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Originally Posted by learnfrommymistakes
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Thanks for your deep honesty. It seems everyone is in the know with your relationship and that everyone is at some level of acceptance. I always says it is up to the people involved to decide what works...so I sure won't bash or judge, not at all. His W knows about you and chooses to stay, that is on her, and her responsibility....she obiously is getting something out of it she wants/needs.
I imagine breaking from this man, for you, would be deeply difficult as it seems you are partners, in every sense (minus the wife thing of course...) All I can say is that I send support and hugs and hope that no one ends up too hurt (impossible hah) and that you can find true happiness and safety ....and be happy and whole..with whomever you choose to be with. You are a strong person, I can tell from your posts.
So, may I ask, why doesn;t he leave her? It seems he is very devoted to you, in more ways than I can count..so what keeps him with her?
thanks again, I know I ask a lot of deep questions, I studied psychology, can you tell..lol? I am not nosy, just fascinated by human behavior..and also, at times, unhappy with my own...often...
lfmm
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He still has a child at home. I know you hear a lot of men use that as an excuse, and that may turn out to be what it is in my case as well, an excuse, but he is truly a man who feels deep responsibility and he plans on staying until his youngest is grown. After that? Only time will tell. But I do know that he loves me, despite what many here will tell me.
He has not been able to maintain NC with me, and every time I talk about being done.. well, let me just say that he does not want to lose me. Could it be that he is just in it for sex as so many say? I suppose it is not out of the realm of possibility, but since I have stopped PA and he is still every bit as involved as ever he was, and he waited well over a year before we ever even held hands, I think it is much more than that.
His father passed away when he was very young, and I think that is part of why he is still in his marriage. He knows what it was like to grow up without his father. He grew up in a very large family, and I think he missed out on feelings of parental love, not because he wasn't loved, but simply because he was one of so many, and had only one parent whose time had to be split. Granted, he could still be a dad without living at home, but I think he fears that his child will be alienated from him. So fear and a deep sense of responsibility are what keep him there, in my opinion.
I think she knows that is what keeps him there as well. Like I said, whenever I am too real for her to ignore, she buys something. BIG somethings. During our affair, she has bought a new house (he came back from an out of state work trip to be told she had placed a bid on a house and put the paid for house on the market, he just had some papers to sign.), and two cars. In my opinion she knows that his sense of responsibility extends to continuing to provide those things for her indefinately, because as he says, she has been a good mother to his children and a good wife (never done anything specifically wrong) so by buying more things, giving him added responsibility (in his eyes it is harder to leave her with a house that is not paid off), she keeps him there longer. Do you see what I mean?
As to what happened to lead him to stray, it is nothing that she has done wrong, they just grew apart. He still loves her. But the way I understand it, they are just in very different places in thier lives. They married very young, and he spent most of their marriage in the military. She wanted stability and chose not to move around the world with him, and often couldn't when he was overseas. She learned to live her own life without him. He wants to be needed. Her life goes on without him. Her things come first, whether he is there or not.
So he spent many years in multiple affairs, he was looking for ego boosting, a feeling of being wanted, needed, but never was fulfilled with them. None of them were long term. Just flings to fill the spaces. He never planned on having any of this with me. We were just friends. *shrug* I don't know why things happen the way they do. But that is what happened. And somewhere along the way in our friendship, we fell in love. We carried on a long term EA, and eventually it evolved into a PA.
Our relationship works because he is what I need. A man who acts like a man. He IS responsible. That is very attractive to me. He works hard, and truly cares about doing the best job he can do. He is kind. He is warm. He is loving. He is tender. He is compassionate. He is passionate. He is funny. He is very intelligent. He is strong emotionally and physically. He is all the things that I admire in a man.
I LIKE taking care of him. And he lets me.
I cook for him. I clean for him. (My home, but he knows I make special effort to keep things the way he likes them.) I cater to him. I am exceedingly "feminine" for him. I am generally sexually submissive with him. (We are not into S & M, I just let him lead sexually.)
In return he treats me like a princess.
He does all the "man chores". He cooks special meals for me. He helps with housework (even the dishes) simply because he knows I would never ask him to, and he does it because he "wants to be near me". He bathes me. He serves me. It is very give and take, with both of us allowing the other to fully meet our needs and desires.
We both feel needed.
We both feel wanted.
It works. And we share a very domestic relationship. Very "old married couple" type of thing. Comfortable just living everyday life together. The sex is very passionate when we make love, but in the scheme of things is far down on the list of priorities. We care much more about talking to each other, and making love with our minds, if that makes sense...
I don't know where it will all go. Perhaps someday he will choose me. Perhaps someday he will leave me and try again to make things at home better (something I have often suggested to him.) Someday maybe I will say enough, and just up and move and start over, no forwarding address, no forwarded phone number. *shrug* Like I said, only time will tell...
Hybrid Mode
