Hi, thanks so much for reading and replying!
I wouldn't say he was in and out A LOT as such, left me twice in 18 years and then left me for good (I assume) in July, but we were solid and both very much in love, he said he was in love with me even when he left me those 2 times 8 or 9 years ago but at the time he thought he wasn't, we were in a rut at the time (not caused by me as it was before I started to get really busy).
I just feel stunned still as even this year before he said there were problems he was saying he couldn't believe he'd ever left me and that we'd never split up again and that he couldn't live without me, so I felt very secure. I never doubted his love for me, but he must have doubted my love for him for at least the last 2 years, although were still very close and loving. We were an exceptionally close and loving couple, I always thought of us as special, he did too.
It's just weird cos now he's gone we are still close, so it's like our relationship always was but without any touching now! He said I'll always be the person he can be himself with, and in the unlikely event of him meeting someone else (his words) if they couldn't cope with our friendship then he wouldn't be with them for long. He said yesterday it will take him a long time before he even knows if he wants to be with someone new.
Yes the doubts about my love for him is what led him to leave, it took him a long time to come to that decision, and a year of insomnia.
He became resentful of the animals as it seemed like I loved them more than him
I think his childhood does come into and he said he does want to feel loved and needed, it's very important to him, it is to me too.
And now I just want to have the chance to show him again what he means to me and give him all the love I used to give him, but it's too late now
We both have low self esteem, all our lives, but I did used to feel I could be a good partner, we were both very loving towards each other and were happy for a very long time, and we helped each other feel good about ourselves, I mean ALL good relationships do that don't they otherwise why would we bother with relationships! Although obviously you can't look to your partner for all your self esteem. I had no affection in my childhood, so I think that is why I have low self esteem, I have tried numerous times to get help on the NHS but to no avail, although I am seeing them again next week so maybe I will get help this time.
Now he's left I am down on myself as I can't help thinking well if he's left me after loving me for so long then maybe I'm not loveable after all
I feel very worthless, but it is me doing that to myself and not him, he has been very sensitive and loving about all this.
I can totally see what the problems were and I've known that since April and have tried to rectify them before he left but he said he was worried it was too late, and since he left I haven't mentioned wanting to try again, it would be like I havent taken his leaving seriously and we would feel pressured again like we did from April when I was trying to make it work.
We both had to get out of the situation, and yes I have seen things clearly and know what we needed to do. I want to retry afresh, it's like we're on level ground now cos I've been thru hell since july and I would be scared about trying again as I feel hurt now. Anyway, he's not giving us the option to retry and rebuild anyway.
I feel if I say can we try again it will push him away
Thanks again
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Joolie
Wow, I'm so embarrassed that I read all this at work! Well, it's a light work load today. hehe. That's the trouble with having a computer based job.... I can't do computer work for hours straight! Ok enough of that....
Hi, HoH -
What I understand from your situation is that your ex-partner was in and out a lot from what you had. Was he in love with you or not? Could you take him seriously or not? It just sounds like you had doubts about his love for you, and he had doubts about your love for him.... THAT sounds like the grounds of all the insecurity that led to the break up.
Perhaps his abusive childhood requires that extra love, that solid proof, proof he felt he wasn't getting because of all the animal care you were giving instead. It does sound that way, it sounds as if he needs a lot of attention, or care, or proof. He needs to KNOW, to really feel, that he isn't being abused again.
You mention that you feel that you are not worth being with anymore. How long does THAT thought go back? And why? What's behind that thought is what you should consider.
So, yes, it seems you were giving too much time to the animals. And, yes, he sounds wishy-washy in his love for you, in his commitment to YOU. And there seems to be the problems. But you knew that.
The thing is that now you see your situation or the problems more clearly, now that you are completely out of that circumstance. I hope you do see it all in a new light, I hope you see what happened more clearly, see what went wrong. It could me these problems mentioned, it could be others, it could be all of them.... But what you see now is a clearer picture, I hope.
And with this new perspective on things, it will be easier to understand, easier to find solutions, easier to correct or to find what will bring happiness back into (or into) your life. That's the important thing, to begin to do what needs to get done. Discuss, resolve, repair, correct, move on... forgive, forget.... Whatever is the solution for YOU.
Please forgive any reckless thoughts, but I did want to share what I understood from your post. |
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Joolie
Wow, I'm so embarrassed that I read all this at work! Well, it's a light work load today. hehe. That's the trouble with having a computer based job.... I can't do computer work for hours straight! Ok enough of that....
Hi, HoH -
What I understand from your situation is that your ex-partner was in and out a lot from what you had. Was he in love with you or not? Could you take him seriously or not? It just sounds like you had doubts about his love for you, and he had doubts about your love for him.... THAT sounds like the grounds of all the insecurity that led to the break up.
Perhaps his abusive childhood requires that extra love, that solid proof, proof he felt he wasn't getting because of all the animal care you were giving instead. It does sound that way, it sounds as if he needs a lot of attention, or care, or proof. He needs to KNOW, to really feel, that he isn't being abused again.
You mention that you feel that you are not worth being with anymore. How long does THAT thought go back? And why? What's behind that thought is what you should consider.
So, yes, it seems you were giving too much time to the animals. And, yes, he sounds wishy-washy in his love for you, in his commitment to YOU. And there seems to be the problems. But you knew that.
The thing is that now you see your situation or the problems more clearly, now that you are completely out of that circumstance. I hope you do see it all in a new light, I hope you see what happened more clearly, see what went wrong. It could me these problems mentioned, it could be others, it could be all of them.... But what you see now is a clearer picture, I hope.
And with this new perspective on things, it will be easier to understand, easier to find solutions, easier to correct or to find what will bring happiness back into (or into) your life. That's the important thing, to begin to do what needs to get done. Discuss, resolve, repair, correct, move on... forgive, forget.... Whatever is the solution for YOU.
Please forgive any reckless thoughts, but I did want to share what I understood from your post. |
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