[lostmirthfulness]

Latest update:

I still wake up thinking about her and I still think about her throughout the day. I can't seem to shake the idea that the woman I dated for four years was trying to fit into something that she was not. Its hard to imagine that what she showed me of who she was, was not really who she was. You would think that in four years that would have surfaced.

Anyway, last night I went out with some friends. While out, I get a text message from her saying that she has shipped the thumb drive. I try not to see it as a personal insult that after four years, things have become so impersonal. I see no need to respond. A little bit later I get another text message from her saying "are you getting my messages?" - I chose not to respond to that either.

I had asked her if we could remain friends, but she went along with the new guy, and decided our four years were nothing to her, and her new boyfriend (who is a jerk) is more important. Her family went along with it as well, as I haven't heard anything from anyone in a couple of weeks. So, I sit here pretty much on my own. Less then two months ago, everything that I did or didn't do carried an issue with it. I should stop smoking, stop riding my motorcycle, spend more time with her, etc etc. Now it does not matter to her what I do at all? That is one hell of a shift.

I have decided, that I miss the relationship. I miss having that person to live for, I miss having that person that I felt lived for me. I do not miss HER though. She has shown me time and time again, that I can love somebody but I had picked the wrong somebody. For me to get past this and still face each day, I have to get to the point were I don't care about her anymore. Where I am living for me and happy doing so. I think the contact I do have with her from time to time, has not done anything good for me. It has made me hold on to something that is not shared.

At this point, yes I would love to hear from her and be able to be around her. But she has showed me time and time again, that I don't matter to her at all in the least. So I have to forget about her and move on, I have to remove any lingering hope I have in my mind of anything.

I have tried to get back into dating, but I realize that I am just replacing one dependency with another and that is not right, nor is it healthy. As much as my heart was into it when I was about to propose to her, it was for the wrong reasons. She was not the girl for me and she knew it, that is why she stopped me. I actually appreciate that fact, that she did not just go along with it.

Like I said, it is still a tough pill to swallow, that somebody could have been trying to be something for four years and I never REALLY noticed that. Or, perhaps I did and that is why, I never was pushed by my heart to propose in those four years.