[wheelwright]

I really think that despite your pain (which I by no means see as small or unwarranted), your H is a shining light compared to accounts on here of other men's infidelity.

Crikey, he's been carrying this burden for years and has upped and confessed. Bravo! He sounds like one of the good guys.

And yes, I agree with other posters that his faithfulness after the event proves where his heart and decency lie.

Life offers us many wonderful things. And many temptations. In my M I am aware of this, and would not be hurt by this kind of infidelity. But then I am fresh out of an affair, and don't fully trust my H anyway.

So I think your hurt (like so much emotional hurt) is about expectations having been let down. The expectations you and your H share together about fidelity.

And I'm not sure expectations are about love. Are they about ego or something?

And to be honest, it sounds from what you describe, his match yours despite the indiscretion.

I feel it would be good to fully explore the reasons you are so hurt by this, because IMHO it's not as simple as 'I was betrayed'. I am not religious, but I feel forgiveness is more about love than feeling hurt could ever be.

I think your guy is good, and that fact might help you through the hurt.

I guess I want to say to you, don't make a mountain etc., while qualifying that with an understanding of how it might be possible to feel hurt.

And whatever you feel, you are not wrong. They are your feelings.

I am sure with such a good man you will work through them. Good luck with that. I wish you well.

[tami-chan]

Originally Posted by TaraMaiden

Forgive me - please, forgive me - but this is Bull5h1t.
There are many, many abused people who do not lean on their past for justification of their present actions. if your husband were tempted to abuse YOUR children, I might see scope for doing something, and quickly. But if you are putting his past forward as any justification for what he did - then think again.
My partner suffered a lot of abuse at the hands of his extremely violent and dominating father - but he doesn't go around hitting other people....

I disagree...many studies have found there is a correlation between having been sexually abused as a child and adult sexual promiscuity, sexual inappropriateness, sexual confusion, addiction, etc.etc. Certainly, there are those who are able to adjust and lead upright, meaningful lives and then there are those who shun sex altogether and/or unable to connect profoundly with other people. But sex sometimes becomes the coping mechanism.

If a person has not really dealt with the sexual abuse successfully--it is possible that stresses in work, or family might "lead" them to situations(in this case cheating0 that create shame, guilt and more confusion.

The same with violence...until the person learns how to appropriately deal with stressors, that person will respond the only way he knows how ( by his experience) and that's through violence. Thus the slogan...."break the chain", "break the cycle"......

So depending on which side of the aisle you sit-this sort of thing can be the reason, the excuse, the rationalization or the justification....

[TaraMaiden]

It's a reason, but it's no excuse.
To enact certain behaviours may have it's reasoning in previous experience, but to enact something, and then use previous experience as an excuse is inaccurate.

'I can't help it, my experience made me do it', is utter rubbish.
'I'm sexually promiscuous and it may have something to do with abuse as a youngster', is more credible.