[milla]

I don't know where to start, or what advice I want... but here I go...

I left my husband almost a month ago. It wasn't a rash decision, my discontent had been brewing for about a year. We would have been married two years this July.

I'm moved to Florida where I have friends, and now I'm on my own and I'm finding it so hard to cope with everything. We decided not to divorce but to live seperately for awhile... I just signed a six-month lease and he will be going to Iraq in November for one year.

I never expected to still feel so strongly for him, but once I left I was a mess. I thought I would walk out the door and never look back, but that hasn't been the case at all. We still talk several times a day, and at one point I even agreed to come back, but as soon as I did, his voice changed and he started being an ******* again, nagging, saying that he still didn't feel wrong about anything and then he even reneged on his promise of marriage counselling because he found out how much it cost. I told him that I didn't care, that to me, even if we spend thousands on marriage counselling in the coming years, but we're happy, then its worth. He told me he would rather buy a house. I was so offended that he could put a price on our marriage. So I told him to go buy one by himself and signed my lease the next day.

The thing is, I don't feel that I get any emotional support from the "friends" I have out here and honestly, I cry almost everyday that I'm alone in my apartment and who is there to listen to all my problems and who is my rock in this time? My husband. He listens to me tirelessly and I love and appreciate that, but we had so many problems that I think this separation is necessary... and maybe when he comes home from Iraq in November 2005, things will be different because I'll have my own life and he'll be joining me. We're both pretty young, I'm 25 and he is 23.

I left him because I felt like he didn't care about my needs and desires and that everything was about him and his life and I was just along for the ride. I hated where we lived, I hated my job, I wanted more freedom, I wanted to be more creative, but he insisted I do things on his terms. I'm originally from Australia, and he kept me from going home all year just because he didn't want to be away from me. He treated me like I was a moron and controlled the purse strings like a Nazi... this is another reason I think he's wrong for me... I would love nothing more right now than to buy a plane ticket back to California to be with him... but I can never do that because I've spent several thousand dollars setting myself up here and the money will be an issue... even though he makes between 6 - 10k per month in his sales job, I know I will never hear the end of how I spent all the money I have and it hurts to know for a fact that even though I love him, the money I spent will be hanging over my head for the rest of my life if I went back to him. If the situation were reversed and I wanted him to come home, the money would never be mentioned even for a fleeting second... just like the cost of marriage counselling would be a non issue to me also.

So now I feel stuck because I can't go back, I'm an emotional train wreck crying everyday... the friends I have here... I've known them a long time, but they've become much more superficial than I remembered and I don't feel like I can open up. I just sense that they don't want hear my fussing and blubbering... you know fairweather friends and all of that. I'm trying to concentrate on making money and making other friends... but I feel so needy and I feel that I have nothing to offer.

Some of my friends asy that this "not getting divorced" thing is a really stupid idea and that I shouldn't go back because he won't change... that he proves that with a lot of things my husband lets "slip" when he thinks he has the upperhand. The other thing is, I don't get any benefit out of not getting divorced except that when he goes active duty I'll have medical taken care of. My husband on the otherhand will get a whole slew of additional allowances from the military because he'll have a dependent. My immigration status will be finalized next year, but I don't need him to stay in the US. I actually don't even know if I will stay. I'm thinking I might go home to my family in Australia when my lease is up. My friends point out that yet again, Hubby is motivated by money and what is the benefit to me? What if I meet someone else while he's away?

I don'rt really know what advice I am looking for, but I ust feel crazy and everyday I just feel like I'm crumbling more and more emotionally and I can't help thinking... was it that bad? why did I leave? but i know he made me crazy, our sex life was in the ****ter, he was a hypocrite, he was unsupportive, when we fought all he wanted to do was win... so to him, if he out-frustrated me and out-talked me, but made no sense... then that meant he was right and won the argument because I couldn't keep up with his motor-mouth and couldn't defend myself fast enough from his slew of irrational arguments. He once berated me for five hours because I shopped and spent $60 and overdrew our checking account... five hours, no exagerration. I came home that evening at 9pm and we weren't done until just after 2am. Needless to say I never bought another thing again.. I gained so much weight last year because between my miserable job I hated so much and not being able to shop and not being able to join a gm because hubby deemed it too expensive, and our sex life dwindling... I was just miserable. What was my motivation to stay slim? One day he dared complain about my clothes and I just went from zero to hysterically screaming and crying at him because I was so unhappy with the way I looked and the fact that I couldn't shop and that I couldn't work out, honestly, I wanted to scratch his eyes out in anger. I couldn't believe he had the nerve to complain. He would take my whole paycheck and give me about $150 a week for gas, lunches and groceries... and then he had the nerve to say "well, i give you money every week! but you don't shop!!!" I asked him recently why the HECK he married a pretty woman who dressed nicely and went to the gym and had ambitions and things she wanted to do... if he was just going to hold her back from everything and turn her into a dowdy suburban frump to boot??? I am still struggling to lose the weight. He married me at 130lbs, at the end of last year I was 182lbs!!! Now I am about 155lbs. I'm trying hard, but it's so hard to get back into my old lifestyle. But I'm working on it.... So yeah... I guess it was really that bad.

Is it normal to be so messed up emotionally right now? I thought that when I left I'd be freeof him and therefore happy... but I'm not!!! I'm so needy and lonely and I miss him so much, I just miss coming home to somebody, having someone there to share everything with... I never counted on leaving and feeling so alone and vulnerable.

It's not the right reason to go back to him just because I'm afriad and lonely... but I miss him so much... but don't worry, I can't go back anyway because I spent so much money that I can't get back, and he will never forgive me for that... so I won't go back, but it's so hard because I really want to.