Hey,
I added your brother to facebook on a false account i've created to try and see some pictures of you. Sad I know but I have no life plus I haven't heard from you in about 2 years.
On top of that, I wonder if you did anything like this, I know for a fact you were looking at my FB profile. I'm suppose to hang out with girl tomorrow, hopefully we'll end up having sex as I am in dire need.
I don't long for you like I use too. I guess its because your not around and not coming back.
An odd thing is, one of my rebounds I had post-break up is doing the same thing, she's talking to my sister, in fact they are friends and hang out, but I don't even spend 2 seconds thinking about her, I wonder if you don't even spend two seconds thinking about me.
We haven't talked in a long period of time, but I see you around often. You probably could care less that I'm in the area, although I find it amusing that you acknowledge everyone in a group except for me. Funny thing is I'm starting to realize that you're an unhealthy person. There have been 2 instances so far where people have asked me why you have so many violent mood swings over small issues. I thought it was just me who saw you doing those things, but I guess others are noticing now. Remembering that you have problems makes the healing process easier, but not any faster. Sadly, it is still hard to see you living your life or to even be in the same as room as you. That will pass in time. Although I am still angry, I wish you the best. Life is tough, so there is no need to wish any bad omens on you. Take care and good luck.
I'm resisting the urge to lurk on your FB and your new gf's FB.
I don't need to know what's on there.
Going there only hurts me. I deserve happiness not hurt.
You texted me on Halloween day b/c I didn't respond to your text a few days earlier. I replied I'm doing fine, thx. I really want to tell you to not text me anymore but that would break NC. The irony.
Whatever, you don't care about me, so you can F-off.
Your stuck with an ugly girl now, and the world is my oyster. HAHA!!!
I never thought i would see the day that we would end up this way. You with her.. a total stranger. What does she have over me??? Why her??? Did you lose all feelings for me??? How??? I know you loved me...5 years is not something you just sweep under the rug. The holidays are coming J and they are gonna f*** me up!!! Thanksgiving and 5 Christmas' with you and your family...our anniversary in December, we were supposed to set a date to get married in December...(but i guess it was all bull****) New years without you!!! Remember our first New years together. We spent the night together. I remember looking out the window and seeing all the lights. We had a good time...if only i knew then what i know now!!! I wouldve ran away sooo quickly. You have caused me tremendous pain!!! I dont think i have ever been in so much pain in my entire life!!! I dont know why??? I guess i never thought someone was capable of inflicting such deliberate pain on someone they were with for so long!! I cant believe you did it to me!! How could you??? Youre a f***** bastard for what you did to me. Its like you spit in my face or stabbed me in the back!!! I could never hurt you like that J. Where the f*** did all the love go???? WHERE J??? Its bull**** ...that you dont love me anymore!!! Dammit i gave you sooo much!!! I gave you 5 years!!! We cried and laughed together...i was your girl...and now im just a f***** stranger??? How could you be so heartless. I f***** hate you!!!! I hope you regrett this someday and when that day comes i hope i dont give a damn anymore. I hope my heart belongs to someone else by then!! Youre a f***** hypocrit J...everything you claimed to not like is what you now have. Youre f***** trash.....you like trash and you are trash!!! I was always too good for you..in every imaginable way. Stay with your iliterate little girl!! She is at your f***** level!!! I pray to God i will someday recover from this agony and see you for what you are!!! A ****IN LOSER!!!!
Last edited by angelface78; 7th November 2009 at 4:21 AM..
How have you been lately? I hope you're doing well. You better not be slacking off on course work.
I really miss you. I'm really saddened by the way things ended and the way I behaved. The last 14 months has been really hard for me. I'm sure you were aware, but I don't think you really knew how hard it was for me. You shouldn't have known anyway because I didn't want you to know how much I was struggling.
Exhaustion and depression took complete control over me when I came back to the states last August. I desperately wanted to be with you again. My thoughts, worries, and obligations took a toll on my mind and body. You are well aware of my relapse into illness last year. I can't tell you how I spent many sleepless nights thinking about you. Those were the good nights. The constant coughing and nasal drips threw me into a world of misery. Horrible thoughts flooded my mind and there were times when I nearly gave in. I hated my body; I hated how weak it was and how easy it was to succumb to illness. I wanted to end my life countless times to lift the burden from you and everyone else. I knew how difficult it was for you and my family to constantly worry about my health. But I knew ending my life wasn't the answer. It would have been harder for you if that happened, so I fought my way out of those thoughts. You gave me strength.
My performance in school was rapidly declining. I couldn't keep my focus, so I did the worse thing possible: I stopped caring. I did not put any effort into studying. I seldom spoke of my days in school and the course work because I didn't want to let you know that I was giving up. I filled the time I should have spent on studying with other things. I'm ashamed of what I did. I felt hopeless when I shouldn't have.
When the semester ended, I spent so much time sleeping because I didn't want to wake up. I wanted to rest and not have to deal with life. I was deep into depression. You were aware and you hated the way I was behaving. It was hard for me to talk to you then because I knew I was slowly deteriorating. I knew I was no longer the person you fell in love with. That's why I was quite for the longest time. I didn't know what to say. I was afraid--terrified. Instead of taking action, I was hoping things would just pass and get better. This way of thinking didn't stop until late March. Things got better and I was slowly regaining my strength, but I got used to being in my shell.
It was only when you were on vacation when I realized that I should open up again. I was so eager for you to return to England, so we could catch up on things and improve our relationship. But things happened when you were away. My mother was assaulted. I woke up to her wailing outside the house. It was horrible. She was bruised and covered in dirt. My grandfather made it worse by yelling at her. It wasn't her fault, but he yelled at her. I was furious, but I didn't know how to react. I shoved my anger to the side and did whatever I could to help with the situation. Was I wrong to be angry? It wasn't me who was assaulted, but I was filled with so much hatred and I still am.
I desperately wanted to reach out to you, but I was afraid. You were on vacation and I didn't know what to do. You asked me that day if I was ok, as if you were aware something was not right. But instead of telling you the truth, I told you that I was ok. I hated myself for saying that, but I thought it was the right thing to do. I still don't know what to do, but maybe this is a start.
I've said this so many times already, but my writing is horrible now. It's filled with so many references to myself. Every other sentence starts with I. I did this, I did that, this happened to me, my fault, et cetera. I hate the way I'm writing now, but I know this is just a consequence of writing so many papers over the years. This is my release from useless rhetoric that I've been so used to. This is the time for me to do things for myself. I'm sorry things between us ended the way the did, but thank you for giving me this opportunity to live my life.
I'm really tempted to check your facebook right now.
As time passes it gets easier, and in some ways harder. It becomes more final and sometimes I find myself wallowing in self-pity and 'why me's? and looking at others in 'happy' relationships and feeling envious because I remember once thinking our chemistry was more extreme than anyones...especially all the lacklustre couples I see around us. People used to comment on the kick we had when we were together. I can't believe thats over now and all these mediocre, vanilla couples have made it and not us...after all we've been through together; all the hurt and pain and tears and hugs and laughter - I thought that had bonded us through thick and thin. Into the fire together...out of it together.
I miss you at the moment and I don't know how I can fall in love with anyone else yet...or if I ever will. I hope so...but then you were the first everything and I feel thats cheapened by the fact that I will kiss and sleep with other people. If only I wasn't so damn idealistic.
I don't get still why you walked away from us. Do you miss me? Do you still love me? Do you regret leaving? Do you think about me? Do you want to contact me but stop yourself? Or are you happy now, moved on now, have you slept with someone or kissed someone or are dating someone? I miss my buddy, I miss my boyfriend, I miss what we COULD have been and what we once were, not what we became. You'll always be a sore subject, the ache is still there sometimes and when it hits, sometimes I think i'm not getting over you, just repressing you, because thats all we can all do right? Ignore the thoughts, focus on something else, push the memory away when it resurfaces...I wonder if somewhere i'm repressing you....I hope not.....I hope my heart can move on...sometimes wish it wasn't so damn loyal, tenacious and stubborn because I still held on a long while after you gave up. Even not being with you, my heart still recognises its own - you. I hope in time that fades...and then I hope it doesn't too...because its sad that love can die.
I hope deep down still, you realise you love me and i'm the one and come back and mean it. But I know probably...you won't feel that way, you won't prove it...or you won't come back even if you want to.
I guess I just hope...for the BEST for me. If that includes you or doesn't.
God, Fate, Me, angels, whatever....please just make me okay.
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.... I hope 
Hybrid Mode
