[2sure]

"You aint much fun since I quit drinkin"...remember that song?

Addiction to substance, addiction to affairs, etc...all of those things are selfish to begin with. They leave out your spouse and family...well, to you.

Sounds like you've quit drinking but still have to work on selfish. For 22 years it was all about you and your drinking. Maybe try making it all about her now. Or better - all about the marriage.

[mark982]

buddy you owe it to yourself and her to hang in there till the fog lifts and see how things are.

[ADF]

Stories like yours are more common than a lot of people think. I think there's two things you need to keep in mind.

1) People who stop drinking suddenly often become depressed, irritable, insomniac, and have all kinds of psychological problem related to withdrawl. These problems can go on for months, sometimes even years. Without relaizing it, you could be experiencing some of these issues and attributing them to your wife.

2) You were an active drunk for most of your marriage. Your wife adapted to it however she could, and that became the basis of your relationship. Now, everything is changed. You have to find a different way of being with each other. That can also be a huge adjustment, one not every couple can make.

[Ecosse]

I'll begin by posting that I am not in recovery so my input might not be as subjective... I have however worked in an inpatient rehab and have some understanding of addiction and recovery.

My best advise is this.

Ask about your meeting if anybody has had similar circumstances. Id also take this up with a councilor who would be best suited for dealing with these issues. Im guessing that your brain chemistry is a little off still. This can manifest as various disorders such as anxiety, depression etc (ever heard of a dry drunk?). I would really encourage you to not toss in the towel as of yet. Get yourself some solid professional input and see where that takes you.

Congrats on getting sober!

[Crusoe]

Originally Posted by Muscles

Am I on the road to ruin maritally or is there a joy bigger than I ever imagined in my future?

When I quit the booze I couldn't bear to be near people who knew me well, it was almost as if I didn't know them anymore, like they were strangers and I just did not want them as a part of my life.
Eventually I took time out, told everyone what I needed time alone, packed a few bare essentials and spent 19 days on my own in a nearby forest. Both nature and absolute solitude are a great teachers and you really get to know yourself.
By the time I returned I craved to be with the those "strange" people again. So no, you are not necessarily on the road to marital ruin.

Also, I was pretty much living as a tramp by the time I decided to quit. Eight years later I owned a small business and had paid off the mortgage on my home. So yes there could well be a joy bigger than you ever imagined in your future.

You too sound like a fella who needs some time alone, to find who the sober you really is, and to learn to appreciate what he has got. It could be the best thing you ever do.

[Clep]

My now ex treated my son and I like crap when he was drinking. He left and became addicted to coke too. Since he was on coke he handled his emotions quite well...that's what coke does. Masks all emotions. We reconcilled. He left again after eight months when I found out about everything, finding the coke and all. He went to rehab a year later and came out amazing without coke or booze. He relapsed six months later and was worse than ever.

We went to a marriage/addictions specialist psycologist. That didn't help. He quit, ended up back in AA months later. He then left me saying he never loved me as I was just a sick obsession.

Our six year old son tried to commit suicide without dad in his life again for the third time. When he found out he just said staying sober was the best he could do for our son. He has not once called to see how he is, would not sign the documents for our son to go to therapy. He is gone, started a new life, left the old one with me, bills, business to run alone and dogs I can't stand.

He wonders why I won't trust him and give him another chance. Wowww. He has not a bit of empathy or compassion for anyone around him. He uses the "selfish program" crap..well he did when we used to speak.

I am a single parent now, going with my son to therapy twice a week on weeknights, beavers one other night where I am a beaver leader, all day saturdays in courses for divorce and abuse and he says he can't handle too much.

After all the support I gave him through the years he leaves and uses recovery as his licence. Selfish, selfish.

Maybe cut out some paper shoes, put them on the floor, step on them and try to get into the shoes of your wife. I mean literally do this. Think of things from her point of view. Maybe that will bring you even a little bit of empathy for the crap she had to have put up with over the years.

Maybe go out and buy the book "The seven levels of intimacy" by Matthew Kelly, read it and see where that takes you.

Sorry that I sound nasty, I am just in shock hearing this from someone else, as it sounded so ridiculous to me when my ex was saying this crap.

[always_searching]

Originally Posted by lord alfred douglas

So youre saying that for essentially 22 years you were wearing beer goggles ?

That's exactly what I was wondering...