Originally Posted by mem11363 Frustrated - sorry to put you on the spot. If your H got in bed with you and made the effort to please you orally - and lets just say he didn't want/couldn't have intercourse with you - but he was sincerely making the effort to please you - how would you feel about that?
Quote:
Originally Posted by jja470http://www.loveshack.org/forums/imag...s/viewpost.gif Would this make you feel like it was "pity sex" as you put it recently? If so, then how would you propose to end this stalemate? You wouldn't WANT "pity sex," you said, so if he "can't get it up" because he just isn't attracted to you at the weight you are right now, what would you propose he do? I mean, if the guy is entering into the whole thing from a "pity sex" standpoint, even if he DOES begin to enjoy it later as you say he always does, would that still be okay with you as long as it ended well? Would it "feel" okay for you to begin each "love session" with him physically reluctant at the onset?
I answered that earlier, in a post on page 16 . . . sorry, here it is again:
My hubby gives GREAT, make-me-scream-call-the-police-because-it-sounds-like-a-woman-is-being-murdered oral - I LOVE IT! However, your scenario would NEVER happen - when he makes me scream, I make him C**! It gets him hot and he's gotta do me.
I always want to say when we are done . . . "Now Sugar, that wasn't so bad, was it?" It's true for us what I have read from experts . . . even if you are not in the mood . . . once you get into it, you enjoy it!
NEW
To me, if he gets all hot and bothered while giving oral {doing it because he can't perform otherwise, let say} and during the process he gets to a state where HE has to have intercourse , then it's not pity sex.
That is always how is goes with us - I have to corner him to where he really can't get out of it. Then we start and he's off and running and it's not always boring missionary stuff either! He won't go from behind anymore (which I really miss) but I still have a few ways to ride my cowboy!
You will get to a point where you are resentful when something interferes with your workout. When I've been working out and lifting weights and my body changes and my strength increases, I start to feel very powerful and sexy!
Hopeful,
I agree. Still - if I choose to do the wrong thing I cannot lay that at my wifes door. If she chooses to do the wrong thing she cannot lay that at my door.
You are trying to make the husband a collaborator in this situation. He is not. He is a bad partner - but not a causal factor.
If you make enough excuses for FO - she will not solve this problem - which is a health problem as much as an aesthetic/commitment issue. You are making it way too easy for her to make this whole thing about him.
So we can suggest how she deal with her man - like if I were her I would ask him
- if he was willing to go for a walk with me every night and
- if he was willing to throw out any foods that cause me trouble
- if he was willing to skip dessert when we eat at a restaurant - just to be decent
Still - whether he is or is not on board - she is her own captain.
I KNOW! I'm not making any excuses for her weight at all. Go back and read my posts to her. Nowhere did I excuse her weight. That's why she has to do it for herself and not him.
I'm just not going to excuse her husband's behavior either. I find that unaccepatable as well. But, I have told FO to forgive him for being that way and forgive herself for gaining the weight and move on to her healthier life.
The rest was just a side conversation about other stuff in marriage and not directly related to FO and her situation. It happens from time to time here on LS.
I am rooting for you. Sorry this is so hard. I get the dark road thing. That is tough. Two ideas for you:
- I bought this miners headlamp - similar to: black diamond icon headlamp, it works really well for night time walk/run. Comfortable and bright.
- A treadmill - the best thing about this is that you can set it up with tivo so you can watch your favorite show/shows while walking - this also weatherproofs your routine. I think this is the best answer by far if you have a place to put it.
I will simply tell you that this journey is totally worth it. And I say that from the other side of the mountain - when I fixed my weight issue - and the physical part of our marriage really returned, that was a joyous thing. And I can sit here all day long and say my wife is shallow - doesn't change the fact she is nearly perfect for me. Doesn't change the fact that I deeply love her and wanted her to desire me and she could not.
This is what I would say to him.
- Be supportive - this is hard for your wife
- Touch her, hug her and give her a nice massage at night - be loving
- Do things that are fun and active for both of you - go on hikes - be a good partner
- If she wants a treadmill - support that
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustrated_one
I have already tossed all the food that's not fit to eat. Dessert is not a problem - we never order it as I don't have much of a sweet tooth.
About the walk - where we live it is very dark by the time he gets home and our country road does not have any street lights. So, earlier this week I took myself for a walk - round trip our road is 1 mile. I will also do that tomorrow and Sunday as it is going to be warm here! Then, on Monday is my second workout with the trainer.
I think it's one of our most important roles as wifes - we need to encourage and believe in them. Far too many men are emasculated in their marital relationships. Just a recent example is that Jon & Kate Plus 8. I caught a few episodes the season or two before all the troubles and I was just in shock at what I saw and how she was treating him. Of course, you never know if what you see on a TV show is reality, it's all in the editing, but since their split Jon seems to confirm what was shown on TV.
Men are not children to be talked down to and they do not need us to mother them. We need to honor him as the head of our household and respect that role.
Yes, I agree. That's such a sad sad example, but it is definitely true.
You said you two are Christians and as such it is your duty to respect him. But God also calls on him to love you. I will pray for him that his love for you is reignited in a way you can feel. I really hope you guys can work it out.
You KNOW it'll happen honey!!! Eyes on the goal!!! And the goal is YOU feeling better, not just a means of getting sex from your H. I mean, after YOU feel better, you may look back on this whole episode and decide, "Eh, not for me," and find a divorce lawyer.
Yes, I agree. That's such a sad sad example, but it is definitely true.
You said you two are Christians and as such it is your duty to respect him. But God also calls on him to love you. I will pray for him that his love for you is reignited in a way you can feel. I really hope you guys can work it out.
I kid you not Hopeful - my mom and I were talking about this today when I was driving home from an appointment. God never tells a woman to love her husband - He says she must respect him. God tells men they should love their wives. Of course, in the original language - the word love is not an erotic love . . . and that is the loop hole for him, I suppose. He is a good man who treats me very well except for in this area.
I just got my Dr. Harley book and skipped ahead to read the chapter on physical attraction. He says it's as valid as the emotional needs like affection, conversation, financial support, etc. It doesn't feel fair, but that's life I guess.
Thank you for sharing your experience and for being a light in my darkness.
RE: getting a treadmill - literally ours just went out the door five minutes ago. My hudband had bought me a top of the line commerical SOLE one when we got married. I ended up having my foot surgeries and just could not take the treadmill anymore.
So I put it on Craig's List two days ago and poof! It's gone. The trainer that my husband set me up with says that in her opinion, the treadmill and the elliptical are the two worse machines in a gym. I don't know.
She wants me on a water rowing machine - so I guess that's what we'll be buying with the money we got from the sale of the treadmill. We'll put it down stairs along side all the rest of his gym setup. He wants me to try out his spin bike - not sure if I'm ready for that!
Quote:
Originally Posted by mem11363
I am rooting for you. Sorry this is so hard. I get the dark road thing. That is tough. Two ideas for you:
- I bought this miners headlamp - similar to: black diamond icon headlamp, it works really well for night time walk/run. Comfortable and bright.
- A treadmill - the best thing about this is that you can set it up with tivo so you can watch your favorite show/shows while walking - this also weatherproofs your routine. I think this is the best answer by far if you have a place to put it.
I will simply tell you that this journey is totally worth it. And I say that from the other side of the mountain - when I fixed my weight issue - and the physical part of our marriage really returned, that was a joyous thing. And I can sit here all day long and say my wife is shallow - doesn't change the fact she is nearly perfect for me. Doesn't change the fact that I deeply love her and wanted her to desire me and she could not.
This is what I would say to him.
- Be supportive - this is hard for your wife
- Touch her, hug her and give her a nice massage at night - be loving
- Do things that are fun and active for both of you - go on hikes - be a good partner
- If she wants a treadmill - support that
Today was weigh-in day - I lost 4.5lbs. I worked out with my husband today and at two different times during the day he thanked me for working out. We even went for a walk tonight, enjoying the 65 degrees weather. He noticed that I was walking fast - made it hard for him to smoke his cigar and take a sip of Southern Comfort from his flask {and no, I am not kidding. Our agreement is that if we go on a walk together he can smoke his cigars - cause they ain't comin' into the house. The Southern Comfort was his little bonus.}
My thanks to all of you for your support during the week to help me take these initial steps. I know I have a loooooooooooong way to go, but at least I have started and I feel like I have mentally turned a corner.
For a couple of years I have been resistant to show him that I was trying to lose weight - I would wait until he left for work to get on the treadmill. Today when working out in front of him and accepting his help, all of a sudden a light switch flipped. Showing him my effort seemed to do for him what him giving me flowers does. Might seem weird, but that's how it seemed.
Last night we had date night - movie (no pop corn, no drinks or candy) and then dinner (I immediately asked for a to go container and put half my dinner it in. No bread, no dessert.) Then today at our church ladies luncheon where the men made and served us lunch - I had no rice or bread. Hardest of all was passing up the brownie and ice cream that my husband placed in front of me. I told him I wasn't having any and he said, "You don't want any?"
Good luck on your journey, F_O. It's not an easy one - losing a bunch of weight. BTDT, got the t-shirt. I'm down almost 70 from the highest I got in my x-marriage. A lot of it was stress eating, anxiety, and depression.
I just wanted to add...have you ever heard of Paul McKenna? He has this program called "I Can Make You Thin." He wrote a book, but he also aired a mini-series on TLC that outlined the concepts from his book. I would bet you could probably either find it online, or the book is small (so inexpensive - paperback). The concepts are fantastic and I feel they are sound. It's a long journey - weight-loss - and I feel that extra tools can only help (as long as you don't get overwhelmed).
I also wanted to say that I agree with JJ's words about workouts. It's amazing what a difference it can make in my mood when I workout vs when I don't. For the longest time, there, I dreaded workouts. Then I got in this fitness kick this past summer where I was going crazy - running, swimming, biking, hiking, etc. I was doing so much that I had 3 menstrual cycles in a row that were shortened. This worried me, so I took a hiatus from all the working out and my cycle has normalized. But I noticed something there towards the end of my hiatus - I hit a very stressful time and needed SOMETHING to snap me out of it. You know what hit my mind? "I HAVE to go running. RIGHT NOW." And I did. It made me feel fantastic. My mind felt clearer, my body was at peace, I had endorphins (nature's anti-depressants and pain-killer) - the situation all of a sudden became bearable.
I just wanted to share that the biggest thing for me - the thing that REALLY kept me going on all the working out - was variety. I kid you not. I knew it was time to get off my rear and go do something. There were a couple of times where I had something already in mind, had a workout "planned." But for whatever reason, I just didn't feel like doing THAT on that particular day. So I just came up with a new activity. As long as I was moving, I cut myself slack for missing whatever was "planned." That was huge for me. But you know what? I was still burning calories - and THAT is what matters.
I wish you well on your journey. I know all too well how difficult it is. I'd still like to lose about 30 more.
I really appreciate your post and sharing ideas and resources. You must feel very proud of yourself for all that you have accomplished - congratulations!! I know you said you still have 30 to go, but can you tell me - what does it feel like 70lbs thinner?
I will Google McKenna and check him out.
I am getting ready to go on a walk with my hubby this morning as it is beautiful here. Then I'll do a breakfast from South Beach and get ready to go to church. When we get home, my hubby is going to help me do some "bag" work - he has several different ones I can use. I'll be doing kicking and working with boxing gloves, etc. He wants me to try his spinning bike as well. Then tomorrow I am going to work our with a trainer - this week stretch bands and a row machine, next week she says we'll start kettle bells.
So hopefully, like you said, I have some variety to keep me interested.
Today was weigh-in day - I lost 4.5lbs. I worked out with my husband today and at two different times during the day he thanked me for working out.
My thanks to all of you for your support during the week to help me take these initial steps. I know I have a loooooooooooong way to go, but at least I have started and I feel like I have mentally turned a corner.
For a couple of years I have been resistant to show him that I was trying to lose weight - I would wait until he left for work to get on the treadmill. Today when working out in front of him and accepting his help, all of a sudden a light switch flipped. Showing him my effort seemed to do for him what him giving me flowers does. Might seem weird, but that's how it seemed.
Good for you... I've just spent a few years(!) reading all the posts on this thread, and I have to say, I'm seriously impressed... Doing this with him 'getting it wrong' (guys can be idiots sometimes, dontcha think ) in the motivation stakes is impressive... You go girl!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustrated_one
Hardest of all was passing up the brownie and ice cream that my husband placed in front of me. I told him I wasn't having any and he said, "You don't want any?"
To which you smile, kiss him, and say "Of course I want it, idiot - now hide it quickly..."
My recent ex had unrealistic expectations of my figure when we first met (too many years being single, and turning to *cough* 'unreal' women to meet his sexual needs)... My response was to say "I just lost 30lbs before we met, so for me, this is thin - if you want to keep me this way, you will stop buying a packet of biscuits (edit: cookies, I think, in American) every day and encouraging me to eat them with you /eating them in front of me, because I can tell you now that is the way to my dress size going up again..."
He struggled with it for a while ("What, I have to make a sacrifice to get what I care about?"), but eventually figured out that he could be a part of it all...
I never missed the biscuits when I didn't see them, but I know for myself that my willpower succeeds lets say 4 times out of 5 is saying "no" to something I want... So why put something tempting in front of me 30 times a month more frequently than necessary - because then I'm going to 'fail' 6 times, and there starts the bad eating habits...
Sounds like he's ready for you to have the conversation about *how* he can use his Food Police behaviour to benefit your joint campaign to get you fitter... But he needs to understand what will help *you* - e.g. my ex got seriously bent out of shape if I ever ate crisps (sorry, 'chips' for you americans) - because he didn't like them himself, so saw them as 'evil foods'... whereas from years of reading the back of packets, I know that there's less fat in a small bag of crisps than in a few biscuits, and eating the occasional small bag doesn't trigger my sweet-tooth cravings for the next few days... I never did get that one sorted with him, but it wasn't helpful...
Edit: and in explaining all this to him, you need to program in a 'get out clause' - the usual thing in most diets is to say something like "Behave all week really well, and allow yourself one meal where you don't worry" - I had a friend who went from a size 22 to a size 14 (sorry, can't translate those to american) just (no exercise, coz of her disability) through low fat diet with the 'one meal a week whatever you like' clause - oh, she was also allowed one treat (e.g. nice coffee /chocolate bar) a week...
You will last much longer if you have the occasional agreed treat - and he needs to remember that he's 'working with you', not being your parent (a risk if he's officially given the Food Police role)
Last edited by seoa; 8th November 2009 at 11:10 AM..
Hardest of all was passing up the brownie and ice cream that my husband placed in front of me. I told him I wasn't having any and he said, "You don't want any?"
So on the one hand he tells you he doesn't want to have sex because of your weight... and then he sets a big dessert in front of you - in public, no less??!? What in the world was he thinking??
__________________
"I prefer silent vice to ostentatious virtue." -Albert Einstein
... I worked out with my husband today and at two different times during the day he thanked me for working out. We even went for a walk tonight, enjoying the 65 degrees weather.
Good luck, you should have never resisted his attempts to motivate you but you're doing something constructive now.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
