[losttrust]

I am a divorced man, 40s, successful professionally speaking and I have been dating my girlfriend for the past three years. I have never loved anyone the way I love this woman, and until I met her i did not think I could love so intensely anyone. When we met, I truly felt like I met my soul mate, the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, no doubts, no hesitations.

Until recently, we both have dated while living in different cities, although we have managed to see each other very frequently and take at least 4-5 trips together a year. In average we see each other at least 10 days a month. At the time we met we both were going through our divorces, although mine was farther along than hers and she had a harder time with her divorce than mine. Also recently, we finally decided to move together to the same city, both of leaving our jobs and taking time off to nurture our relationship.

My dilemma is this: Throughout our relationship she has had three "friendships" (each one at different times) with other men that she kept hidden from me and when I would ask she would deny any involvement, saying they were just friends. She claimed until recently that these relationships were friendships and only a couple of times involved some kissing when she had gotten very drunk, perhaps to imply that she lost control. Throughout this time she lied to me about seeing these men and oftentimes when she saw them she would tell me she was actually doing something else. Whenever I confronted her she denied anything beyond friendship but in the end she would admit that once or twice there was some kissing and that's all. Each time this confrontation happened, I would try to leave and she would get very upset, sad, very remorseful and promise me it would never happen again. unfortunately it happened, two times after the first one. Since I do love her immensely I always forgave her. She explained to me that she was going through a very difficult divorce and that the long distance relationship didn't help matters. During this time I have only been with her and the thought of being with another woman has never entered my mind.

Until recently she always maintained that there was never any sexual relationships with these men. Lately I have been having a lot of doubts about her honesty regarding this issue with me and I kept putting pressure on her to tell me the truth. About three weeks ago, she relented and told me that one night with one of these friends she may have crossed the line, but she doesn't remember exactly. This was very devastating for me to hear since I always believed and forgave her. She claims she was really sorry it happened but that she did not have the courage to tell me for fear of losing me. Now, I have a lot of questions in my mind and cannot be certain that she is telling me the truth anymore about this or other matters. She did quit her job and move to a different city to be together, to show me her commitment but I worry that she will not be honest with me again. I worry that when she is out she may be with someone else and then would lie to me like she did in the past. I worry how could she lie to me so many times about specific questions and go on like there was nothing wrong with me. I am very confused on what to do because I love her and see many good things in her. I feel she is really sorry about this and she has taken steps to show commitment towards this relationship. My problem is trust, I cannot be sure she is telling me truth now. In the past I never checked her stories to verify if they were true, but on this last issue, I did, and there are some things that do not match what I was able to find out. I do not want to be in a relationship where there is no trust but I try to understand the context of what happened since going through a divorce was difficult and we were apart for the majority of the time. My love for her has clouded my judgment and I am not sure what I should do anymore. Part of me feels very guilty that she quit her job and move to another city so that we could be together, but part of me also feels that her lack of honesty in the past has put an insurmountable obstacle between us. I would appreciate perspective from anyone out there.