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Greetings, old friend.
How have you been lately? I hope you're doing well. You better not be slacking off on course work.
I really miss you. I'm really saddened by the way things ended and the way I behaved. The last 14 months has been really hard for me. I'm sure you were aware, but I don't think you really knew how hard it was for me. You shouldn't have known anyway because I didn't want you to know how much I was struggling.
Exhaustion and depression took complete control over me when I came back to the states last August. I desperately wanted to be with you again. My thoughts, worries, and obligations took a toll on my mind and body. You are well aware of my relapse into illness last year. I can't tell you how I spent many sleepless nights thinking about you. Those were the good nights. The constant coughing and nasal drips threw me into a world of misery. Horrible thoughts flooded my mind and there were times when I nearly gave in. I hated my body; I hated how weak it was and how easy it was to succumb to illness. I wanted to end my life countless times to lift the burden from you and everyone else. I knew how difficult it was for you and my family to constantly worry about my health. But I knew ending my life wasn't the answer. It would have been harder for you if that happened, so I fought my way out of those thoughts. You gave me strength.
My performance in school was rapidly declining. I couldn't keep my focus, so I did the worse thing possible: I stopped caring. I did not put any effort into studying. I seldom spoke of my days in school and the course work because I didn't want to let you know that I was giving up. I filled the time I should have spent on studying with other things. I'm ashamed of what I did. I felt hopeless when I shouldn't have.
When the semester ended, I spent so much time sleeping because I didn't want to wake up. I wanted to rest and not have to deal with life. I was deep into depression. You were aware and you hated the way I was behaving. It was hard for me to talk to you then because I knew I was slowly deteriorating. I knew I was no longer the person you fell in love with. That's why I was quite for the longest time. I didn't know what to say. I was afraid--terrified. Instead of taking action, I was hoping things would just pass and get better. This way of thinking didn't stop until late March. Things got better and I was slowly regaining my strength, but I got used to being in my shell.
It was only when you were on vacation when I realized that I should open up again. I was so eager for you to return to England, so we could catch up on things and improve our relationship. But things happened when you were away. My mother was assaulted. I woke up to her wailing outside the house. It was horrible. She was bruised and covered in dirt. My grandfather made it worse by yelling at her. It wasn't her fault, but he yelled at her. I was furious, but I didn't know how to react. I shoved my anger to the side and did whatever I could to help with the situation. Was I wrong to be angry? It wasn't me who was assaulted, but I was filled with so much hatred and I still am.
I desperately wanted to reach out to you, but I was afraid. You were on vacation and I didn't know what to do. You asked me that day if I was ok, as if you were aware something was not right. But instead of telling you the truth, I told you that I was ok. I hated myself for saying that, but I thought it was the right thing to do. I still don't know what to do, but maybe this is a start.
I've said this so many times already, but my writing is horrible now. It's filled with so many references to myself. Every other sentence starts with I. I did this, I did that, this happened to me, my fault, et cetera. I hate the way I'm writing now, but I know this is just a consequence of writing so many papers over the years. This is my release from useless rhetoric that I've been so used to. This is the time for me to do things for myself. I'm sorry things between us ended the way the did, but thank you for giving me this opportunity to live my life.
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Hybrid Mode
