Well you've made some mistakes and you've also made some good moves here. Your situation is a sad one, and I feel for you because it seems you were doing the right thing by this girl in every aspect. There's nothing you did (or didn't do) that drove her away, so don't blame yourself or think you could've done more. What happened here is obvious: her ex is trying to come back into the picture.
In her mind, she probably thinks getting back with him is the best thing for her. She'll convince herself she's doing it for her daughter, too. But the problem here is that her ex is being wishy-washy about what he wants... I'm 99% sure of it. This is causing her to see-saw back and forth between wanting to be with you (at the times he's ditching her or not returning her phone calls) and being with him (during the times he's showing her attention).
In short, you've got to move on. Telling her that was your best move. Writing her letters and calling her on her birthday should be out the window at this point. Know what? She KNOWS you remember her birthday. When you don't call, she'll also know why. By staying strong you're forcing her to make a choice: him or you. She can't have both, and she can't walk the line - keeping you in limbo while her own ex figures out whether he wants her or not.
I'm rooting for her to wise up and ditch this loser, and realize that she already has a really good guy in her life already. But you can't count on that. If it happens, it happens. But if you move on in the meantime? It's her loss.
I know what you mean...although im allowing myself over two weeks to work out whether the happy birthday is a good thing or not lol. I like to be sure!! I dont really want to ignore it, i dont know why i dont owe him anything but if he knows i havnt forgotten and im polite and nice about it then he knows im not bitter...i want to be the bigger person! However in your situation...shes pulling you back and forth quite a lot and luckily im not going through the same. You just do what feels best...we can all tell you on here to not do it but only you can stop yourself pressing send. I drunk called my ex begging him back and i literally felt rubbish for doing that! That helped me stop even though thousands of poeple...on here and friends have told me not to...only when i did that did i know i wouldnt again because i wouldnt put myself in a situation where i feel crap or where he thought i was just waiting around for him. Do what feels best. If its wrong and you regret it your learn...just keep your guard near you, dont get played and hurt again!
Your situation sounds remarkably close to my own, in age, age difference, child's age and length of relationship.
I'm new to this forum and I'm impressed with the advice and kindness shown by the various posters, and not too much BS.
I don't know what advice to offer, except be cautious and remember, you have a life too, so you must protect yourself and your well being. I think we are alike in that we both have strong feelings for our exes, and wish only the best for them. However, I believe that no matter how difficult and awful it feels, it is essential to set some boundaries for your self and your ex. If that means minimizing contact- painful thought that may be- it will probably be worth it in the longer term.
I wish I had some meaningful insights to share with you, but I think everyone's situation is different, so I think the best general advice is to set some boundaries, but continue to be kind, patient and respectful of your ex-partner, and maybe she will see things differently in time. If not, at least you have behaved in a way that has not damaged your relationship further and you know you have behaved as a strong, gracious man.
The only other advice I would dare to offer, is seek out the support and advice of a professional counsellor. I have found a great one and she has helped me understand my situation better than I ever could have on my own.
Hope it all goes well, she's lucky you care so much.
Thank you all for your insightful posts. They really helped me weigh all options and consider all outcomes. I've decided to let this one go. After NC for a month and a lot of self reflection I know that I do not want to be involved with someone in her situation. First of all I was a rebound. Second of all her childs father will always be in the picture. He loves his daughter and will always be around for my ex to wonder and think of him. I am nobodys 2nd option and I'm not disposable. In order for me to even consider any sort of reconcilation she must think of me as the best thing since slice cheese and then prove this to me. I'm not gonna put out any feelers to see where she is in life and in her mind. She knows I care. She knows I would be a great partner. We shared a path for a while and I know that I helped her along the way. I hope she uses what we had and what I provided her as well as what she provided me to help her through her life. She chose a different path. I have to continue on mine and not look back for no one other than myself. A part of me really wants to wish her a happy birthday because I genuinely want her have a happy, worry free birthday.
Your decision to let her go is the best one you can make right now, and I hope you can stick to it.
Unfortunately for this girl, she's probably in for a world of hurt. Her ex doesn't want her back, he just likes to KNOW he can get her back. He's using her as an ego boost and maybe even to satisfy his more physical urges (sorry) when the mood strikes him, and that's about it.
He's going to keep playing cat and mouse with her while continuing to do his own thing, until one day when he maybe gets tired of it and finally settles down with someone else. The chances of this girl ever getting back with her ex-husband in some kind of stable relationship are slim to none.
Even worse, it's going to take her a long while to realize this. Once she finally does, she'll go out and try to date other people, and she'll be hard-pressed to find somebody as good as you. You were caring, you were understanding, you were supportive, and you loved both her AND her daughter. Guys like that are one in a thousand. Unfortunately for her, your ex will realize this way too late - probably when you're already involved in a relationship with someone else.
That's when you'll get the "oh man, I was sooooo wrong to let you go!" phone call. It's gonna be tough for her.
Her birthday came and went...I did end up wishig her a happy b-day. The message was, "Happy Birthday Chica. Thinkin about you and Peyton."
I must say, there is a little regret. I know I don't want to be with her. I know it would never work but that little message up there has really caused me to think about the what ifs. By me breaking my silence and not staying strong a part of me began to latch on again.
No contact means no contact. For anyone out there looking for reasons to contact your ex I truly recomend you don't. The day before I felt strong and confident in where I was. I felt the same way yesterday. Until of course I sent a tiny message. Now I feel weaker and disappointed in myself. STAY STRONG!!!
Her birthday came and went...I did end up wishig her a happy b-day. The message was, "Happy Birthday Chica. Thinkin about you and Peyton."
I must say, there is a little regret. I know I don't want to be with her. I know it would never work but that little message up there has really caused me to think about the what ifs. By me breaking my silence and not staying strong a part of me began to latch on again.
No contact means no contact. For anyone out there looking for reasons to contact your ex I truly recomend you don't. The day before I felt strong and confident in where I was. I felt the same way yesterday. Until of course I sent a tiny message. Now I feel weaker and disappointed in myself. STAY STRONG!!!
You are learning the hard way. Did she respond to your message? If so, was it the response you had hoped for? I suspect not. Now you have validated her need to be remembered and set yourself back to the beginning of NC. You'll be ok just learn from this mistake. I remember feeling the urge to wish mine a happy b-day and not doing it. Once the day had passed I felt so empowered.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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