[Steadfast]

Tom, all;

I know we miss them, but remembering hugs and kisses from someone who cheated is like fondly remembering a great meal you had in the past. Good, yes, but it's gone. The experience is over. The good news? There are new meals to be eaten, new foods to be tried and enjoyed. There are others.

Don't forget that if someone truly loves they won't cheat. That isn't to say people need to be perfect to stay married, but if it went that far it was over before you knew it was. Tom, SHE'S the one missing out. She is up, slowly traveling down. You are down, slowly traveling up. It'll even out, then...

There are new kisses and hugs to be had, somewhere down the line. From someone wonderful that loves you for you. Get better, then dig in!! =)

[Gunny376]

As I recall the initial post she was 24 and you were 23 when you first got married.

The divorce rate for men that get married under the age of 25? ~ 90%

That is to say that your marriage was doomed from the onset. There's nothing magical about that?

There's just nothing that prepares us for marriage in the year 2009. We're not taught nor trained in modern society to succeed in marriage and in relationships.

Not in school, not in church, not in college ~ anywhere.

It's pretty much here's your marriage license, certificate, "Good Luck" your own your own, go for yourself.

Then we're thrusted out here in the real world with real world issues. You get a job that's stressful, she does the same, the bills start plying up, the debts start coming in, then comes the children,

She's hating her job, your hating yours!

She's hating her boss, her career ~ she comes home to a second one.

You go to marriage counseling to learn what you should have known before you even got married in the first place?

The truth of the matter is? You should have been doing five years ago what you needed to do to save your marriage now?

Trouble is? You didn't know five years ago what that was.

Just as I didn't know thirty years ago?

Its good that your reading and educating yourself about how to be successful in a relationship and marriage ~ most never even pick up a book, reach out, nor investigate.

Especially men.

There's a difference between ignorant and stupid.

Ignorant is when you just don't know any better. You lack the knowledge, the education, the experience.

Stupid is when you know better ~ but do it anyway.

You my friend have been "awaken" ~ you've choose between the red pill and the blue pill (Matrix reference).

You've chosen to live in the 'real' world of your real reality.

You've chosen to learn, adapt, and overcome.

You've chosen to embrace your own personal reality.

You've chosen to grow from and to learn from the pain of such!

You've gone from "I can't!" to "I can!"

And you can! If but you choose to do so!

You hold the keys that will set you free!

[Tom81]

It's been awhile since I've updated things and a lot of you have left some more great feedback that I continue to read and want to thank you guys for it.

It's been almost a month of no contact with my wife, unless she makes contact with me. When she contacts me I keep it brief or I respond back briefly and to the point. Overall I've been doing better, but lately it's been a little tough (I'll get to that). Been going out and going to a few friends parties...being very social and having a lot of fun.

She has been actually emailing me instead. She even thanked me for the time and space I've been giving her lately. Don't understand, I was giving her too much space when we were married and now she's happy for the F'ing space...fantastic.

Lately it's been tough, this past week I had the swine flu and was stuck inside my house for several days. My wife called a couple days in, must have found out from one of her friends on facebook that is still friends with me (recap: wife and I aren't FB friends any more). She called to see how I was doing and said we should meet up soon. Being sick and alone in my house had me weak and thinking a lot about my wife and it really sucked. Almost broke my contact rule a couple times but luckily I texted a good friend instead.

I feel sort of weird now, as I'm still hopeful, but it's been several months since she moved out and she hasn't made any steps toward divorce. Really just don't know what she's thinking or what she's doing. I really don't know what to do when we meet up next week?? Probably just talk to her on what's been going on in my life and not be pathetic like i was a month ago when i met with her, pleading for her to come back.

I'm going to stick with my NC plan and keep on doing it...it's going to be really tough with holidays coming up. Don't know how I'm going to make it through xmas and new years. New Years eve was always our really nice night out together...that was our night People tell me that my wife can't ever know what she is losing if I keep on clinging and pleading. NC will show her what she lost.

Is there a time when I can ask her whether she would want to work on things together? maybe go out or do something? I know it's only been a month of NC, but some feedback would be great. So far you guys have been a huge help. Sorry this post is so long...but it's been awhile.

[tojaz]

Tom, you have stuck your neck out enough for her. It's time she did that for you. Your putting yourself in a vulnerable spot especially this early, if you ask. Just stick to NC, I think the fact that she continues to keep contact is a good sign really, but if anything between you is going t o happen, she has to be the one to initiate it, otherwise your risking a tremendous backslide and she has not proven her commitment to you.
TOJAZ

[Tom81]

She was the one who called me when I was sick and said we should meet up. I know Topaz...I have to be careful with things. That's why I'm throwing all the info out there...to hear what you guys think.

[floridapad]

Tom81

Please be careful how you use that "hope" we all have for getting back together. It's just not in the cards right now. NC truly is about you and getting yourself back. When I went LC in the beginning I did it 50% for us and 50% for me. It didn't heal me. It wasn't until I realized that LC/NC was 100% about me that I actually started feeling much better. I kissed the relationship goodbye kept telling myself she doesn't love me in the way I need. The mindset sometimes at this point of the relationship is to just let them go and stop hoping/imagining the past or a reconciliation. YOU have to get control of the situation back and the only way is for YOU to get yourself back and stop worrying about whats going on in her head. She cheated on you and left. Those are the actions. Calling to see how you are doing in the grand scheme of things means nothing.

Whats going on in her head is irrelevant to healing YOU. Stop thinking about what she is thinking about just because she calls to see how you are. It means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I would just ignore her, actions speak louder than words.

If she cheated and left me, I wouldnt want to talk to her unless she was serious about reconsiling and being a true wife to me, other than that she could kiss my azz. I'm sick and all she can do is call like she is my friend?

WTF we're married, and this is how she treats me. unbelievable. She treats me like crap and i should have to tolerate it???

Hell no. dont tolerate anything!

I'd just file and start dating other females, she isnt coming back!

[trippi1432]

Originally Posted by floridapad

Tom81

Please be careful how you use that "hope" we all have for getting back together. It's just not in the cards right now. NC truly is about you and getting yourself back. When I went LC in the beginning I did it 50% for us and 50% for me. It didn't heal me. It wasn't until I realized that LC/NC was 100% about me that I actually started feeling much better. I kissed the relationship goodbye kept telling myself she doesn't love me in the way I need. The mindset sometimes at this point of the relationship is to just let them go and stop hoping/imagining the past or a reconciliation. YOU have to get control of the situation back and the only way is for YOU to get yourself back and stop worrying about whats going on in her head. She cheated on you and left. Those are the actions. Calling to see how you are doing in the grand scheme of things means nothing.

Whats going on in her head is irrelevant to healing YOU. Stop thinking about what she is thinking about just because she calls to see how you are. It means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Great advice FL.

Tom, be very careful on this one....NC or LC for a month is commendable but you might want to explore your feelings more to work on you, not worry about what she's doing. My STBX finally got the boundary discussion 5 days ago and we are now at total NC. Not only has it been good for me, but I think that it is good for him too. My STBX has a lot to work on, but I've closed the chapter on that part of my life.

When you are sick, you are vulnerable to those emotions. I know that exactly...my STBX left 9 days after I had a major surgery, then had the audacity to text me everyday asking how I was doing....like he really even cared at all....net/net - setting boundaries and doing the NC/LC is to work on you....

[tojaz]

Originally Posted by Tom81

She was the one who called me when I was sick and said we should meet up. I know Topaz...I have to be careful with things. That's why I'm throwing all the info out there...to hear what you guys think.

Showing concern or pity while your ill is a lot different then talking reconciliation. If she dosen't say it in plain english you could be walking into hell spurred on by hopes that were never there. Either way, to come back together your going to take the risk, but make it a calculated risk and know for sure what her intentions are before jumping off the cliff "hoping" thats a parachute on your back, make sure! Check out MayIs thread "The finality of Divorce"
TOJAZ