[Ronni_W]

Originally Posted by zoe1983

I think his problem is that he had a rough childhood ... He was able to get himself out of the mess but he left behind a lot of friends that either died or ended up in jail. He feels really really guilty about it.

I get that zoe, but what he's doing is basically blaming his rough childhood for the fact that, AS AN ADULT, HE cannot set appropriate emotional boundaries with his friends, and doesn't have the self-discipline to give up potentially harmful habits -- which is what this whole addiction to "helping others" has become. Doesn't matter if it's a guy or girl, the habit can have detrimental effect by your guy always being less concerned about you / more concerned about those in perceived "real need".

I would ask him if it is it making sense TO HIM, to allow his misplaced guilt and leftover crap from his rough childhood to threaten his love relationship with his future wife???
It might feel as if you'd be trying to "control" him/his behaviour...but the problem is that he clearly is on major self-destruct and needs some GUIDANCE before he sabotages his relationship with his future wife!!!

He just does not appear to be seeing the 'bigger picture'. I don't think it's that he wants to be with her...the "addiction" is to helping not to any specific individual(s). I would look at it like this: Would you feel okay about asking him to give up alcohol or crack if that was his addiction?

But I do agree with you -- he needs to take 100% responsibility for his own decisions, behaviours...and addictions! I would talk in general terms about all of this, and ask him to see an individual therapist so that he can overcome his guilt and "saviour complex" and primary relationship-sabotaging ways.

he keeps saying its different because we live together and aren't always on a date.

You need to help him set some boundaries, zoe. TELL HIM what you want, and then you two can negotiate. Do NOT worry about sounding controlling or ridiculous or any such thing. STOP "giving him outs" -- what is up with that??? Next time he offers to completely stop talking with her, just say, "Yeah, Honey...unfortunately that's the only option you've left for yourself, isn't it? Just let her know that you're sabotaging your love relationship but once you've got a grip on it then you'll be able to establish a new, healthier relationship with her."

He keeps saying he loves me and wants to be with me but I am just scared about the whole thing.

I would trust him about that -- accept what he says instead of developing distrust where it just isn't necessary. Like I said above, it really doesn't sound as if it's about her but just him feeding his own (unhealthy, dysfunctional) need to help and allaying his own guilt when he does not help.