T/J: It's peculiar, there's another recent thread about this very thing, except it was a woman who cheated on her husband 20 years ago. You should read the advice given to HIM vs. the advice given to this OP. It seems that men are still more justified in cheating than women, even in 2009. Am I the only one who sees this? Bah! Anyhoo, I digress, and I apologize...
OP, I feel really badly about your situation. You must feel like the rug was pulled out from under you. Your world has been turned upside down and I can't imagine what the feels like. I hope I never have to. But please make one thing happen: try to go to some sort of marriage counseling, for both of you, if you intend to stick with this marriage.
Personally, I don't think I'd ever be able to trust my husband again, and I don't know if I'd like that kind of relationship, but I'm not you, and I don't know everything about your life, either.
I hope you find some peace and healing in the process. *hugs*
T/J: It's peculiar, there's another recent thread about this very thing, except it was a woman who cheated on her husband 20 years ago. You should read the advice given to HIM vs. the advice given to this OP. It seems that men are still more justified in cheating than women, even in 2009. Am I the only one who sees this? Bah! Anyhoo, I digress, and I apologize...
I read both threads, too. And I agree there is quite a difference in the responses...but I think that has to do more with the posters who are responding to each thread than the fact that it is more 'okay' for men to cheat than women.
Men and women often deal very differently with the aftermath of their WS affair and this is often apparent here in the responses by each gender. I don't think one gender is more 'forgiving' or 'acceptiing; per se, but there are generally different reactions from each.
I really think that despite your pain (which I by no means see as small or unwarranted), your H is a shining light compared to accounts on here of other men's infidelity.
Crikey, he's been carrying this burden for years and has upped and confessed. Bravo! He sounds like one of the good guys.
And yes, I agree with other posters that his faithfulness after the event proves where his heart and decency lie.
Life offers us many wonderful things. And many temptations. In my M I am aware of this, and would not be hurt by this kind of infidelity. But then I am fresh out of an affair, and don't fully trust my H anyway.
So I think your hurt (like so much emotional hurt) is about expectations having been let down. The expectations you and your H share together about fidelity.
And I'm not sure expectations are about love. Are they about ego or something?
And to be honest, it sounds from what you describe, his match yours despite the indiscretion.
I feel it would be good to fully explore the reasons you are so hurt by this, because IMHO it's not as simple as 'I was betrayed'. I am not religious, but I feel forgiveness is more about love than feeling hurt could ever be.
I think your guy is good, and that fact might help you through the hurt.
I guess I want to say to you, don't make a mountain etc., while qualifying that with an understanding of how it might be possible to feel hurt.
And whatever you feel, you are not wrong. They are your feelings.
I am sure with such a good man you will work through them. Good luck with that. I wish you well.
Forgive me - please, forgive me - but this is Bull5h1t.
There are many, many abused people who do not lean on their past for justification of their present actions. if your husband were tempted to abuse YOUR children, I might see scope for doing something, and quickly. But if you are putting his past forward as any justification for what he did - then think again.
My partner suffered a lot of abuse at the hands of his extremely violent and dominating father - but he doesn't go around hitting other people....
I disagree...many studies have found there is a correlation between having been sexually abused as a child and adult sexual promiscuity, sexual inappropriateness, sexual confusion, addiction, etc.etc. Certainly, there are those who are able to adjust and lead upright, meaningful lives and then there are those who shun sex altogether and/or unable to connect profoundly with other people. But sex sometimes becomes the coping mechanism.
If a person has not really dealt with the sexual abuse successfully--it is possible that stresses in work, or family might "lead" them to situations(in this case cheating0 that create shame, guilt and more confusion.
The same with violence...until the person learns how to appropriately deal with stressors, that person will respond the only way he knows how ( by his experience) and that's through violence. Thus the slogan...."break the chain", "break the cycle"......
So depending on which side of the aisle you sit-this sort of thing can be the reason, the excuse, the rationalization or the justification....
It's a reason, but it's no excuse.
To enact certain behaviours may have it's reasoning in previous experience, but to enact something, and then use previous experience as an excuse is inaccurate.
'I can't help it, my experience made me do it', is utter rubbish.
'I'm sexually promiscuous and it may have something to do with abuse as a youngster', is more credible.
__________________ There can be no Peace, Joy or Contentment in your heart, if the things you say are different to the things you do.
" A cross between a new age Buddhist Monk and Xena the Warrior Princess" GrayClouds.Caliguy's No Contact Guide.
Last edited by TaraMaiden; 9th November 2009 at 1:36 PM..
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Hybrid Mode
