So the ex just came upstairs to announce he's ill with a migrane so cannot take me and other housemate to work and said I'll have to get a taxi (which is booked but there's always difficulty in finding the place) Where we live theres no feasible public transport so we are relying on him and some other friends to take us to and from work.
This is the second time he's been off sick from work since we broke up. He doesn't look ill, just a bit tired, he did say he had been up all night. I guess this is just hard, under any normal circumstances people wouldn't see this part, but seeing as we live under the same roof and work at the same place we are seeing what eachother are going through.
A bit annoyed at myself though, got myself a bit upset at work yesterday, just can't get the things out of my mind that he said the other night. Been talking to a close friend of his and ours and he's really worried about him, and says he needs to get away from this girl with the child. There's nothing going on between them, it's all her constantly getting his attention, even other housemate was trying to talk to the ex the other night and she just buts in to get the exes attention. Thing is she's an absolute user and sees him as a bit of a meal ticket to run around after her and her child. I guess I just have to sit back, get on with my life and hope he realises this.
Very difficultly (hmmn - don't think that's a word!) for you, you are going to have to do just that - SIT BACK.
He may well be pulling sickies / genuinely unwell as a result of the situation but HE IS THE ONE WHO CAUSED IT.
It must be horrible for you to be dealing with the heartache whilst not being able to remove yourself from his presence whilst watching him f*ck his life up in realtime. I cannot even imagine. But this is the situation you find yourself in.
There is nothing you can do to change it (it seems) other than manage the first part - YOUR HEARTBREAK - as best possible. Do all the things you can to remove yourself from him. You don't have to make yourself virtually homeless but (and I got this cute tip from watching Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events whilst dealing with my own situation!! Cute film - recommend it) MAKE YOURSELF A SANCTUARY. And I quote:
Quote:
Sanctuary... is a word which here means a small, safe place in a troubling world. Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea.
Make your room your safe space - put whatever you need to in there that will help you hold onto who you are and what you deserve in life - (you have, probably, at least, begun to do this) and keep yourself protected from this sh*tstorm, in it. Meditate, do yoga, read beautiful books, watch wonderful movies on DVD, snuggle up with a hot water bottle, make yourself laugh out loud in the mirror, eat wonderful food, spray the finest perfume, write insightful diary entries - whatever works for you - and KEEP YOURSELF SAFE.
It is absolutely essential that we make a space like this - whoever we are, wherever we live, to the best of our ability - for ourselves, to ensure our survival.
Hole up, lady. FORCE him out of your mind for as long as you find possible - one more minute each day! And weather this storm.
Thank you mickleb. I have remembered I have a friends laptop I can use, which hopefully I can setup in my room, the internet is terrible in there, but it will do just for IM'ing and things like this. Don't want to move entire pc downstairs, as well I do not want to be an entire hermit in my room. And I am making my room my own as best I can, soon as he moved his stuff out, I arranged my stuff where I wanted them to go, again just little things but it makes me feel better
Okay so he just text me. He said he would to let me and housemate know he was picking us up tonight or taxi needed. He then wants to pass on a message to a mutual friend (which he could have done himself) and then went on about how he needs to go to the docs. I'm sorry but that last part, I feel is completely unnecessary, GRRRR!
He obviously still feels the need to 'include you' in parts of his life. I think you need to reinforce the boundaries again. Repeat how it's going to be: we have to live together but I am not your girlfriend or you friend, nevetheless I can be civil, this is what I need/am prepared to do, blah, blah. Tell him to text your housemate and she can pass on messages about being picked up (if absolutely necessary).
Thanks Micleb - you are absolutely right, thanks with the advice
It is all really bizarre. It's like he's still trying to hold onto parts of me, when he was the one that ended it, and I think that's why I am having such a difficult time moving on atm.
Things like he still has pics of me, some of them me and him together on his facebook (I know shouldn't check) He kept putting off moving his stuff out my room I had to ask him about 6 or 7 times until he finally did it. He still tries to talk to me making idle chit chat. Is upset that I have changed (from his advice!!) by being more independant. Upset/angry that I ignored him. He doesn't look happy at all. It's just SO damn hard. Then theres the whole "lets move out and have some space and we can see if we can work things out" saying how he wants me in his life, and really does not want to go our seperate ways. I have NEVER had a breakup like this.
I am arranging to do stuff, get out the house and see people, but gah it's this horrible empty feeling I have, feel so alone, I'm even sleeping with the TV on at night as I can't stand the silence. I've deleted all my emails from him today, moved pics etc, but I'm just finding it very hard, esp when I can see he is having problems in his life currently.
It comes out a little too often, I think but when people behave like this, it's difficult to not state they have problems committing to decisions, at least!
Grr. He's annoying me! (Can't imagine how frustrated you must be!)
I'd be tempted to say: excuse me but can you f*ck off, please?!
Just ask him to stay RIGHT out of your hair. Say you don't care about his troubles, you've got enough on your plate and you can't wait until you move out - not to consider your (as in the two of you's) future so you can get on with your own life.
Jees. He's writing the textbook of how to f up a second chance, even if there was only the tiniest glimmer that one might have been available in the first place.
I'm incredibly frustrated! Seems work is my only escape atm, and even then I can't get away from it. Asked male housemate earlier if ex was picking me up from work (he's the only driver) male housemate asked him and he said he would, and ya know what, he's just text me to tell me he's picking me up. This was sorted out hours ago, me purposely not ringing him or going to him directly, and this is what happens.
Couple this with female housemate just being a complete B**** - said morning to her this morning (while we under the same roof I will be courteous) and she completely ignored me, and she's just round him ALL the time, having ex at her beck and call, and ya know she gloats!
I know this is not a permanent situation, and that makes me feel a bit better, just want January to be here already!!
Thanks so much mickleb for the support, it's just nice to have someone to chat and vent to! x
So he picked me up from work, not all to bad, managed to have a civil conversation, was in a really good mood too, he didn't seem to like that HA! Just kept going on about how ill he was boo hoo, he ended things while I was ill with the same thing. He also was asking questions about something and told him it was none of his business, his face!! He then wasn't very talkative after that and has gone straight to bed. I feel good! He's gone to bed, no sign of other male housemate and she is in bed to, thank god! A quiet house..this is something i'm looking forward to when I get my own place!
[Edit]
Okay, so just deleted all the emails I ever had from him. Kinda sad reading through the odd one them (didn't read them all) seeing happier times. Something that is blaringly obvious though is that he never put kisses etc, was always me doing that, funny it takes a time like this to realise this stuff, ho hum.
Last edited by twinklecat; 8th November 2009 at 9:22 PM..
Okay I am INCENSED right now, did some snooping, I know I shouldn't have, and found some MSN conversations between female housemate and him from 13th october onwards LAST YEAR, constantly bitching about me, kissing, hugging, talking about him going over for hugs, calling her sexy, gah you name it, I feel ****ing sick. He moved her in here, we work together, and all the while this has been going on. He is ****ing coward, didn't even have the balls to admit theres anything going on, still says there isn't MY GOD I COULD KILL THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, so I have calmed down now my apologies for the above outburst. The past 24 hours have been quite an experience. Seeing these MSN conversations and the fact he is with her I have finaly realized my ex for who he really is and that I really AM better off away from him.
He is a maniuplating and controlling egotistical man, and has been emotionally maniuplating me these past 5 years, into a person I do not recognize as myself. And I can see him doing the same thing to this female housemate. I do not feel sorry fo her though, she was supposed to be my best friend, and she's walking round like she has won...she has no idea the prize she has got, she's welcome to him!
It's funny how it takes to discover this deceit that I never thought he'd do, to actually see who he is and what he's done to me. The best bit of all, it's absolute closure now. I don't want him in my life, he doesn't deserve to be.
Moving on with my life and I am very excited! I am making plans for things, having friends coming to visit me, going back to see family for Christmas, I'm going to fly on my own, it scares me but I know I can do it! I've been sorting things out at work that I have wanted to change and do something about that I thought I couldn't, and ya know what I can and I did! I'm picturing what my new place will be like, also picking up old hobbies and just spending my time thinking about myself and what I want to do with my life.
I know I'll still have bad days, more about me feeling like I can't do things, and this person I used to tell everything to, I will miss that. The relastionship itself, do I and will I miss that? Honestly, no. It was not healthy, I just couldn't see that.
Thank you everyone for all the advice and support you have all given me, it has been much appreciated
Last edited by twinklecat; 10th November 2009 at 1:12 PM..
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