[MeErnie]

OK where shall I start?

My bf and I have been together on and off for 2 years. To make it short, it is actually our third chance I have been trying hard to rekind our relationship. It was me ending it the first two times, mainly because I was having trouble to get over my ex ex. Details are not important.

In the second month of getting back together (which is about 3 months ago) I found out that he was still talking to his rebound girls. I couldn't confirm that I was being cheated on but apparently she wasn't over him yet and that was hurtful. I confronted to him and he said he couldn't treat me wholeheartly because of what I have put him through. I told him it wasn't making any sense. It was him coming back to me afterall if he put me as an option then please let me go.

After that he apologized the next day and said he would not call those girls again. But the damage was done I started being suspucious.

Since then, he's been hot and cold. We see each other two times a week and I usually stay over his place during the weekend. We do make plans and do things together, we go lap swimming, hiking, shopping, movies and dining out, just like other couples do. Sex is awesome. It was great when we are together and he looks very excited to see me. But when we are apart, I barely hear from him. He has very busy schedule and so do I. He usually goes out on Friday night then stays out and that really worries me. He said he was going out with his best mate and stayed at his place since most of the time he was too drunk to go home.

He told me His grandpa's health is in the worst state he has been runnng for his grandpa in and out of hospitals for months. He's been very stressed out and not ready to talk sometimes. I trust him, not totally, but I hope I can trust him.

To add, I'm not girlfriend material. You may call me 'emotionally unavailable', as I don't talk much, I don't call and I don't like to talk on the phone. I don't disclose much about my feeling. I hate creating dramas and I don't like to argue or fight. What turns me into this? I don't know. I tried opening up to him but I couldn't. Even now I don't know where I stand in this relationship, I'm not going to question him before some deep thinkings and careful observations. Plus, I don't want to appear needy, that makes me unattractive.

I don't want to give up that easily. This is our third chance I have all the responsibilities to rebuild the trust and if he was actually speaking the truth (despite the rebound girls part) while I doubted him, it would be the most regretable thing I have ever done.

I have been thinking for weeks and really don't know what to do. We both have trust issues to each other and we don't communicate well enough (he doesn't talk much either). But if he lies about his grandpa's situation it will be very cruel.

He's flying to China for a conference this weekend. Hell my insecurities have been raising to a point that I can hardly get over. He's coming back on Monday night. Again it is not the right time to talk after a work trip.

What's the right timing to talk to him? How's can I communicate my feeling across? I want to be supportive as he's been having too much things going on lately but same time I want to feel comfortable in this relationship so I need to speak out.

[boundaryproblem]

Re-read your post. Count the "Me" and the "I"s.

What value are you adding to this relationship?

If he is keeping you at arms length - then you taught him well. He is treating you just the way you treated him for two years (plus you dumped him twice). So how does it feel?

Doesn't feel good does it? You can't love him, until you love yourself. Accept yourself 100%, own it, live it every day, and he will warm up.

Sounds like he still likes you. He dumped the rebound girls on command, didn't he?

[MeErnie]

Originally Posted by boundaryproblem

Re-read your post. Count the "Me" and the "I"s.

What value are you adding to this relationship?

If he is keeping you at arms length - then you taught him well. He is treating you just the way you treated him for two years (plus you dumped him twice). So how does it feel?

Doesn't feel good does it? You can't love him, until you love yourself. Accept yourself 100%, own it, live it every day, and he will warm up.

Sounds like he still likes you. He dumped the rebound girls on command, didn't he?

I'm sorry I relooked at my post and it's really a bad read.

About the add-value part, yes, it does lead me to the thinking of what I have been giving in in this relationship. This time, I can proudly say I'm more a giver than taker.

I'm not sure about the rebound girl incident, as I cannot confirm the cheating. He promised me that he wouldn't talk to them again so I trusted him and have not questioned him on this since.

However, since he's been in Beijing I have not heard from him for three whole days. Tonight I couldn't help to text him, say " I hope it is not too late, how have you been?". He said he missed me in the text. Then I asked him to call back and he went, ok I'm gonna get a password rite away. While I'm not sure about the password things he was referring to, I have been there before I know the technology in China is more advanced since the Olympic year so there's no way he can have no access to internet or phone. No calling or texting is really unacceptable. I tried to keep my patience and went, I guess you are having trouble with the password so let me call you. He said ok.

A min later I called, he answered, it was noisy on the other side of the phone and I heard a young girl voice said " time for teeth brushing". Then he hang up.

I was in shock. I didn't know how to react.

2 mins later he called back. I told him I could not talk to him as this is too unreal, with those information (the girl voice, the teeth brushing) I can graphic the whole thing in a very wrong way. I have every reason to doubt and that I cannot help it.

He went, he was in his friends home with a bunch of ppl. If he does cheat he wouldn't ask me to call him. He loves me so much so please do trust him.

We had 15 mins of overseas call, fighting over the teeth brushing crisis and he couldn't text me or msg me the past three days? Hello?

how should I handle this? He's coming back tomorrow. Should I leave him quietly or should I talk to him still?

[Miad's Princess]

I say talk to him still. See his reaction, try to do it face to face if you can, much better than over the phone/text etc.

Let us know how you get on.

P.s Stay strong! ((hugs))

[MeErnie]

Originally Posted by Miad's Princess

I say talk to him still. See his reaction, try to do it face to face if you can, much better than over the phone/text etc.

Let us know how you get on.

P.s Stay strong! ((hugs))

Thankyou.

I'm not sure when I will see him next. The conversation we had on the phone was very brief but I did speak for myself that for the past few months, I have tried my best to repair the lost and 'm not happy with his way to 'test' me.

I feel so much relieved right now.

[MeErnie]

Guys here's an update and need some advices ...

He was back on Monday night, called me immediately after landing. We again fought over the phone about the same thing. He insisted that he didn't do anything wrong. It was only a few days away and didn't know why I was so upset about it. As of the girl voices in the phone call, he said it was only a friend of his.

I told him to me a phone call or text to me was important when he was away, it was something that keep us together and that was very basic. I didn't asking for more than that, it was only a call or text to show that he cared.

I ended up seeing him that night. He did say sorry, miss me so much and love me so much blah blah blah, I just don't know how to react. I pretended everything was ok even though deep inside my heart has been seriously hurt.

He called me during the lunch hour today and that was it. I haven't heard from him again afterward.

Now I realized that in the past few weeks, we have seen each other less and less. I have given the space he wants, never demand him to talk everyday and try my best to give in more. In return, he calls less, doesn't make effort to see each other, and always short tempered whenever he has a bad day. And there's always time involving other women, even though I cannot confirm it. One after another, I feel like I'm slowly drifting away.

Should I take a break? or just call it quit the third time?

[Boundary Problem]

hmmm

doesn't sound good. Where is it going? Sort of sounds like a convenience thing. Good company, when we feel like it.

I'm not hearing effort to continuously keep it going. fits and starts. which won't work if you want the real deal.