idea of owning up and standing up to one's commitments. It appears you married him for his potential as a provider to you and your family. It also appears he has lived up to that potential.

It seesm to me that once you married him, the decision is made. You shouldn't have married him otherwise. Once married, you or any other spouse, should have thrown every ounce of your love and support nehind him and never waivered or doubted your own commitment. This is how it once was and how it should be today. This is part of what is wrong with our society. This man has likely worked and slaved to give you and your kids all that you have and now you are going to dump all over him. It disgusts me! Your life has been so well provided for that you have had all of this time to sit around and conjour up reasons for your unhappiness. Get over it!

So now, you have rationalized and justified what everyone else (husband, kids, family) is going to have to pay for what you have admitted was your mistake. I do find it wrong. You should have learned to love and support this man with all of your heart as opposed to find the reasons to not love him.

From what I hear, this man is a good provider, a good father, does not abuse you or your kids, is not a drinker or a druggie. The one complaint is that he is controlling. I would have to hear more about that to have a better understanding. But, short of physical or drastic mental abuse, I cannot see your problem. You are bored. Familiarity has bread contempt, but it could just as easily bread love and respect. It is a choice and you have made yours. I am certain my words will not matter, but I put them on display here in this forum as a protest vote to all of you who leave your marriages and turn on your significant other without any justifiable reason with the exception of your own seflish and narcisistic pursuits.