[Ms. Joolie]

Originally Posted by USMCHokie

About a month after we had broken up, I had a brief chat with her mom...and she told me that we weren't in each other's lives anymore, so it wasn't my place anymore to care whether she's doing ok...and hearing that hurt a little bit...I know that the relationship is over and I accept that, but am I not allowed to care about the well-being of someone that I loved so much...? She made it feel like I'd be hurting her to even care...

Is it ok in the coping process to be reminded of the ex and wonder whether her life did get better after the breakup? It would kill me if her life truly would have been better had we stayed together...but I guess that's some sort of savior complex I have going...and it's not my place or time to judge that...

Good point from the mom, imo. And she gave you the rule, so to say. Don't inquire after her. It's okay to care, but don't intrude anymore.

I hear the mom's advice for me, too. I just say my ex's dad yesterday. We get along great and I wanted so much to talk about the ex. But no... I didn't want to intrude. I don't think I will, even though I know i'll be seeing/talking with the dad again.

I think if the ex's are ever present again in our lives by whatever coincidence, we should care enough to do what is best aka the right thing. However, we need to draw the line on ourselves in regards to our curiosity.

And don't even bother with the 'what if' scenario of "if I'd been in her life it might be better." What happened happened, you are not in her life right now, and everything is as is. No guilt trips, or savior complexes. lol

[lilbelle]

of course you care. I care. I can't help but care. i can't hate him. I can only hope and pray for the best for him as I have no ill feelings anymore. That is helping me heal. But I will not ask about him. I will not seek answers because that puts me at day 1 again. I can't afford to go there and invest anymore time in someone who doesn't care about me. I just try to focus on me and its tough man. I was watching tv tonight and this commercial came on and I remember the last time I saw that commercial I was laying in his arms on the couch watching it. Just broke me up. Day 5 was great until the night hit and my mind got quiet and everything came back.

[USMCHokie]

Well, when I say I care, I meant care and wonder to myself...not necessarily to ask about her or intrude into her life...after about 2 months of NC, I honestly have no temptation to contact her ever again...

But she does deserve a better hand than she was dealt...and sometimes I wish I could be there for her...even though I know she doesn't want me there anymore...

It's just that common LS advice is to drop the ex like a bad habit and it feels like I have to completely forget about her and "move on," even though she still means so much to me...not necessarily from a relationship standpoint, but just as an individual I care about very much...

[HeavenOrHell]

It's totally natural to care about an ex, it's not as if we can instantly just not care about them anymore just because they're not our partner anymore, feelings can't be switched on and off just like that.
I sometimes still think of an ex from 20 years ago who was having a tough time and would love to know, even now, that he was ok and happy in the end.
But there's only so much you can do once you become ex partners
I think it shows you truly loved them and want the best for them, and that you are a thoughtful and caring person

[cdt76]

It's natural. My ex started smoking to deal with the stress of her cheating on me. Before she was no contact, she said she was going to stop smoking on her birthday which was Sept 2nd. A co-worker had a halloween party and apparently she was still smoking and I was told acting a lot different then when she was with me. I'm assuming she is not as happy as she was. But she made her bed. When I heard this I wanted to contact her and see if she was ok but there would only be two options from that attempted contact. 1 - she wouldn't respond back or 2 - she would lie and say she is doing great. Either way, I still care about her. I want her to be as happy as she was with me but I won't do anything or say anything to try and get her back. She left me and made this bed. I care but I can't make her care. So, I go on. You should care too but don't waste too much energy on it.